teenagers

Parenting in pandemic

The Rohr Jewish Learning Institute (JLI) has recently published Parenting in a Pandemic: A Guide for the Perplexed. Part of Project L’Chaim, a new Vancouver-wide youth mental health initiative in memory of Steven Diamond, the 36-page booklet is filled with insights and practical tools from 14 mental health experts to help parents and educators support their teens through the current crisis.

New York-based Rabbi Zalman Abraham runs the marketing and strategic planning for JLI. “We are the largest Jewish adult education network in the world, operating in over 2,000 locations,” said Abraham, who has been working in this role for the past 11 years or so.

Prior to joining JLI, Abraham authored courses and books, was an editor at askmoses.com and served in various teaching capacities. He was born in Brooklyn, grew up in South Africa, and did his schooling in the United States and Israel.

“My father is very active in dealing with the opioid crisis in South Africa,” Abraham told the Independent in a phone interview. “He’s known as the ‘addicts rabbi.’ There were times when I was growing up where there were up to six or seven addicts living in our house, because there was no better alternative then…. My father was involved with hundreds and hundreds of addicts, and overseeing their rehabilitation. He ran a halfway house, so I have a little bit of a background in that area.”

Abraham’s study of Chassidic philosophy deals a lot with Torah hanefesh, which can be loosely translated as psychology. The rabbi explained that this “is how Judaism informs us about our emotional and mental state and character, which is very relevant to addressing some of the very real mental health challenges our society is experiencing today.”

JLI has been offering courses for about 20 years, said the rabbi. “Over the past 10 years or so, many of our courses have focused on continuing education for professionals. We started with the legal profession, with courses in ethics and comparative talmudic and civil American and Canadian law. These were accredited by various bar associations of states [and provinces] across North America, including … the Law Society of British Columbia – they accredit for official continuing education credits for lawyers and attorneys…. We then began offering continuing medical education for medical professionals. Over the past few years, our most successful courses have been for mental health professionals, accredited by the American Psychological Association for psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, social workers and the like.

“This is an area where Jewish wisdom informs the professional world and answers a real need. The challenge with mental illness, chemical imbalances aside, is often a result of a build-up of crisis, where a person has one crisis and another … their experiences compound, [they] have trouble envisioning a future, finding hope.… They have trouble with self-esteem, with feeling confident about life, and with finding meaning and purpose in life. These are all areas that Jewish wisdom addresses in a real way, giving people a framework within which they can find meaning and purpose.”

JLI’s international program is called My Life is Worth Living. In the Metro Vancouver area, they run the program called Project L’Chaim (“To Life”), a suicide prevention project sponsored by the Diamond Foundation in memory of Gordon and Leslie Diamond’s son Steven, whose Hebrew name was Chayim.

“We use the already existing infrastructure to educate those on the frontlines who are interfacing with teens and youth – training them to become more professionally equipped to be able to support the emotional needs of the teens in their care,” explained Abraham.

“From 2007-2017 in the U.S., there’s been a 56% rise in teen suicide. This is despite all the efforts and energies being invested in this area. This is an issue that’s getting worse and isn’t yet contained – this is in the general (not Jewish-specific) population.… There’s definitely a greater need for mental health support now than there ever was before.

“And, especially now, with COVID-19, all of this is being exacerbated. To put things into perspective, only about 10% of those who need mental health treatment get it. Even then, it’s with an average delay of 10 years between the onset of symptoms and the first treatment, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.

“Stigma is a big enemy to mental health treatment. No one wants to be labeled with a mental health diagnosis and carry that around with them for life. That stigma gets in the way of people getting the help they need.”

JLI’s approach is not clinical, but is supported by a clinical advisory board that includes Thomas Joiner, author of Why People Die by Suicide and other books on understanding why people commit suicide; Jonathan Singer, president of the American Association of Suicidology; University of British Columbia suicide expert David Klonsky; director of suicide prevention for New York State Dr. Sigrid Pechenik; Madeline Gould from Columbia University; and Jill Friedman from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

“We provide professional training to those teen-interfacing adults; training that takes many forms,” said Abraham. “They learn to identify warning signs to the risk, to create a safety plan and to intervene when necessary. They learn what resources are available and what to do in various scenarios. They’re trained to be first responders. And they can isolate and help teens in the most critical situations.

“We also engage teens in group discussions, about underlying issues that are conversations for everyone – about self-esteem, hope, finding purpose and meaning in life, coping mechanisms to deal with challenges, and so on. These are conversations had outside of the mental health framework, so as to avoid stigma.”

In the Vancouver area, JLI has connected with many Jewish organizations and doctors’ offices.

“Our goal is to put it in the hands of every parent in the Greater Vancouver area,” said Abraham, who is a father himself. “It’s a compilation of 14 articles from leading youth mental health professionals, mostly from the Jewish world … to provide support to parents, so they can support their teens during these difficult times.

“The booklet gives insight to what’s going on for teens in the mental health realm and provides a lot of practical tools. The most frequently mentioned idea in the booklet is that famous line from the safety announcement on airplanes – putting on your oxygen mask first, and then helping others. People need self-care first.

“Youth, particularly teens, are social beings needing social interaction to thrive. Many don’t have this right now due to COVID-19 restrictions. Also, youth need clarity, something they can depend on … so parents need to know how to create an open channel of communication for teens to feel safe to discuss their feelings.

“The number one hope is that parents will become more aware of what their teens are going through…. Lastly and most importantly, is that they gain some tool/ideas to help them support their teens through this.”

Visit myjli.com/index.html?task=parenting for more information or to order the booklet.

“This is just the first step of many that will be coming out,” said Abraham. “We’ve already run multiple professional trainings and we hope to do many more. This is a beginning of a big, multi-year project.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Digital impact on our lives

(photo from publicdomainpictures.net)

Dr. Simon Trepel, child analyst and psychiatrist at the Manitoba Adolescent Treatment Centre, is seeing an increasing number of children and teenagers using phones – even during sessions.

“I was hearing more and more from parents about some difficulties they were having around technology and screen time,” said Trepel. “I was noticing, even in my own family, how pervasive screens are becoming … as a preferred source of entertainment, as well.

“When this stuff marinates in you for awhile, it makes you curious about deeper questions about what’s going on. It ultimately behooves anybody who is working in mental health to start wondering about all the ingredients that might be contributing to someone’s mental health…. I became more curious about how these devices and screen time might be affecting, not just kids and teens, but, really, all of us.”

According to Trepel, using technology in daily life is no longer a choice. It is a fundamental part of how we all get by. Most of us check our phones several times a day, and conduct business and communication on our phones or tablets almost exclusively.

He said there are about four billion people using the internet right now worldwide, and a third of those people are children and teens. There are about five billion people using mobile phones and a little over three billion people on social media at any given time, he said. And, these are all increases of anywhere from five to 15% in comparison to the previous year.

“These trends are changing how we communicate,” said Trepel. “They are changing how much face-to-face communication we have and the nature of the communication itself. The previous generation would use words and texts. Now, videos, pictures and memos are the preferred way to communicate. It’s changing the very ingredients we use to communicate with one another.”

There are implications to this change, especially in children, whose not yet fully developed brains are particularly susceptible to getting into trouble online. But, Trepel said, there is something that can be done – and it starts with adults getting off their phones and other screens, especially when around young people. We also need to start talking about these issues, as kids who come from homes that discuss such topics tend to be less at risk.

“When there’s a more negotiated amount of technology use and supervision and things like that, that is a good thing,” said Trepel. “But, there are many, many kids who have a combination of not a lot of supervision combined with having an immature brain, and these kids are the ones we are most worried about getting into trouble online.

“We worry that screens are displacing a lot of other activities that might be healthier than being on technology – things like getting adequate sleep or being outside. The amount of hours spent outside is now at about half of what it used to be. It’s gone from about 18 hours a week to about seven hours a week in one single generation.”

Getting a handle on this will not be easy, but it starts with parents making the time to fully understand the tech diet of their kids. Just like we monitor their food intake, we need to monitor their tech intake.

“Sit down with them and let them take you through a typical day,” advised Trepel. “What types of sites are they using and for how long? What types of interactions are they are having on this site? The timing of this is important. Is it the first thing they do in the day, getting on their device? Is it the last thing they do before bed? Do they themselves detect any problems with their screen use? Are they running into any cyber-bullying or being taken advantage of? Do they feel better or worse after using their phones? Do they notice phones cutting into their sleep, or do they notice themselves having a difficult time stopping themselves from checking? This is the beginning of getting data about how your kids and teens are using their phones. But, it’s also starting to ask the question of whether or not this is becoming a problem for your kid or teen.”

Trepel suggested that, when you monitor your kids, you want to make sure it is active monitoring – that you are co-viewing and discussing the sites that they are on. It is also important to avoid spy-type programs, he said, as kids will find ways to work around them.

Aim to be playing together, following each other on social media. Use any opportunity for educational guidance – not so much making it a single conversation, but, instead, an ongoing dialogue about the device. You can ask for their help learning about social media, for example. “I think that’s a very elegant way to cover a lot of bases,” said Trepel. “It allows the parent to learn a lot about what the kid is using, in terms of technology use. But, it also updates the parents as to what these social media sites are all about – how they are navigated, how they are used.

“It may also be a great way for kids and parents to spend more time together, interacting with each other, teaching each other. While they might teach you about Twitter, you might be able to point out various ways they are using the technology that might be helpful or harmful. You might, if the child teaches you Twitter, find out if the child has a public account and is being followed by hundreds of people the child has never met before.

“It’s not only a way to have a child feel good about helping a parent, but, once the parent knows more about the technology, the parent can start to look for red flags.”

Studies have shown that parental behaviour is one of the most powerful influences on a child’s behaviour. So, Trepel suggests taking an honest look at yourself as a parent, about how embedded these devices are in your own life. And then, start to change that for yourself, while also becoming a good role model for your kids.

“You want to be proactive with your kids,” said Trepel. “You don’t want to wait until there’s a problem. You want to educate them to the possibility of problems.

“You also want to be proactive about texting and driving. This really might be the drinking and driving of our generation. I remember, when I was in high school, there was MADD, Mother’s Against Drunk Driving. I think we need some sort of revival of that, looking at parents being concerned about texting and driving. The stats from Manitoba are striking that, just five or 10 years ago, we were seeing maybe 3,000 collisions per year. And, in the span of just a few years, it’s now up to 11,000 collisions involving distracted driving per year – a four- or fivefold increase, about 30 distracted driving collisions a day.”

Trepel said it is best to avoid taking technology away without offering an alternative. Make it easy for kids to see their friends in real life, he said. Let them go over to their friends’ houses, take them places they want to go, and do things they want to do – provide them with in-person opportunities. Play a board game, do arts-and-crafts, encourage them to learn to play an instrument or participate in a sport. Off-screen activities, he said, have a greater likelihood of making your kids feel happy as compared to on-screen activities.

Trepel suggested having your kids turn off their phone notifications at important times of the day, like sleep time, family time, meal time, school time, and so on. And make sure that you do the same.

“Every time we get a signal from our phone, it could be someone liking our photo or giving us a compliment, or something we anticipate might be good,” said Trepel. “And that reward system in our brain kicks into gear and compels us to want to check what the notifications are. Once our screen is on and in our hands, we might end up surfing or doing something else we weren’t even intending to do – at the expense of whatever original activity we were doing before the notification occurred. So, we have to make sure that we turn off all those attention stealers.”

Trepel recommended that parents turn off the wifi after 9 p.m., or even earlier, if they think there will be a significant battle to have their kids turn off their screens in the evening or if it is affecting their ability to do homework.

Or, he added, you can get your kids a phone with no internet capabilities. Some executives, he said, have even switched back to such phones, as they were wasting too much of their time when they had a phone with more tech capabilities.

For starters, Trepel said, begin the conversation. Ask your kids for ways to keep things under control. Dialogue, go back and forth, and find ways that work for your family.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Understanding a teen’s brain

Dr. Mike Teschuk created this image to illustrate how a teen brain prioritizes.

“First thing you’ll notice is the largest lobe is the love lobe,” said Dr. Mike Teschuk, showing an image of how a teen brain prioritizes. “For teenagers, this is the capital lobe. ‘I love my new outfit. I love my girlfriend of two weeks, the latest YouTube video … but not necessarily my parents. Maybe they still do love their parents, but they don’t show it, for sure. You’ll notice, in the smallest corner, is the memory for chores and homework. That’s the smallest part of the teenage brain.”

Teschuk was speaking at a National Council of Jewish Women of Canada event on Feb. 6, held at the Rady JCC’s Berney Theatre in Winnipeg. It offered parents insights and suggestions as to how to best work with their (and other) teens.

Teschuk is a clinical psychologist at the University of Manitoba and with the Winnipeg Regional Health Authority. Besides having parented three adolescents who are now young adults, he has provided clinical services to children, adolescents and parents at the Health Sciences Centre in the department of clinical health psychology for the past 20 years.

According to Teschuk, while addiction to cellphones might be somewhat new, the way a teen brain is drawn to new and different things, and their contempt for authority, has always been present. Knowing this, he said, can help put teens’ odd and/or inconsistent behaviours into perspective for parents, and help them become more effective and empathetic caregivers. Changes that the teen brain goes through can be very intense and overwhelming.

“There is a great little analogy in Ron Clavier’s book Teen Brain, Teen Mind,” said Teschuk. He likens this new, more efficient brain that is emerging to getting a new computer. You get a new computer, it can do so much more than the old one. It takes awhile to get the hang of it, a new operating system. If you’re like me, it can be an intense learning process, sometimes frustrating. Sometimes, you’re overwhelmed. You long for the old computer, because it was more simple. Right? It was more predictable. I think we can feel more empathy for teenagers if we realize that this kind of stuff is happening in the brain.

“These changes create a sense of anxiety and stress. And, though they vacillate, they show signs of more maturity than regression backwards. They don’t want to be treated like a little kid anymore. You get this ambivalence.

“There are interesting studies that show that early to mid teens, when they have to process information and emotional tasks – when you look at the brain with more function and see what’s happening – you see they are using those temporal lobes, the middle of the brain, to process those emotions,” he said. “Eventually, what happens with age is they move into that later stage of adolescence [and] the frontal lobes take over.

“It’s what all parents are waiting for. As the frontal lobes develop, the individual can see into the future more, inhibit their impulsive behaviours, better plan, socialize and make decisions. But remember, this is a work in process,” he cautioned.

Teens become more able to consider hypothetical ideas and are more flexible in their thinking, he said. “You begin to see it by 12, 13, 14 years old – they can consider alternative possibilities. What if there is no God? What if I decide not to continue dance class or hockey … these activities my parents signed me up for when I was 5 years old?”

photo - Dr. Mike Teschuk spoke at a National Council of Jewish Women of Canada event on Feb. 6, held at the Rady JCC’s Berney Theatre in Winnipeg — Dr. Mike Teschuk spoke at a National Council of Jewish Women of Canada event on Feb. 6, held at the Rady JCC’s Berney Theatre in Winnipeg. *(photo by Rebeca Kuropatwa)*

Teschuk is a big proponent of looking at situations from the other person’s perspective. He said laying down the law and being confrontational does not work well with teens. He suggested instead to take the time to understand why they do things a certain way, and to find a way to work together to create a better outcome. This can be done by asking questions and listening, by dialogue.

“So, how do all these changes impact self-esteem?” he asked. “We know it has a big impact. Research says self-esteem often declines during early adolescence, and then improves again as they get a bit older. The idea is there can be discrepancies between who you are and who you think you should be. [Teens] start to reflect on how they are not the ideal person they want to be. At this stage, teens need a lot of reassurance from us. There is a symbolic kind of transition that has to happen. Like, in our family, the transition from the kids’ table to the grown-ups’ table. Going to the grown-up table is about also having your own views to express.”

According to Teschuk, at around 14 years of age, teens go through a “rejecting stage,” they don’t want to be with their parents at all. They want to pretend they don’t even have parents. But, Teschuk reassured the 100-person audience by way of personal example, his 23-year-old daughter, who went through this stage, now likes to go out for coffee with him – so, these things, too, shall pass. Your kids will not feel the same way at 23 as they did at 14, he said.

As parents, he said, we need to recognize that this is a normal stage of development. You don’t have to argue about it or be upset about it. Your teens will feel the need to reject a lot of the things they had until then taken for granted. They want to be independent, but it’s daunting for them.”

According to Teschuk, parent-to-adolescent connectedness is very important, especially when things are rough. Simply by hanging in there as a parent and showing how much you care has a large impact, he said, acknowledging that this is the most fundamental, yet hardest, thing to do when teens push back. “It’s easy to want to reject them, when someone is making your life very difficult,” said Teschuk. “It’s natural to feel that way, but, being able to hang in there is huge.

“Relationships with adults outside the family are important, too – with teachers, coaches, people in church or synagogue, extended family members – having other trusted adults. School connectedness is super-important, too. Schools offer so much more than academics,” he said. “If teens want to go to school because they’re on sports teams, in a play, or some other engaging activities … follow their lead and support them in those interests. Positive peer environments are important … but, of course, parents can have a role in creating those peer environments. Knowing your teenagers’ friends … and making your house a place where they want to hang out is a great strategy.”

Teschuk offered a couple of other tips. He suggested that parents, when driving their kids around, take the time to talk with their children and to connect with them. Also, he said, talking with them in this way gives the teens the chance to talk without being face-to-face, which can be uncomfortable and stress-inducing. Last but not least, Teschuk said family meals are also a great time to connect.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Camp fosters independence

At Camp Shomria, it’s all “about equality and giving the power to the youth,” says one parent. (photo from Camp Shomria)

In Ontario, Camp Shomria was established based on the principals of Hashomer Hatzair (The Young Guard), with its Zionist and socialist principles, including that building a strong community is just as important as building strong individuals.

Camp director Uri Ron Amit is an Israeli who runs the only chapter of Hashomer Hatzair in Canada, which is based in Toronto. He comes from a background of working as an educator in international development and community management.

“The kids are from Grade 2 (7-year-olds) all the way up to Grade 11 (17-year-olds),” said Amit. “By Grade 12, they become first-year youth counselors in the movement. And then, later on, they can continue working to make an impact in the camp, either as youth counselors, as head of camping or as head of programs.”

Most families involved at the camp are from the Toronto area but some campers also come from the United States and a fairly large number come all the way from Israel. The camp is situated an approximately four-hour drive northeast of Toronto, and about an hour and a half southwest of Ottawa.

“Starting in Grade 2, the kids spend a week away from home at camp,” said Amit. “Grades 3 and higher stay at the camp for at least two weeks at a time, and sometimes for five weeks. Having young kids sent by their parents to be away from home … brings both opportunities and challenges. The further away you are, the more remote [it is, and] it can create a sense of independence and a different world for the kids and youth counselors.”

Hashomer Hatzair was established more than 100 years ago, he explained, “with the idea of having youth of different ages develop an independent youth community that stands for the ideals of humanistic Judaism and Zionism. The main difference in sending your kid to experience camp away from home is the added layer of independence – a level of ownership over the community … self-reflection and personality development.

“I think the main reason parents send their kids away from home for a couple of weeks with minimal communication with them is because they want them to go through a meaningful learning process that can help them pick up a strong group dynamic in the youth community.”

Amit described one particular child who came to the camp. This child had never been to a sleepaway camp before, and was dependent on his parents for almost everything. “After a couple days, this child became a star,” said Amit. “He became independent and took to different stages of sharing feelings and emotions…. We gave him the opportunity to lead discussions … with group members. His parents said it was a life-changing experience.”

Camper Zoe Friedman, 13, who lives in Toronto, started attending the camp last summer, choosing to do so after she learned that some of her friends from Israel go there.

“It’s a camp that really builds character,” she said. “And it gives you time to expand on things … expands character, responsibility and social skills. Every morning, we have something called toranuyot (chores), where we get split into groups and go clean up the camp…. So, we might clean the washroom, pick up trash, or something else that helps everybody. The theme of Shomria is socialism. We all do everything together and support each other. It’s a really good vibe.”

As for being away from her parents and home, Zoe said she felt it was sometimes very difficult, as, at night, it is extremely dark and you feel very far away from it all. But, at other times, she said, it is tremendously fun.

“It was really fun to disconnect from the outside world and focus on what’s in front of you,” she explained. “It’s just interesting to see how such a big group of kids can just disconnect from technology and focus more on social skills, responsibilities, and just on having a good time, without focusing on technology.”

Zoe and her family – mom Eilat Bakerman, dad David Friedman and younger sister Gaia, 9 – have been living in Toronto for the past 12 years, and are very involved in the local Jewish community. Bakerman heard about Shomria from friends and decided to send both Zoe and Gaia there.

“They thought it really helped to build kids’ character, and they support the values of what the camp aims for … about giving the power to the youth,” said Bakerman. “The camp is run by youth and they are leading other youth, a bit younger kids, in whatever they do. The only adults they have there are the operational staff – cooks, doctors, nurse, drivers, and so on. It highlights what you’d imagine a kibbutz life was like when it first started.”

According to Bakerman, one example of the unusual way in which the camp is run is how, when the kids first arrive at the camp, any money parents send with the kids is pooled together and everyone is given back an equal share. “Nobody feels they have more than others,” she said.

“When they go to Perth, which is the closest city,” said Bakerman, “everybody gets the same share of money – no matter how much they each may have brought into the camp – and that’s what they have for spending money.

“No matter if you came from a wealthy home, where you don’t need to do any chores, or not, at camp, in the morning, the kids decide what kind of chores they’ll do and everybody in the group does it,” she added. “Everybody is eating the same food. It’s about equality and giving the power to the youth.”

Bakerman also regularly sends her daughters to stay with family in Israel while she stays to work in Canada. The location of the sleepaway camp was not a deterrent.

“I think the kids are so engaged, it really doesn’t matter – the distance,” said Bakerman. “The distance is neither a barrier nor an excuse to come home or to call home. To me, it was about character and values…. The camp gave them independence and they have something to aspire to become. They’re really looking forward to next year.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

What is after death?

Theo Budd as CB, Eric Biskupski as Beethoven, Erika Babins as CB’s Sister and Ryan Nunez as Van in Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead, which runs June 8-11 at CBC Studio 700. (photo by Javier Sotres)

It would be interesting to know what Peanuts creator Charles M. Schultz would have thought of Bert V. Royal’s Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead, which premièred several years after Schultz passed away. Described as an “unauthorized parody” of the well-known cartoon strip, it seems more serious in its imagining of Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus and the rest of the gang as teenagers.

photo - Erika Babins plays CB’s Sister in Awkward Stage Productions’ presentation of Dog Sees God at CBC Studio 700, which opens June 9 — Erika Babins plays CB’s Sister in Awkward Stage Productions’ presentation of Dog Sees God at CBC Studio 700, which opens June 9. (photo from Awkward Stage)

Presented by Awkward Stage Productions next week, June 8-11, the show isn’t part of Awkward Stage’s regular season, said Jewish community member Erika Babins, who plays the character CB’s Sister. “This project sprung from a night of hanging out with friends and we were all lamenting the lack of opportunity to really sink our teeth into a meaty and relevant piece of theatre,” she explained. “I’m an artistic associate for Awkward Stage and I was chatting with artistic director Andy Toth, who more or less said, ‘This sounds like a show that Awkward Stage should be a part of.’ So, we’ve had the benefit of the support and connections that Awkward Stage has in the theatre community and as a not-for-profit, but we are producing it as a collective of emerging artists.”

The Wikipedia entry on the play goes into detail about the plot. In short, after CB (Charlie Brown) and his sister (Sally) hold a funeral for their dog (Snoopy), which degenerates into an argument, CB goes on a mission to determine what happens to us after we die. Among many other things, we find out that CB loves Beethoven (Schroeder) and they hook up, but Matt (Pig-Pen) can’t accept the relationship, so he harasses Beethoven, who eventually commits suicide. Also part of the story is that Van’s Sister (which would be Lucy, with Van being Linus) has been “institutionalized for setting the Little Red-Haired Girl’s hair on fire.”

“The only thing I would add,” said Babins about the Wiki synopsis, “is that the whole play is bookended within the context of CB writing a letter to his old pen pal.” The pen pal has the initials CS, referring to Schultz.

“The target audience for this play is anyone who is a teenager now or remembers being a teenager,” said Babins. “There is a lot of swearing and heavy subject matter so parental guidance is advised and it is probably not appropriate for elementary school-aged children.”

The promotional material for the Awkward Stage production notes, “Dog Sees God shines a light on homophobia, drug use, pedophilia, suicide, eating disorders, teen violence, rebellion, sex, mental illness and self-identity. And it’s funny!”

“I was taught at theatre school that comedy comes from the characters not realizing they’re doing something funny, and these characters definitely don’t know they’re being funny,” Babins said. “For them, everything that is happening to their group of friends is the worst thing ever but, for the audience, it’s an opportunity to look back and laugh at the dramatic highs and lows that are adolescence.”

photo - Theo Budd as CB and Erika Babins as CB's Sister — Theo Budd as CB and Erika Babins as CB’s Sister. *(photo by Javier Sotres)*

She describes her character as “a bit of an outcast herself. She’s younger than the other characters and, as such, is not included in their tight-knit group. She spends the course of the play drastically altering her persona in an attempt to figure out where she actually belongs. Without giving too much of the story away, she does find her way back to a close relationship with her brother, who she grew up admiring.”

Babins added, “One of CB’s big arcs in the play is trying to decide on what he thinks happens after you die, and each of his friends has a very different answer for him. Though none of the of the answers is expressly Jewish, it’s an interesting lens to look at how these teenagers interpret religion in a secular small town.”

Directed by Sarah Harrison, Dog Sees God previews at CBC Studio 700 on June 8, 8 p.m., and opens there June 9, 8 p.m., with performances June 10, 7 and 9:30 p.m., and June 11, 2 p.m. Tickets are $21, with $1 of every ticket sold going into the profit share for the cast and creative team (the preview is two-for-one). For tickets, visit dogseesgodvancouver.brownpapertickets.ca.

Don’t “helicopter parent”

King David High School students with Teaching for Tomorrow keynote speaker Julie Lythcott-Haims, who spoke on the topic How to Raise an Adult. (photo by Jocelyne Hallé)

Our kids are not bonsai trees that need to be clipped and sheared! That was the message Julie Lythcott-Haims delivered to a packed audience at Congregation Beth Israel in her May 17 talk, How to Raise an Adult.

The keynote speaker at King David High School’s Teaching for Tomorrow evening, Palo Alto, Calif.-based Lythcott-Haims was previously dean of freshmen at the University of Stanford for 10 years. There, she said, she saw a lot of “helicopter parenting.”

“My freshmen students seemed to be like drones in their own lives, driven by someone else and constantly tethered to home and parents by their phones, the world’s longest umbilical cord,” she reflected.

Lythcott-Haims described how parents would email asking for their children’s passwords so they could register them for classes, parents calling her “unhappy with the grade a professor gave their child” and parents wanting to know where their kids were at all times. “I would rail against this absurdity,” she said. “I’d give a speech to parents each year, telling them, ‘Trust your child, they have what it takes to thrive. Trust us at the university. And now, please leave!’”

A mother of teens herself, Lythcott-Haims realized that it’s impossible for parents to let go of their 18-year-old freshmen unless they started relinquishing their helicopter-parenting tendencies years earlier. “We love our children fiercely and we’re fearful about what the world has in store for them. But we make the mistake of thinking we must cloak them in our arms instead of preparing them to be strong out there. So, we end up being overprotective, over-directive and doing excessive handholding with our kids, being like a concierge in their lives. We treat our precious kids like bonsai trees – we plant them in a pot, but we won’t let them grow.”

Lythcott-Haims peppered her talk with anecdotes about her personal adventures parenting. She described her desire to give her kids independence and trying to balance that with the over-protectiveness of their friends’ parents. She and her husband chose a house in a particular neighbourhood, she admitted, because she wanted her kids in the “right” preschools and schools, so they would have better chances of getting into the “right” universities.

Along the way, she realized she was misguided. Her son did not tick the boxes required by the “right” universities. She saw that she was inadvertently pushing him so hard to succeed, she was losing him in the process, robbing him of happiness.

What’s at the root of this tendency to overparent? “Love and fear motivates our actions, but also ego,” Lythcott-Haims stated. “We fear being judged. Our measure of worth is saying what our kids are doing. We want to brag about them because it makes us feel we’ve succeeded as parents and in life.”

A hushed, sobered silence descended over the large synagogue auditorium as Lythcott-Haims delivered an emotional talk about her own parenting mistakes and what she learned.

“Our children are not investments, they’re humans and they deserve to know they’re loved – and not because they got a particular grade. For kids, their knees go unskinned if we catch them before they fall. When we hover over every bit of play, we get short-term wins, but the long-term cost is to their sense of self and their ability to self-advocate. They emerge chronologically as adults but they’re still kids inside.”

There are serious consequences to overparenting, she continued. “When we over-direct them and lift them to the outcomes we desire for them, it leads to higher rates of anxiety and depression. They emerge as university students who are failure-deprived and who want to have a parent tell them what to do, how to feel. Though they might look beautiful on paper, when something bad happens, they don’t have the internal sense of self that says, I’ll be OK.”

Lythcott-Haims’ message to parents was a warning to back off, particularly if they want their kids to enter the world as fierce warriors, “strong individuals who are loving of themselves and feel capable and able to keep going when things go wrong.”

Just before receiving a standing ovation, she said, “It takes humility to be a good parent. The ego has to come out of it.”

Lauren Kramer, an award-winning writer and editor, lives in Richmond. To read her work online, visit laurenkramer.net.

Ways to engage teens

Free Spirit Experience helps troubled teens “restart” their lives. (photo from freespiritexperience.org)

Adolescence is a time of transition and confusion and teens themselves often don’t understand what’s happening. They frequently send mixed messages and get angry when adults do the same. They want to be independent and strong, but they also need adults’ physical and emotional support. Navigating the turbulent landscape of the teenage experience can be equally challenging for teens and the adults in their lives.

photo - Dr. Tamir Rotman, founder of Free Spirit Experience — Dr. Tamir Rotman, founder of Free Spirit Experience. (photo from freespiritexperience.org)

Although it can be compelling to dismiss their experiences, making the effort to understand teens can have an enormous impact on their ability to channel their energy, passion and idealism. When teens are feeling confident, clear, safe and supported, they can accomplish incredible things.

Like any other effort to improve, consistency is key. With a little understanding, compassion and sensitive and intentional practices, you can improve your relationship and help your teen tap into their potential.

Dr. Tamir Rotman, clinical psychologist and founder of Free Spirit Experience, which helps troubled teens “restart” their lives, shares his advice on how to improve communication and connection with your teen.

Go with their flow. Pay attention to when they need you close by and when they want some distance. Give them choice to connect by saying, “I’ll be around if you need me.” This is a great way to be available without imposing on them.
Be an anchor of stability. Although they may fight you on it, for teens, stability is safety. Be predictable, in a good way, so they can rely on you when they need to.
Start young. If you want them to feel safe to talk to you, it’s important to start listening to them when they are young children. Be curious about the things that interest them and know enough about their interests to ask relevant questions. This effectively says, “I am interested in you, I care.” If it’s late in the game, you can still earn their trust, but you will have to show genuine and persistent interest for them to buy it and take you seriously.
Listen during a conflict. If you really listen and try to understand them, they will try to listen to you, too. Even when you’re sure you’ve heard it all already or that they are trying to rock the boat, stay curious. Genuinely ask them what happened to truly seek to understand where they are coming from.
Validate their feelings. It’s crucial to validate their feelings. It’s a very common mistake to start by giving advice or explaining yourself or the other person involved. However, that will only alienate your teen and make them feel more isolated. Always start by acknowledging their experience and their side. You can say, “It must be really difficult/sad/frustrating to…,” so they hear that you are interested in understanding them and they have a safe space to be heard.
Be proactive. Reach out to your teen when you see that they are struggling. Find a good time to say, “I see that you are having a tough time and I really want to help.” Don’t be afraid to be creative, ask for outside help, and use trial and error with your teen to find a solution.
Be patient. Trust yourself and be patient with the process. Even when your teen is acting stormy, just know that the turbulence reflects their thoughts. Do your best to have compassion for your teen and for yourself. Involve your teen in the process in whatever way possible. The best solutions come when change comes from a conscious choice.

Help your teen drive safely

New drivers need a lot of practice to gain enough experience and confidence to handle daily driving hazards and unexpected situations. (photo from bcaa.com)

According to research, teens value the opinions of their parents most of all (even if it doesn’t always seem like it). That’s why understanding the risks associated with driving and sharing your knowledge are so important during this process. Understanding the risks and facts will help you set rules, consistently enforce those rules and model responsible driving. Your actions make a significant difference.

The information below has been adapted from the American Automobile Association’s Guide to Teen Driver Safety – Keys2Drive, which provides parents an easy way to work with their teens through each step, from choosing a driver education program to deciding when they can drive on their own. There are three main learning-to-drive stages: before your teen starts driving, driving with supervision and driving on their own.

Before your teen starts driving, parents and teens should talk about using seat belts and set rules and consequences related to seat belt use. Establish a seat belt policy that applies to all situations, including buckling up as a driver or passenger, and having all passengers buckle up. It is important that seat belt use becomes so much a habit that it is automatic.
In crashes, seat belts help keep you and your passengers inside the vehicle where you are the safest. In crashes, seat belts keep you from hitting objects or other passengers inside the vehicle. Even if your car is equipped with airbags, seat belts are still needed to prevent serious injury in crashes. Drivers under age 21 are the least likely to wear seat belts and the most likely to crash.

Supervised driving is actually some of the safest driving your teen will do. By teaching under low-risk conditions and then gradually adding new roads and traffic conditions, you help your teen gain experience. Supervised driving will also help you decide when your teen is ready to drive on their own. Even though your teen might be old enough to get a licence, you decide when your teen is ready. Practise – different weather, traffic conditions and road types – use seat belts and make sure your teen knows that distracted driving can be fatal. According to ICBC, using cellphones and texting while driving is the second leading cause of car crash fatalities in British Columbia (81 per year), behind speeding (94) and just ahead of impaired driving (78).

Driver education and training can help your teen learn the rules of the road and how to drive safely. New drivers need a foundation of knowledge, skills and plans to reduce their risk behind the wheel. Quality driver education can help develop safe driving attitudes, hazard recognition, vehicle positioning and speed adjustment and visual search habits. Using a professional driver education school can be an effective way to provide your teen with the training needed. It can also help build your relationship with your teen. Some very skilled and safety-conscious parents may not have the time or temperament to be the best teacher.

Safe driving requires concentration, knowledge and judgment – much more than just being able to manoeuvre the vehicle. New drivers need a lot of practice to gain enough experience and confidence to handle daily driving hazards and unexpected situations. Teens will show the greatest improvement in the first 1,600 to 8,000 kilometres of driving. However, they will continue to show noticeable improvement for up to 32,000 kilometres.

First, teens need to become familiar with the vehicle, then to practise basic driving skills such as turning, parking and backing up. At first, practise away from traffic in low-speed areas like parking lots and neighborhood streets. In the beginning, always practise in daylight and good weather. Once you are sure your teen understands the basics, practise more complex skills such as changing lanes. As your teen’s skills increase, gradually add more complex and difficult situations such as larger roads, higher speed limits, heavier traffic and night driving. Always set goals prior to each driving lesson.

Only practise when you are both ready, are in good moods and have sufficient time. Practice sessions should be long enough to accomplish the goals, but short enough to avoid fatigue, loss of concentration and frustration. Practise as often as possible so that your teen can accumulate driving skills.

Driving on their own – the AAA has created a template for a parent-teen driving agreement with the goal of reducing the risks. It is comprised of checkpoints. Discuss and assign unsupervised driving privileges for each stage, with the privileges increasing with each checkpoint; for example, initially, your teen can only drive to 9 p.m. with no teen passengers and only in dry weather on neighborhood roads, but, by Checkpoint 4, they have few, if any restrictions. Decide how long each checkpoint’s privileges should remain in effect and, based on the length of time on which you agree, write in the date to review your teen’s progress. Discuss each rule, what might comprise a violation of that rule and the consequences of a violation, including the loss of driving privileges. On the review date, consider moving to the next checkpoint if your teen passes the “quick check”:

• Have enough supervised driving practice?

• Advance in driving skills and judgment?

• Obey traffic laws? (never use alcohol or other drugs and drive, never ride with a person who is driving after using alcohol or other drugs, never ride in a car where any alcohol or drug use is occurring, always wear your seat belt at all times as a driver or passenger, always have every passenger wear a seat belt, do not drive aggressively – e.g., speeding, tailgating or cutting others off)

• Take no unnecessary risks? (no playing around with passengers, messing around with the radio, talking on a cellphone, etc.; do not drive when overly tired, angry or upset; do not put yourself or others at increased risk by making unnecessary trips in adverse weather)

• “Check in” with parent before each driving event? (examples include a teen telling their parent where they are going, who their passengers will be, calling if they are going to be more than 30 minutes late or if their plans change, and calling if they cannot get home safely because of weather conditions, alcohol use or other reasons so a parent can arrange a safe ride)

• Rarely lose driving privileges?

If your teen’s progress is not satisfactory, set another review date for the current checkpoint. If your teen’s progress is satisfactory, move to the next checkpoint and decide on a review date. Continue until you have completed all the checkpoints.
Distracted drivers are dangerous drivers, and teenage drivers are more easily distracted than older drivers. Also, because of their inexperience, they don’t react as well when they suddenly perceive a danger. Every day, car crashes end more teen lives than cancer, homicide and suicide combined, and many of these teens are killed as passengers of other teen drivers. Based on kilometres driven, teens are involved in three times as many fatal crashes as all other drivers.

As a parent, you can help reduce the risks to your teen. You can set clear expectations and rules about safe driving and minimizing distractions – and you can model safe and respectful driving, including making family rules by which everyone abides.