children – Page 5

Sweet birthday party for kids

Jordana Saks gets great joy from baking. (photo from Saks of Sweets)

“I love baking, because it’s a fun activity that allows me to be creative. More importantly, there is nothing more fulfilling than the wide-eyed smiles I see on other faces when they enjoy something that I have baked.”

Jordana Saks’ love of baking inspired her to create Saks of Sweets, which plans and leads kids’ birthday parties. “What better way to celebrate a birthday than with friends while baking, decorating and eventually eating the delicious cookies?” she asks on the business’s website.

Born and raised in Niagara Falls, Ont., Saks studied cognitive science at McGill University in Montreal, before heading to San Francisco for a year. She arrived in Vancouver about 18 months ago, and has been in love with the city ever since.

Recalling her early sweet baking impressions, Saks said, “I started baking as young as 6 years old. My mom and aunt inspired me to bake, and taught me the tricks of the trade. When the eggs in my aunt’s fridge were past the expiry date, she used to call me over to practise the art of cracking an egg.

“Every year at Chanukah, for the family party, my aunt and I would make cookies and spend hours decorating them with unique designs. In addition to this tradition, we baked at least one new recipe each month. Still, to this day, when I visit home, we get together for a baking day – trying new recipes and recreating past ones.”

When Saks was studying at McGill, she used baking as a stress reliever, leaving her and her roommate with an abundance of baked goods.

“To prevent ourselves from eating an entire cake or a couple dozen cookies, I started an Instagram account called Saks of Sweets, where I could share when and what I was baking,” said Saks. “My friends would comment on what they wanted to try. I would find out where they were studying on campus and would deliver the goods, until nothing was left of that batch.”

When she moved to Vancouver, Saks recalls listening to a podcast called Side Hustle School, with Chris Guillebeau. “The entrepreneurial wheels in my brain were turning,” she said. “I was thinking about my passions and how I could channel those into a business. And, combined with my love for baking is my love for working with children. I’ve had many experiences working with kids and have enjoyed every one of them. After sitting down for an hour at a coffee shop and thinking about how to combine these two passions, the idea for Saks of Sweets quickly emerged.”

Saks of Sweets provides in-house baking birthday parties. Saks’ clients have loved the parties because, as parents, they do not need to stress or worry about anything except for inviting the children. The rest of the planning is in the hands of Saks of Sweets and Saks leads every party, along with one helper.

“We set up the individual baking stations, and the children will learn to roll out the Saks of Sweets shortbread cookie dough,” said Saks. “They will then choose from a wide variety of cookie cutters to create their cookies.

“While the cookies are in the oven, the children will decorate and personalize their baking aprons. Lastly, they will have a wide range of icing colours and sprinkles to decorate their unique creations. As an extra bonus, the take-home box for the cookies and the personalized aprons double as a loot bag.”

Prospective clients only need to provide a table for the rolling and decorating, and a working oven for the baking. Some parents like to provide a meal for the children, like ordering in pizza.

photo - Saks of Sweets brings the party to your children — Saks of Sweets brings the party to your children. *(photo from Saks of Sweets)*

For those not wanting to have the party in their own home, Saks of Sweets partners with the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver, so that people can rent the centre’s party room for the birthday celebration.

“Right now, I am doing cookie cutting and decorating, but I’d like to move more into baking other delicious things, such as cakes, cupcakes, pies and more,” said Saks. “This expansion will happen soon, when the time is right.

“When I started this business, my hope was to channel my passions into throwing a creative birthday party that makes both the children and parents happy. I wasn’t overly concerned about the business scalability or strategy, because I didn’t want to get bogged down in the details or dissuade myself from taking that first step.

“From that perspective, my hopes have been met. Each party has been extremely well received by the parents, and the children are always smiling. My only new hope is that I can throw these more often.”

Saks of Sweets is Vancouver’s only in-house baking birthday party. The business concept is all about convenience. It is meant to be stress-free for parents, so they can also enjoy their child’s party.

Saks of Sweets can accommodate most dietary restrictions or allergies and works with clients to tailor the party to any needs or wishes. “For example, in the past, I’ve had to ensure all ingredients are kosher … and I can do parties for families that are kosher,” said Saks. “Furthermore, the ingredients and the cookies are all nut-free. However, they may contain traces of nuts, due to baking utensils that may have touched nuts in the past.”

The cost for a Saks of Sweets party for 10 to 12 children is $300, and each additional child after 12 is $22. For more information, visit saksofsweets.ca.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

The pot talk we need

Last week, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that marijuana would become legal in Canada on Oct. 17. He had intended that it should be legal this Sunday – Canada Day. But the Senate, rousing itself from obsolescence just long enough to throw a wrench in the plans, delayed passage of the pot legalization bill until this month, making implementation by Canada Day impossible.

This may not seem like a particularly relevant topic for a Jewish newspaper editorial, but substance use is just as relevant in our community as it is in any. A few years ago, a panel discussion took place at Schara Tzedeck Synagogue on the topic. Prof. Raphael Mechoulam, a chemist and expert on marijuana’s medicinal uses visiting from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, and Dr. Kathryn Selby, a University of British Columbia clinical professor in pediatric developmental neurosciences, took opposing sides.

Mechoulam said that cannabidiol (CBD), a component in marijuana, may have medical uses “in almost all diseases affecting humans.” However, little scientific research has been done.

Cannabinoid receptors are abundant in several regions of the brain, including those where movement control, learning and memory, stress, cognitive function and links between cerebral hemispheres occur. CBD can also impact appetite, blood pressure, cerebral blood flow, the immune system and inflammation. It can, in some cases, reduce or eliminate seizures and cancerous tumours.

But Selby raised an issue that has gone almost entirely ignored throughout Canada’s national discussion about marijuana legalization.

Marijuana can have deeply deleterious effects on the brains of adolescents and young adults, altering the brain’s structure and function in lifelong ways. The development of the human brain continues into the 20s, Selby said, and the prefrontal cortex, where judgment and executive functions occur, is the last to develop – thus the most likely to be affected by intensive marijuana use.

Longer-term impacts of marijuana use by adolescents have been shown to correlate with schizophrenia later in life and a 50% to 200% increase in psychoses among heavy users. Daily marijuana use during high school has been correlated with a 600% increase in depression and anxiety in later life.

Selby recommended that marijuana use, if undertaken at all, should be “as late and as little as possible.”

During the national discussion around this issue, much concern was expressed about the ability of law enforcement officials to identify and measure marijuana impairment among drivers. Almost no discussion was devoted to the effects of marijuana on developing brains.

Part of the reason for delaying legalization until October was to allow provincial and municipal governments to prepare for the related distribution, legal and other public policy issues legalization raises. While criminal law is a federal issue – marijuana legalization is on Ottawa’s plate – it is the provinces that determine where, how and to what consumers the “product” may be marketed. In Alberta and Quebec, the age will be 18; in the other provinces, 19. (Most provinces have made the decision to create equal ages of majority for alcohol and marijuana purchase.)

Alcohol has its own harmful impacts on the bodies of young (and older) people, but marijuana may have particular harms on the development of adolescent and young adult brains.

Once the brain is fully developed, by the mid-20s, the dangers of permanent damage by marijuana use are significantly reduced. This scientific evidence – not the fairly random legal decision to permit consumption at age 18 or 19 – should perhaps have received more attention than it has. Given that it did not, it now falls to parents, grandparents, trusted adults and educators to share with young people the potential harm heavy marijuana use has for adolescents and young adults.

It is time Canada moved away from prohibition and towards a compassionate model that reduces and minimizes the harm that stems from fear and a lack of evidence-based policies. Fear-mongering is a waste of time – and marijuana’s positive impacts can’t be denied.

However, for those of us with young people in our lives, a good approach is to model the moderate use of all substances, to leave open lines of nonjudgmental communication (however hard that is) and to demonstrate for one another how to make wise and healthy choices. Sharing information in a rational way and asking young people to avoid heavy use or to delay if possible is the least we can do. It is our hope, too, that pot companies will temper their impulses to capitalize on every opportunity and avoid marketing edibles made to appeal to children and teens so that we’re not fighting an uphill battle. Healthy communities with resilient kids are a group effort.

Negev Dinner helps Israeli children

Left to right: Ilan Pilo, Michelle Pollock, Dr. Neil Pollock, Wendy Eidinger Spatzner and David Goldman. (photo by Robert Albanese)

Vancouver supporters of the Jewish National Fund (JNF) gathered in their finery at the Four Seasons Hotel Vancouver on June 3 to celebrate Israel’s 70th birthday and pay tribute to philanthropists Neil and Michelle Pollock.

Michelle Pollock is a former lawyer, the immediate past president of the board of the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver, and has co-chaired the Jewish Federation of Greater Vancouver annual campaign’s women’s division for six years, as well as supporting Jewish education, among many other causes. Dr. Neil Pollock is chief surgeon and medical director of Pollock Clinics. He has undertaken teaching missions to Rwanda, Congo and Haiti, as well as being involved in philanthropy at home and abroad.

photo - Bernice Carmeli, dinner co-chair, with Ilan Pilo, David Goldman and Ilene-Jo Bellas — Bernice Carmeli, dinner co-chair, with Ilan Pilo, David Goldman and Ilene-Jo Bellas. *(photo by Robert Albanese)*

JNF Pacific Region president David Goldman welcomed the crowd – who had to pass a few dozen protesters on their way into the hotel – and introduced the evening’s emcee, Michael Nemirow, a friend of the Pollocks, who is also involved in various community organizations and activities. “I’ve done the math, and we have around 11 hours of speeches and entertainment for you this evening, but we’ll try to compress it into three,” Nemirow said, eliciting laughter from the crowd.

After Maurice Moses led the audience in O Canada and Hatikvah, B.C. Lt.-Gov. Janet Austin took the stage. She praised JNF for its work in the “restoration and preservation of the Jewish homeland,” which covers everything from ecological to social to security initiatives. Austin also commented about the Pollocks, highlighting Neil Pollock’s work in Rwanda to prevent the spread of HIV.

Galit Baram, consul general of Israel for Toronto and Western Canada, focused her remarks on the 70th anniversary of Israel, “the only democracy in our region, a bastion of democracy.” She described its strengths in the areas of human rights, medicine, multiculturalism and technological innovation. She said Israel is led by people “both on the right and on the left who love their country with all their hearts” in the face of multiple existential threats. “We rely on our friends who share common values, and Canada, our ally, is among them,” she said.

photo - Honourary chairs Jodi and Alex Cristall — Honourary chairs Jodi and Alex Cristall. *(photo by Robert Albanese)*

“The success of Israel did not happen in a vacuum,” said Baram, citing JNF as a key organization in supporting the state, one in whose name every Israeli has a tree planted. She also spoke of JNF’s contributions in a multitude of activities, including supporting soldiers with post-traumatic stress disorder and her “personal favourite,” the building of a protected playground in Sderot in an area that has suffered shelling from Hamas and other militant groups. Baram thanked Canadians for the warm welcome and open arms with which Israeli diplomats are welcomed in the country.

After Hamotzi, chanted by the Kollel’s Rabbi Avraham Feigelstock, Ilene-Jo Bellas, former president of the JNF Pacific Region (2012-2015), was presented with the JNF Bloomfield Award by local shaliach Ilan Pilo. He described Bellas as an indefatigable servant for Israel who “bled blue and white,” a portrayal she affirmed as fact after taking the podium.

The video on the work of the JNF was introduced by JNF Canada president Wendy Eidinger Spatzner, who explained that the First Zionist Congress established a fund to purchase land in Israel and that this fund became JNF. She talked about JNF’s extensive work to “build the infrastructure of Israel,” noting that it affects the daily lives of “pretty much every Israeli citizen.”

Rabbi Dan Moskovitz then led everyone in Birkat Hamazon, before Vancouver TheatreSports performed a series of improv skits centred on the Pollocks’ life as a married couple.

The keynote speaker of the dinner was Doron Almog, a former major general in the Israel Defence Forces, who received the Israel Prize for lifetime of achievement. He discussed his role as founder of ALEH, the charity for children with developmental disabilities that the Pollocks chose to support with monies raised from the evening.

Almog spoke on the theme of commitment, as experienced throughout his life and in the work he has done for children. He shared the story of the death of his brother, a tank operator who died after being injured, left behind by his fellow IDF soldiers. Almog subsequently swore to never leave behind an injured soldier.

Almog’s son Eran, who was named after his fallen uncle, was born with a combination of autism and developmental problems, and a psychiatrist told the family that he would probably never speak, remaining at the cognitive age of an infant. “This son became the greatest teacher of my life, he taught me more than anyone about life, about commitment,” said Almog.

After his son died, Almog went to see how children like Eran are treated “in the only Jewish state in the world.” What he saw horrified him: “The first thing you saw is the stink; distorted, terrified faces; shameful things. What the hell are these places, why are they being punished more?”

photo - Keynote speaker Maj. Gen. (Res.) Doron Almog, founder of ALEH, right, with local businessman and philanthropist Gary Segal — Keynote speaker Maj. Gen. (Res.) Doron Almog, founder of ALEH, right, with local businessman and philanthropist Gary Segal. *(photo by Robert Albanese)*

Almog discovered that such children were objects of shame in Israeli society. Golda Meir, prime minister of Israel from 1969 to 1974, had a granddaughter with Down syndrome who, as an adult, gave interviews to the press, said Almog. In these interviews, he continued, “she said, ‘Golda never visited me, Golda never loved me, Golda told my mom, “Never mention the prime minister of Israel having a retarded granddaughter.”’ Yigal Alon [deputy prime minister of Israel, 1968-1979] had a beautiful child who, at age 5, was taken away from the kibbutz she was born in and sent away to Scotland and he never spoke about her. And inside me I heard my son screaming, ‘My dear father, I will never complain to the media, you can send me away to Scotland and never speak of me, but, if you do that, you do not deserve even the title of “father” or even the title of human. I am the ultimate test of commitment,’ he said to me, the echo box of your bleeding brother.”

After Almog left the military, he established the village of ALEH, “a paradise where the children can have a full life. We broke the walls of stigma and shame and stereotypes.”

ALEH Jerusalem, a multi-service home for children with disabilities, now receives help from more than 450 volunteers from all over the world. Some of them, said Almog, are children of Nazis, who say they are coming as atonement for Hitler’s decision to kill people with disabilities. “The social chain is always measured by its weakest link,” said Almog, receiving a standing ovation.

After a video explaining more about ALEH, there was a video tribute to the Pollocks introduced by their children, Josh, Elliot and Shoshana. The Pollocks said a few words, after which Goldman and Pilo wound up the celebration.

Matthew Gindin is a freelance journalist, writer and lecturer. He is Pacific correspondent for the CJN, writes regularly for the Forward, Tricycle and the Wisdom Daily, and has been published in Sojourners, Religion Dispatches and elsewhere. He can be found on Medium and Twitter.

Horror at the border

While American elected officials posted pious family-friendly Father’s Day messages on social media Sunday, about 2,300 children remained incarcerated by the U.S. government’s Immigration and Customs Enforcement branch, stolen from their parents at the southern border with Mexico.

The families are migrants from throughout Central America and the idea of tearing children from their parents is dubbed the “nuclear option” for discouraging illegal migration into the United States. Once the families are divided, children and adults begin separate legal journeys. Some parents are being deported while their children remain behind. One infant was snatched from its mother while breastfeeding.

The boys are being held in a repurposed Walmart. No one outside government knows where the girls are.

President Donald Trump, whose administration implemented the inhumane policy, blames Democratic lawmakers for the situation, in keeping with his pathological dishonesty.

Inevitably, social media is making rampant comparisons with the Holocaust. In an age when the Nazi era is invoked just about every time a disagreement arises, this parallel remains troubling. As distasteful as the analogy is though, it does reflect a laudable desire to scream injustice in the loudest way.

“We are better than this,” critics say, or “This is not America,” both of which defy the evidence. As awareness increases about this horror, if Americans are not rallying on the streets in every city and town, we will know whether this is America or whether they are better than this.

Traveling with young kids

(photo by Masada Siegel)

Taking a red-eye flight was no way to end a glorious Hawaii vacation with my nine-month-old, but it was the only nonstop and I figured everyone would go to sleep. Ah, how wrong I was! My little guy, who just had started walking, was so excited that we were not only awake the entire flight, but we spent it walking up and down the aisle.

Having little ones is a game-changer. After having traveled solo for months at a time, where I could follow any whim and not plan if I didn’t want to, my travel style has been turned completely upside down, but for all the right reasons.

So, while I always pack lots of extra food and supplies for my little guy, who’s now a toddler, I’ve learned to pack light for myself. Everything needs to be multipurpose. For example, my go-to travel uniform consists of a wrap-sweater because I use it as a baby blanket, and many friends use it as a nursing cover-up. Also, because it’s attractive, it can dress up a simple outfit.

Part of the travel experience is keeping your kids entertained. The best compliment I got recently was when a woman two rows behind me exclaimed, “What, you have a toddler with you? I had no idea. Thank you for making this a pleasant flight for all of us.”

Truth is it helps to be extremely prepared with planned activities, as well as making sure your little one is excited about the journey. A happy kid makes for a pleasant flight for all. Prior to our trip, I gave my son his own luggage, a super-cute airplane-themed rolling suitcase that also turns into a backpack. He loves it and constantly drags it around with him. I find it helpful for him to feel as if he is one of us, and part of the adventure.

I always pack a number of toys – they all must be useful both on the long flights and at the destination. I never leave home without our Bubzi, a stuffed owl that plays lullabies and projects stars on the ceiling, as it helps with sleep. Another lightweight item to bring is the Cinemood, an ultra-light three-inch portable projector that can be used just about anywhere with a flat surface, as its preloaded with lullabies, books and kid-friendly content. Be sure to pick up kid-safe headsets that protect little ears; Buddyphones are especially good on planes to help drown out the noise, too.

Traveling with a toddler has its ups and downs. On a recent trip, my son, who has always disliked cribs, was sleeping in a bed. Even though he was right next to me, he still flew off of it in the middle of the night, leading to a bruised up nose and an upset mom. There seem to be a million tiny situations that need to be thought through, some as simple as piling pillows all over the floor around a bed.

I’ve also learned that the details matter, such as keeping my little one out of the sun. While I tan easily, my son is blond and fair, leading me to explore a million different sunscreens, many sticky, which led to complaints. While we do use sunscreen, I’ve heard conflicting reports of how useful they are and how bad some of the chemicals are, so I finally changed my travel stroller to one that has on oversized canopy, as extra protection.

A sturdy stroller is also important because you can place your bags in it and my son can walk alongside me or even push the stroller. I’ve realized, the more active he is in the airport, the more tired he will be on the airplane. I always research the airport we are flying into, to see if there is anything to see, such as an aquarium, museum or viewing deck, so as to keep everyone entertained.

However, being organized takes a lot of effort and, while I try my best to keep everything in its place in my diaper bag, sometimes I don’t. I’ve had to dig around for my wallet, plane tickets and all sorts of odds and ends. Usually, a box of milk or other liquid slips my mind and then security zeroes in on me.

Even with a baby in tow, I have been patted down on every single flight I have taken with my son. Security is in no rush and generally don’t care if you miss your plane. On my last flight, I had to run through the airport holding my son to make it in time.

Traveling with a toddler certainly keeps you on your toes, but isn’t that why we travel in the first place, because we want to have new experiences? So, while the getting to the destination is part of the journey, my best advice is to try to enjoy the ride.

Masada Siegel is an award-winning journalist and photographer. Follow her at @masadasiegel and visit her website, masadasiegel.com.

Digital impact on our lives

(photo from publicdomainpictures.net)

Dr. Simon Trepel, child analyst and psychiatrist at the Manitoba Adolescent Treatment Centre, is seeing an increasing number of children and teenagers using phones – even during sessions.

“I was hearing more and more from parents about some difficulties they were having around technology and screen time,” said Trepel. “I was noticing, even in my own family, how pervasive screens are becoming … as a preferred source of entertainment, as well.

“When this stuff marinates in you for awhile, it makes you curious about deeper questions about what’s going on. It ultimately behooves anybody who is working in mental health to start wondering about all the ingredients that might be contributing to someone’s mental health…. I became more curious about how these devices and screen time might be affecting, not just kids and teens, but, really, all of us.”

According to Trepel, using technology in daily life is no longer a choice. It is a fundamental part of how we all get by. Most of us check our phones several times a day, and conduct business and communication on our phones or tablets almost exclusively.

He said there are about four billion people using the internet right now worldwide, and a third of those people are children and teens. There are about five billion people using mobile phones and a little over three billion people on social media at any given time, he said. And, these are all increases of anywhere from five to 15% in comparison to the previous year.

“These trends are changing how we communicate,” said Trepel. “They are changing how much face-to-face communication we have and the nature of the communication itself. The previous generation would use words and texts. Now, videos, pictures and memos are the preferred way to communicate. It’s changing the very ingredients we use to communicate with one another.”

There are implications to this change, especially in children, whose not yet fully developed brains are particularly susceptible to getting into trouble online. But, Trepel said, there is something that can be done – and it starts with adults getting off their phones and other screens, especially when around young people. We also need to start talking about these issues, as kids who come from homes that discuss such topics tend to be less at risk.

“When there’s a more negotiated amount of technology use and supervision and things like that, that is a good thing,” said Trepel. “But, there are many, many kids who have a combination of not a lot of supervision combined with having an immature brain, and these kids are the ones we are most worried about getting into trouble online.

“We worry that screens are displacing a lot of other activities that might be healthier than being on technology – things like getting adequate sleep or being outside. The amount of hours spent outside is now at about half of what it used to be. It’s gone from about 18 hours a week to about seven hours a week in one single generation.”

Getting a handle on this will not be easy, but it starts with parents making the time to fully understand the tech diet of their kids. Just like we monitor their food intake, we need to monitor their tech intake.

“Sit down with them and let them take you through a typical day,” advised Trepel. “What types of sites are they using and for how long? What types of interactions are they are having on this site? The timing of this is important. Is it the first thing they do in the day, getting on their device? Is it the last thing they do before bed? Do they themselves detect any problems with their screen use? Are they running into any cyber-bullying or being taken advantage of? Do they feel better or worse after using their phones? Do they notice phones cutting into their sleep, or do they notice themselves having a difficult time stopping themselves from checking? This is the beginning of getting data about how your kids and teens are using their phones. But, it’s also starting to ask the question of whether or not this is becoming a problem for your kid or teen.”

Trepel suggested that, when you monitor your kids, you want to make sure it is active monitoring – that you are co-viewing and discussing the sites that they are on. It is also important to avoid spy-type programs, he said, as kids will find ways to work around them.

Aim to be playing together, following each other on social media. Use any opportunity for educational guidance – not so much making it a single conversation, but, instead, an ongoing dialogue about the device. You can ask for their help learning about social media, for example. “I think that’s a very elegant way to cover a lot of bases,” said Trepel. “It allows the parent to learn a lot about what the kid is using, in terms of technology use. But, it also updates the parents as to what these social media sites are all about – how they are navigated, how they are used.

“It may also be a great way for kids and parents to spend more time together, interacting with each other, teaching each other. While they might teach you about Twitter, you might be able to point out various ways they are using the technology that might be helpful or harmful. You might, if the child teaches you Twitter, find out if the child has a public account and is being followed by hundreds of people the child has never met before.

“It’s not only a way to have a child feel good about helping a parent, but, once the parent knows more about the technology, the parent can start to look for red flags.”

Studies have shown that parental behaviour is one of the most powerful influences on a child’s behaviour. So, Trepel suggests taking an honest look at yourself as a parent, about how embedded these devices are in your own life. And then, start to change that for yourself, while also becoming a good role model for your kids.

“You want to be proactive with your kids,” said Trepel. “You don’t want to wait until there’s a problem. You want to educate them to the possibility of problems.

“You also want to be proactive about texting and driving. This really might be the drinking and driving of our generation. I remember, when I was in high school, there was MADD, Mother’s Against Drunk Driving. I think we need some sort of revival of that, looking at parents being concerned about texting and driving. The stats from Manitoba are striking that, just five or 10 years ago, we were seeing maybe 3,000 collisions per year. And, in the span of just a few years, it’s now up to 11,000 collisions involving distracted driving per year – a four- or fivefold increase, about 30 distracted driving collisions a day.”

Trepel said it is best to avoid taking technology away without offering an alternative. Make it easy for kids to see their friends in real life, he said. Let them go over to their friends’ houses, take them places they want to go, and do things they want to do – provide them with in-person opportunities. Play a board game, do arts-and-crafts, encourage them to learn to play an instrument or participate in a sport. Off-screen activities, he said, have a greater likelihood of making your kids feel happy as compared to on-screen activities.

Trepel suggested having your kids turn off their phone notifications at important times of the day, like sleep time, family time, meal time, school time, and so on. And make sure that you do the same.

“Every time we get a signal from our phone, it could be someone liking our photo or giving us a compliment, or something we anticipate might be good,” said Trepel. “And that reward system in our brain kicks into gear and compels us to want to check what the notifications are. Once our screen is on and in our hands, we might end up surfing or doing something else we weren’t even intending to do – at the expense of whatever original activity we were doing before the notification occurred. So, we have to make sure that we turn off all those attention stealers.”

Trepel recommended that parents turn off the wifi after 9 p.m., or even earlier, if they think there will be a significant battle to have their kids turn off their screens in the evening or if it is affecting their ability to do homework.

Or, he added, you can get your kids a phone with no internet capabilities. Some executives, he said, have even switched back to such phones, as they were wasting too much of their time when they had a phone with more tech capabilities.

For starters, Trepel said, begin the conversation. Ask your kids for ways to keep things under control. Dialogue, go back and forth, and find ways that work for your family.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Unique, unconditional love

(photo from discogs.com)

“Oh, I know that I owe what I am today to that dear little lady so old and grey, to that wonderful Yiddishe momme of mine.”

The beautiful song “My Yiddishe Momme” was written by Lew Pollack and Jack Yellen in the 1920s. Sophie Tucker sang it (among many others), making it a hit in 1925. It has become a classic in acknowledging the culture of that era, when the stereotypical mother was the very essence of love, warmth and selfless devotion and sacrifice. (See the 2006 article “Jewish Mothers” by Philologos in the Forward.)

This Sunday, May 13, many people will pay homage to their mothers. No matter the distance, flowers will be sent and phones will be ringing as sons and daughters take a few moments to honour the woman who nurtured and cared for them, who was the source and sustenance of life, and to acknowledge her sacrifices. On this day, once a year, we recognize the value of a mother. But, there is, perhaps, a contradiction that belies our actions. While we rightly honour our mothers on Mother’s Day, we devalue their role on other days. For example, the recognition and awareness of the crucial role of mothering in a child’s healthy development and, consequently, to future generations, is often seen as a secondary role in the scheme of our busy lives.

Psychologist and author Penelope Leach says in her book Child Care Today: Getting It Right for Everyone (Alfred A. Knopf, 2009), “unlike all other mammals, most of the growth of the human brain is postnatal, and continues for several years.” Social and economic pressures continue to present conflicts for all mothers in terms of child care, as attachment theory emphasizes the importance of mothering in the early years.

But mothers don’t have to be perfect. Like her children, she has her own needs and cares. Yet, she performs a multitude of tasks in ensuring her child’s needs are met, and that is a greater challenge and more important than any other undertaking. We can attempt to delineate her role in three areas: providing the basic physical, emotional and psychological needs; protecting her children from harm, along with safety, security and stability; as well as being a role model who offers guidance as her children make their way in the world. In what way can we define her worth? Do we put a monetary value on it? That is impossible because it is priceless.

To this point, I have only described the practical responsibilities that mothers do. What cannot be seen, but only felt, is the unconditional love that permeates her actions, which envelops her child like a warm blanket. We’re much like Linus, a character in the Charles Schulz’s Peanuts comic strip, who clings to that security blanket like a lifeline.

Perhaps the importance of my Yiddishe momme can best be expressed in the words of the child in each of us:

She gives me a hug when I am sad
And holds me close when I am mad
She cools my brow when I am sick
And puts my art work on the fridge
She makes me wear mittens, and a toque, and a scarf, and boots when it’s cold outside, even if I don’t want to
She holds me when I have bad dreams, when I am afraid of the dark, or when lightning and thunder scare me
She kisses me for no reason
She loves me just because I’m me.

These needs are not just for children. They remain with us all our lives. We learn how to satisfy them better as we “mature,” but, when life overwhelms us, or we feel sad or lonely or frightened, we all hunger for a mother’s touch, for a mother’s hug, for a mother’s love. As Barbra Streisand sings in the song, “People,” “we are … letting our grown-up pride hide all the need inside.”

This is why the most fundamental loss of a mother – due to an untimely death, or her being present physically but absent emotionally or psychologically through mental illness or other debilitating disorder – is the loss of love. A child may recognize who they have lost but not what they have lost. Only in her absence does the impact of the loss become clearer. Only in her absence does her value become perceptible. Only when it disappears is the value of a mother deeply felt. And it is irreplaceable.

Doris Lessing, who was a Nobel Prize-winning author and lecturer at the CBC Massey Lectures, shared a deep insight in the 1986 essay “Prisons We Choose to Live Inside,” when she said, “… what we have we take for granted. What we are used to, we cease to value.”

To those who are fortunate to still have your Yiddishe momme in your lives, be thankful, and let her know how much she is cherished. For those who don’t, treasure the memories, which are precious. And, for those who are themselves mothers, you have undertaken one of the most difficult but important tasks of life with all its pleasures and perils. To all mothers and to those who “mother,” we honour you, today and every day.

Libby Simon, MSW, worked in child welfare services prior to joining the Child Guidance Clinic in Winnipeg as a school social worker and parent educator for 20 years. Also a freelance writer, her writing has appeared in Canada, the United States and internationally, in such outlets as Canadian Living, CBC, Winnipeg Free Press, PsychCentral and Cardus, a Canadian research and educational public policy think tank.

Treat your mom special

H Tasting Lounge at the Westin Bayshore has a new tea service. (photo from westinbayshore.com/htasting-lounge)

Mother’s Day might be celebrated only once a year, but being a mother is an everyday, every minute occupation. Rashi, the brilliant 11th-century sage, offered a moving interpretation: “A mother is a woman who gives life,” he wrote (see Rashi, Genesis 3:20).

Rabbi Pinchas Allouche, spiritual leader of Congregration Beth Tefillah in Scottsdale, Ariz., explained, “A mother does not just live; she makes life. She does not just occupy space for herself; she makes space for others. She does not desire to take; she desires to provide. She does not seek power; she seeks influence. She does not just live by existing; she lives by giving. And she breathes life, continuously, into her own children, and into her own surroundings.”

Since most moms are so busy taking care of everyone else, this special day is an opportunity to give back to this wonderful person, if you’re lucky enough to have her still in your life. Here are a few ideas on how to celebrate.

Something sweet

If you live in the Metro Vancouver area, check out the new tea service at the H Tasting Lounge at the Westin Bayshore in Coal Harbour (westinbayshore.com/htasting-lounge). It has two choices, Eastern-style and Western. Their Western Tea includes smoked salmon and cucumber tea sandwiches, as well as a variety of sweet samplings such as scones with jam and cream. Meanwhile, the Eastern Tea, while also a classic tea service, includes a mix of traditional Asian foods, such as a duck wrap.

If you would rather create something unique at home, try using Yonanas (yonanas.com). My mom and I made a healthy dairy-free dessert, as the machine transforms frozen fruit into what tastes like ice cream – without all the calories. They include a recipe book with the machine, but we found it fun to experiment. We added, for example, a little chocolate and cinnamon to the frozen bananas.

DNA kit

Mother’s Day is a great opportunity to get to know your mom better in myriad ways and a DNA test is a great way to learn about your family. We used the Living DNA test (livingdna.com), but there are others.

My mom swabbed the inside of her mouth and, within a few weeks, we discovered that some of our ancestors were Dutch, Finnish and Swedish! Living DNA does a comprehensive analysis. It provided data on our ancestry throughout human history, as well as percentages of our ethnic backgrounds from 80 global regions. The company also offers a full-colour coffee table book of your results, which preserves your family history for future generations.

Something stylish

I recently discovered a few new stylish brands of purses for moms. MZ Wallace and Be Brilliant have purses that are useful for a variety of purposes, from practical to simply being fashionable, which is always a treat for the mom shlepping around a million items usually not for herself. Both brands are easily cleaned, offer lots of pockets and, best of all, will make your mom feel special. (And both companies sell and ship to Canada.)

photo - To design and make your own hat, check out Vancouver-based West Coast Hatters — To design and make your own hat, check out Vancouver-based West Coast Hatters. *(photo from westcoasthatters.com)*

The purse can be paired with a fancy hat. I love creating new fashions, and spending quality time with my mom doing something creative is always a joy. To design and make your own hat, check out Vancouver-based West Coast Hatters (westcoasthatters.com), which specializes in creating hats for film and hosts one-on-one workshops or small classes for people who want to create their own special style.

In the fascinator-making class, students use a straw base and build up from there. However, if you want to get serious about hat-making, try the two-day class, where you will create a masterpiece by hand, blocking, steaming and draping the fabric into your own special creation.

Spa day

A personal favourite is to treat my mom to a spa day. The truth is I have yet to meet a mom would couldn’t use some time for herself, and what better way to celebrate each other than by spending quality time together in a quiet setting.

There is also the option of a do-it-yourself spa day. You can set the mood by lighting candles and putting out comfortable chairs while you and your mom give yourselves facials.

Personally, I like American spa owner David J. Witchell’s eponymous collection (davidjwitchell.com), which features an all-natural line of products. I like DJW’s Matcha Wash with grit for cleansing, using a towel or natural sea sponge, then following it with the company’s Shaman oil blend, which firms and illuminates the tone and texture of the skin, and its Time Traveler, which brightens, hydrates and protects your skin.

To complete the spa experience, you can gift your mom some luxury body soaps. One brand I use it Costa d’Oro (siegebrands.com/naturalsoaps). Its soaps are natural, made in Arizona and leave my body feeling a decade younger. I especially like Himalayan Salt Scrub with Activated Charcoal; Lemongrass and Rosemary; and Gardenia.

The best part of a do-it-yourself spa day is that your mom can use the products again and again.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Masada Siegel is an award-winning journalist and photographer. Follow her @masadasiegel and visit her website, masadasiegel.com.

JCC Book Fest awards given

Western Canada Jewish Book Award 2018 winners, left to right: Roger Frie, Deborah Willis, Kathryn Shoemaker and Irene Watts. Missing: Tilar Mazzeo. (photo by Cynthia Ramsay)

Deborah Willis became a writer, in part, because it is a way “to learn about the things that you’re curious about.” Irene N. Watts and Kathryn E. Shoemaker were motivated to reimagine a decade’s-old story in light of its relevance to pressing issues of today. And, in his latest work, Roger Frie found a way to discuss a past for which, previously, “the words were missing for how to speak about it.”

The Western Canada Jewish Book Awards, presented by the Cherie Smith JCC Jewish Book Festival, took place on April 26. Self-proclaimed book lover Daniella Givon, who is part of the JBF committee and was chair of the awards committee, introduced the evening.

“As I looked for ways to enhance the Jewish Book Festival,” she said, “I had a vision that book awards would marry the goals of the festival with the celebration of, and support the achievements of, local Jewish writers from Western Canada and showcase the winning authors. Since then, we’ve already gone through the process of bringing the ideas to fruition with the help of a subcommittee and the first round of awards … a beautiful ceremony was held here two years ago, recognizing five best-deserving authors.”

This year, four awards were presented, as chosen by the selection committee of former librarian Linda Bonder (Victoria); author and librarian Elisabeth Kushner (Vancouver); author and poet Dave Margoshes (near Saskatoon); writer, teacher and critic Norman Ravvin (Montreal); and Judith Saltman, professor emerita at the University of British Columbia School of Library, Archival and Information Studies. The winners were Calgary-based Willis for The Dark and Other Love Stories (Diamond Foundation Prize for fiction); Tilar J. Mazzeo, who divides her time between Maine, New York and Vancouver Island, for Irena’s Children (Pinsky Givon Family Prize for non-fiction); Vancouver’s Watts and Shoemaker for Seeking Refuge (Jonathan and Heather Berkowitz Prize for children and youth literature); and Frie, professor of education at Simon Fraser University and affiliate professor of psychiatry at UBC, for Not in My Family: German Memory and Responsibility after the Holocaust (Kahn Family Foundation Prize for writing on the Holocaust).

At the awards ceremony, each of the donors, or their representative, announced the winner of their sponsored award, which included a cash component. The winners – except for Mazzeo, who could not attend – read excerpts from their books and were interviewed briefly by Marsha Lederman, Western arts correspondent for the Globe and Mail.

Frie, who seven years ago discovered his maternal grandfather’s involvement with the Nazis, told Lederman, “This was a past no one had spoken about and, as I soon learned to understand, I think the words were missing for how to speak about it.” About the war in general, he said, his parents – who immigrated in the 1950s to Canada (Frie was born here) – talked about Germany’s responsibility for the Holocaust, however they did not speak about what his grandparents believed or what their involvement was in the war. He has found, in his research, that this “is a common dynamic amongst Germans in the postwar period.” He said that, while Germany has faced its past, “the emphasis on collective memory and collective understanding and collective responsibility has, in some way, allowed individual families to avoid confronting the past, and this book [Not in My Family] is very much a representation of that.”

Lederman described Mazzeo’s book as “astonishing.”

“I knew nothing about Irena Sendler before I picked up this book, so this has been a gift,” she said. “Irena Sendler was a Polish woman who saved … thousands of Jewish children during the Holocaust with amazing feats of courage, often in the Warsaw Ghetto. Her story is incredible, this book is incredible, and I can only hope that Steven Spielberg gets his hands on a copy.”

Shoemaker gave a brief presentation on the creative process she and Watts went through to create the graphic novel Seeking Refuge, which is based on Watts’ book Remember Me (first published in 2000). And Watts spoke of the challenge of cutting 27 chapters down to nine. “What I had to keep in mind,” said Watts, “is you can get so carried away by cutting and changing the language to make it more dynamic that you lose the story a little bit, and I had to watch that I didn’t diminish the characters.”

About the cover of the graphic novel, which features a girl sitting on a suitcase looking forlorn, Watts said Shoemaker “told the story in that one image.” Later, in response to a question from Lederman, Watts said the current refugee crisis was “the major reason to bring this book back in a different format.”

As for Willis, she spoke with Lederman about her winning collection of short fiction. “I was writing the stories for about five years, and I actually started noticing that the word ‘love’ was coming up over and over again. I was at first a little dismayed by that because I was thinking, oh, love stories, that’s been done. But then I embraced it and I wanted to try and explore that theme in a way that was true to my esthetic, or my goals as a story writer. I set it almost as a challenge.”

After an open Q&A with the authors, JCC Jewish Book Festival director Dana Camil Hewitt wound up the event with thanks to the sponsors, judges, awards committee and audience.

For an interview with Watts and Shoemaker, visit jewishindependent.ca/meet-award-winning-artists and, for a review of Not in My Family, visit jewishindependent.ca/a-grandfathers-sins.

Abuse comes in many forms

In the second of a series of articles on sexual harassment and violence in the Jewish community, the Jewish Independent speaks with Dr. Alan Stamp, clinical director at Vancouver’s Jewish Family Services.

The #MeToo movement, founded by Tarana Burke in 2006, is based on the concept that empowerment for scores of survivors is possible through empathy – from survivors knowing they are not alone. The movement aims to achieve radical community healing and disruption of all systems that have allowed sexual violence to flourish.

Dr. Alan Stamp, clinical director at Vancouver’s Jewish Family Services, stressed the particular need to protect children. From a psychological standpoint, around the age of 9, there is nothing worse than what is called a “boundary violation” of a young person inflicted upon him or her by an adult.

“Adults, parents, caregivers … are meant to keep kids safe,” Stamp told the Independent. “And when a child is abused by an adult figure, it breaks the trust that the child has – not only in that person, but it breaks their trust in the world. The world becomes an unsafe place to be.”

Stamp went on to explain that children have simple intellectual lives, in that they expect to be cared for in a way that is warm, nurturing and attentive. “When abuse happens, this is stripped away,” he said. “The impact on the developing psyche is that … I have to be vigilant, watchful, that there could be danger all around me…. And, it could be a teacher, an adult and/or a family member.

“The child puts a lot of focus on being vigilant rather than what they are meant to do, which is to learn through play, through relationships. So this is a very injurious act, probably the most injurious act a child can experience.”

Young people who have had this kind of experience develop all kinds of coping strategies – from withdrawing, to acting out, being aggressive and developing learning problems. These coping mechanisms can last a lifetime.

photo - Dr. Alan Stamp — Dr. Alan Stamp (photo from JFS)

“I’ve had many clients over my life who, when they are in their 60s, 70s or 80s, they tell me they’ve never told anyone this story before … and they launch into a story about being harmed … and that it has had an effect on all the relationships they’ve gone on to have in their lives,” said Stamp. “This is why it’s so injurious to a child. If you’re an adult and you have the horrible misfortune of being assaulted or abused, you have had more life experience to be able to manage it. If abuse happens to a youth, while not a child any more, they’re still at a tremendous disadvantage. For young people, getting help, intervening as soon as possible for an extended period of time, really increases the potential for people to do better later in life.”

Outside of explicit sexual abuse, other forms of abuse include emotional abuse, which can involve behaviour that is berating, condescending, hostile or threatening.

“This can be telling a young person that, if you don’t get a top mark in your class, you’re going to ‘suffer these consequences’ – like withdrawing food, be sent to the basement as punishment, neglect, or any manner of things,” said Stamp.

Another form of abuse is physical. “I’ve seen kids who’ve been hit by cast-iron frying pans on their head,” said Stamp.

“I can tell you what parents are meant to do,” said Stamp. A parent “is meant to provide their child with guidance, affection, warmth, food, shelter and education. And, when a parent or caregiver is withholding things, punishing without a clear reason, disciplining inappropriately for the offence – all of these things are felt as abuse to a child.

“This is different than simply being a strict parent by sticking to boundaries, having guidelines, curfews and insisting that homework or chores are done,” he clarified. “This may be strict, but it’s not abusive. It’s abuse when an act or reaction is an inappropriate response to behaviour. A child may think she or he is being treated unfairly, but it is not necessarily abuse. Abuse is something that will shake up the developmental life of the child and will cause them to look at the world through a different lens. Being a strict or controlling parent isn’t necessarily abuse, but the line can be crossed.”

Financial abuse is more often seen among adults, when someone is in a relationship – a spouse, significant other or adult child, for example – takes control of the other’s bank account. Stalking is a form of psychological abuse, making a person feel threatened and unsafe in their own home, neighbourhood or community. And there is sexual harassment. Violence can be two-sided, where both parties are abusive toward each other, or one-sided.

“Elder abuse is now happening with tremendous frequency, where adult children are abusing their elderly parents,” said Stamp. “This is something that’s almost a pandemic, I think, in many – even North American – societies.”

For people who are in an abusive relationship, it is often difficult to leave an abuser. Violence against women is a form of very fierce oppression, according to Stamp. “It oppresses their spirit. They often will say that they should have left and that they knew they had to, but that they couldn’t – that they felt paralyzed with fear for themselves or of harm coming to them, their child or to other family members … or that they didn’t have the confidence to leave,” he said.

“The psychological or physical abuse of a spouse or partner is very systemic,” he explained. “It affects them in many ways. Often, women will take up to eight years to leave an abusive relationship – that’s a very telling stat. When they do leave, they can look back on it and say that they should have left earlier. What I advise is, ensure that you are safe, that you have a safety plan … that you can get up and out of the house with your child within minutes.”

Stamp advises people in abusive relationships to always include in their escape plan talking to family and friends about the situation, as well as to identify resources in their community, just in case. “There are many resources in the community for women fleeing domestic violence,” he said. “It’s a very scary proposition, but, to get what you want, you have to give something up. You have to fight for yourself and become your own hero in many ways, your own best friend. There is help, there are resources…. Life is not meant to be lived being oppressed, threatened or being fearful for your safety.”

Stamp said it is important to remember that abuse is often passed down in families. If you were raised in a home where your parents yelled at each other, hurt each other, used foul language or were otherwise disrespectful, you have a much greater chance of being abusive yourself.

“Using one’s anger is a way of trying to gain control and to oppress others,” said Stamp. “Abuse is something that tends to be systemic, so it can be familial…. It can go back in time and come back to haunt us in the present.

“I’ve seen and worked with many men who were abusive and I’d say that 85% of those men came from homes where they were abused. So, unless we’re addressing that kind of family situation and the people who use abuse as a way to control or manage themselves and others, we’re going to continue to see this pattern throughout time.”

Stamp said the only way to create change is by means of awareness and education – through campaigns, schools, reporting, and by having community services that can positively intervene.

For more information about the counseling services offered by JFS, visit jfsvancouver.ca or call Stamp at 604-637-3309.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.