parenting – Page 5

Helicopter parent’s confession

A couple years ago, I sat smugly through a lecture on helicopter parenting, feeling fully confident that nothing spoken during that time applied to me. Who were these overly involved parents who just couldn’t let go, even once their kids had left for college? They were nothing like me, I thought. I’d been an early advocate of children’s independence in my community, encouraging my kids to navigate Vancouver’s public transit alone at the age of 12. My 9-year-old daughter walks around Steveston Village with her best friend and my 15-year-old girls have flown to the United States on their own. I thought I had the helicopter mom in me under control – until my son left for college.

That’s when my over-protective mama-bear instincts kicked into gear, where they remain on high alert. How do you protect your child when they’re so far from home? And where is the line between supportive help and concern, and running your child’s life instead of allowing them to live it on their own? These days, I ponder these questions a great deal, my stomach churning with anxiety as I contemplate all the unseen dangers my son could encounter in the absence of his mother’s watchful eyes and words of cautious advice.

Yesterday, a phone call. “Mom, the craziest thing happened as I was walking to school this morning,” he declared. “I was crossing the road at the traffic lights when a hard tug on my backpack pulled me backwards. I stepped back just as a car ran a red light, flying past inches away from me. I was so close to being hit!”

The vision torments me as I write this, my child so close to life-threatening danger. I worry now about more cars hurtling at breakneck speed on those icy roads that separate his dorm room from his lecture halls. About his reading break, when he’ll be a passenger on the icy 401, his safety at the mercy of drivers I’ve never met. About his plans to go ice fishing in the Muskokas – what if the ice breaks?

This precious, precious child of mine is so excited to experience the world in all its beauty, to challenge his personal limits and dive deep into the friendships and opportunities that surround him. I want all this for him, of course. He is growing, thriving and learning with every turn in this journey far from home. Yet I cannot stop the worry for his vulnerability, nor the fear of “what if?” that pesters my mind incessantly. If that’s the whirring of helicopter parenting, then I’m guilty as sin.

As parents, it’s not always easy to know when to step back and when to be actively involved, particularly when our children head off to college. It’s natural for us to want to protect our kids, said Julie Lythcott-Haims, who published the book How to Raise an Adult after witnessing years of helicopter parenting when she was dean of freshmen at Stanford University. “We love our children fiercely and we’re fearful about what the world has in store for them. But we make the mistake of … being like a concierge in their lives.” (See jewishindependent.ca/ dont-helicopter-parent.)

If I’m a concierge in my kids’ life, let it be known I’m a darn good one. Case in point: my son recently signed a lease on an apartment with a friend-who-turned-out-not-to-be-a-friend, and needed to get out fast. The management company delivered a virtual shrug when he asked for his money back. “We’re not in a position to do refunds,” they told my 18-year-old. At that age, you don’t necessarily know how to respond to a statement like that. But, when you’re 46, you do. You call the company’s chief financial officer and let them know in no uncertain terms that a refund needs to be forthcoming. Posthaste. Voila, the cheque arrived.

I canvassed a mom’s group to ask for their definitions of helicopter parenting, hoping they might help identify the line between caring, support and over-involvement in the lives of college-age kids. You might be a helicopter parent, they suggested, if:

You know your kids’ passwords so you can register them on time for courses.
You have been known to call your kids’ instructor/professor, suggest they graded an essay, test or exam unfairly and insist that they reconsider the grade.
You proofread and edit your kids’ college essays because you want them to get the best results possible.
You feel compelled to step in and prevent your kids from making mistakes.

I suspect we all want to shelter our children from making awful, life-changing mistakes, so we try to gently guide them around the sharp curves of young adulthood, intervening perhaps too often in our efforts to break their fall. There is deep love in this act, a love that stretches way back to their infancy and embeds us with the certainty that our children are our richest legacies, irreplaceable treasures we want and need to hold close. There will be times when we teeter on the line of over-protectiveness, when the whirring sounds of helicopter parenting will be obvious to those around us. But the best we can do is walk the line, treading with the utmost care. Trust me, it’s much harder than it sounds.

Lauren Kramer, an award-winning writer and editor, lives in Richmond. To read her work online, visit laurenkramer.net.

PJ Library extends program

Florencia Katz and family. (photo from Florencia Katz)

PJ Library, which provides Jewish children with free Jewish-themed books and CDs, has expanded its program and now serves readers up to 11 years old.

Available in Jewish communities across North America, PJ Library is supported by local Jewish federations and many other donors. In Winnipeg, the program is in its 10th year, and Florencia Katz has been coordinating it since 2011. As a mom of two, she has experienced firsthand the impact the books have on her kids.

Eventually, Katz’s children aged out of the PJ Library program, which is for kids ages 6 months to 8 years old. But now, with the new program, PJ Our Way, Katz’s younger child, Tali, can once again enjoy the perks of PJ.

“PJ Our Way is the next chapter of PJ Library, for kids ages 9 to 11,” explained Katz. “Kids throughout the United States and Canada are eligible to enrol in the program from the day they turn eight-and-a-half until the day before their 12th birthday.

“The Harold Grinspoon Foundation, with the generous support of PJ Alliance Partners, provides PJ Our Way subscriptions at no cost to families or partner communities.”

PJ Our Way is considered the next chapter of PJ Library because it follows the same goals of the original program: engaging families and children in Jewish values, content and, ultimately, community.

PJ Our Way offers tweens the possibility of engaging online – allowing them to choose their own book, write book reviews, blog and more.

“My children and family have enjoyed the PJ Library program for years and, as avid readers, my kids were quite sad to stop receiving books at home once they aged out from PJ Library,” said Katz.

“My daughter, Tali, currently 10-and-a-half, was over the moon when I told her that she can now sign up to PJ Our Way. On the morning of the launch of PJ Our Way in Canada, before going to school, we signed up as one of the first sign-ups in Winnipeg, and maybe all Canada.

“As a parent, I am excited that, through this amazing program, my daughter will have the opportunity to keep reading quality Jewish-themed literature. The possibility that this program offers to engage online to choose the book, watch and read reviews, and submit their own reviews makes [it] attractive and exciting for this demographic.”

Tali was excited to pick her first book and spent some time on the PJ Our Way website, reading reviews and the synopses of all the available books, before choosing.

After narrowing her choice down to two books, she asked her mom for help deciding which to pick. After reading each book summary herself, Katz went to the parent section of the site to read more about the Jewish concepts and values and about the positive role models featured in each book. This helped her suggest which book her daughter might enjoy the most.

“Besides the synopsis and the concepts and values section provided for parents, there is also a section called Talk it Over, which suggests a question to discuss with your child after reading the book,” said Katz.

“I will definitely check all the information out and make a point of including it into our conversation about the book if it comes up. I will also suggest to my child to write a review of the book after she is done, so other kids can read it, the same as she read reviews when she picked the book. I want this experience to be enjoyable and fun, so I will not put any pressure or make it feel like a school task.”

Katz said the more Tali reads and learns about Jewish culture and tradition, the better equipped she will be to make her own decisions on how to live her Judaism when she grows up.

Candice Tenenbein, another parent who is part of the Winnipeg PJ Library initiative, is also very excited to have her older son, Jacob, 9, be part of PJ Our Way.

“Every month, our boys eagerly await their newest PJ Library arrivals,” said Tenenbein. “Both of our boys are avid readers. Recently, we were becoming sad that our older son, Jacob, was graduating out of this program. When we heard from Katz that PJ Our Way is now available in Winnipeg, we immediately signed up! We love that the books are exciting and fun to read, and that they all have a Jewish connection.

photo - Candice Tenenbein and family — Candice Tenenbein and family. *(photo from Candice Tenenbein)*

“In our home, we celebrate Shabbat and all the Jewish holidays. These books and the online portion will add more layers to raising our children to be more knowledgeable about, and proud of, their Jewish heritage.”

Tenenbein is also looking forward to her sons spending time on their iPads in a more educational and productive manner, instead of just watching videos. PJ Our Way offers a safe and protected online environment.

At the Tenenbein house, all family members read the books provided by PJ Library, as they love to discuss their favourite parts of each one and share their thoughts of how the books impacted them.

“Jacob is especially excited that his friends will also be joining PJ Our Way,” said Tenenbein. “The kids are planning to choose the same books each month, so they can have their own book club.

“Growing up, my mother, may she rest in peace, instilled in us a love of reading and a pride in our Jewish heritage. Now, as a mother myself, I understand how truly important opportunities are which provide for our kids to understand what the religion means to them and their daily lives.

“This is especially important in today’s environment, where antisemitism and its newer anti-Israel BDS face are becoming more prevalent. My husband and I are grateful for the excellent education our children receive at Gray Academy [in Winnipeg]. PJ Library and PJ Our Way are excellent supplements for helping foster and strengthen these feelings in our children.”

Jacob is also excited about going online and becoming part of a larger community of Jewish peers. He is looking forward to being able to share his thoughts about each book and read what others have to say.

“He cannot wait to begin blogging once he reads his latest PJ Our Way book!” said Tenenbein.

These days, getting paper mail is not common, so PJ kids receiving a free gift in the mail, addressed just to them, is a unique and individual part of the experience. The online aspect then allows them to connect with other Jewish kids who are reading the same books as them. For more information, visit pjourway.org.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Children are also stressed out

The most important thing as a parent is to be able to identify when your child is stressed. (photo from Psychology Foundation of Manitoba)

Despite the numerous technological advances we have achieved to make our lives easier, we are more stressed than ever. Even children are affected.

American psychologist Dr. Robin Alter moved to Toronto in 1980 to work at the city’s mental health centres. Her focus is on children’s health and, over her 36-year career, she has helped treat more than 10,000 families.

“If you’re just in private practice, you don’t get to do that…. You can’t see that many people,” Alter told the Independent. “So, I started thinking that I really need to start writing down what I’ve learned from this incredible experience and try to give it back.

“A lot of the things I was learning on the ground, in those face-to-face meetings, were things I couldn’t read about. It was not written in the studies I was reading. My experience, and what works for people or doesn’t, is different than what was written in books or journals.”

In addition to numerous articles, many of which can be found on her website (docrobin.com), Alter is the author of the book Anxiety and the Gift of Imagination and The Anxiety Workbook for Kids.

When she was in university, Alter’s teacher, Judy Levy, helped steer her toward working with children.

“I loved talking with them and finding ways they could express themselves so we could understand what they were feeling and why they were behaving the way they were,” said Alter. “Then, I came to Canada. I walked into these children’s mental health centres and looked around and I found all these people who shared the same mission as me…. I was ecstatic, realizing that I’m not doing this by myself. I’m doing this with an army of people who are passionate, who are inspired to dedicate their lives and energy to helping children and families.”

When the system switched to providing such care in a hospital setting, Alter opted to work from the outside, to educate people about how changes in society are affecting kids.

According to Alter, the effects of stress start at infancy for many kids, as they are thrust into a daycare environment for eight to 10 hours a day.

“That’s very hard for kids if you think about it,” she said. “When you’re with your family, you can let your hair down, right? You can be yourself, be relaxed. You’re protected, cared for, special. When you’re in a large group of other kids – even if it’s a good place – they have a number of kids to look after … there is always stress involved, some kids who want the toy you want to play with.

“You don’t have the skills yet to figure out a compromise, so you’re just fighting over the toy or feeling left out. Everybody seems to be playing with somebody and you don’t have anybody to play with. And, you know, there’s not always going to be an adult who notices that you’re under stress.

“The children leave their home early in the morning, spend all day in a competitive environment, and [are] picked up at the end of the day just to have dinner, a bath and go to bed…. Going to bed, too, is stress-inducing for all of us, but especially for kids. And we wonder why they are having trouble keeping up.

“I think there’s an epidemic of sleep deprivation,” she added. “Kids really don’t know how to unwind at night, how to take their worries and put them aside. I know most parents have a fairly good bedtime routine, where they read to their kids and turn out the lights, but I think it can be improved. Kids need to learn how to turn off their minds and put the day to rest.”

Alter has conducted nearly 6,000 psychological assessments and continues to do more. For this, there is a form that parents fill out – in 90% of these assessments, parents identify problems with sleep.

According to Alter, Vancouver’s Dr. Gabor Maté, an expert on child development, believes that many kids who are identified as ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) are really just sleep deprived and misdiagnosed. And, if they get diagnosed as having ADHD, they will likely get medication – medication that causes sleep deprivation, further intensifying the problem.

The most important thing as a parent, said Alter, is to be able to identify when your child is stressed. The key to doing this is paying attention mainly to what is not being said. “Look for the cues,” she said. “Kids have a different response, but, usually, it’s a change in behaviour. They stop and, sometimes, their eyes get wider. We can do things to alleviate that stress, explain things to them. For example, the other night, at dinner, I drank a little bit of water, and then I was talking to Lewis [her 2-year-old grandson] and he turned to me and said, ‘Baba, you just spit at me!’

“He looked horrified at that. Why would his grandmother spit at him? Something he’s learned in daycare is that you don’t spit. He looked like I had just done this horrible thing. We explained to him that I didn’t spit at him, that it was water that came off my lips and that I’d never spit at him. Then he became unstressed.

“So, sometimes, just explaining what’s going on; giving the kid a good explanation can alleviate the stress. Those are minimal stresses. But, sometimes, there are big stressors going on.”

While stress can be overwhelming, it is important to remember that we don’t want to completely eliminate it. “Stress is our passport, or what we need to have an interesting life,” said Alter.

We have to learn that stress is a part of life and that we need to learn ways to de-stress. This is a main focus of the Psychology Foundation of Canada program Kids Have Stress Too, for kids 3 to 5 years old.

One of the strengths of the program is that it relays that stress is normal, everybody gets stressed. “And, you know, you can identify it in other kids,” said Alter. “When other kids are stressed, you can identify it in yourself and you can help yourself to feel better…. You can learn how to come back, bounce back from stress.

“I was at a session, my own personal professional session with a mother. She was very stressed by her daughter, who was 5 years old and had been diagnosed with epilepsy. The mother was very stressed by the diagnosis and the symptoms. The kids were in the room.

“The 5-year-old heard her mother talking about how stressed she was – and the kid had actually been through the Psychology Foundation program Kids Have Stress Too. Her ears perked up at the word ‘stress’ and she said, ‘Mom, I know what to do when you get stressed.’ The mother said, ‘You do?’ And the kid said, ‘You sing a song.’ She had a song she learned in the program and she sang it to her mother, and it was very cute and helpful, and the mother laughed. Laughter is a good way to alleviate stress.

“Another good way of helping kids alleviate stress is to encourage them to be helpful to others. When we are kind to others, when we reach out and give people food, and share – all those things alleviate our stress.”

The Kids Have Stress Too program teaches children to be aware of when they are stressed. Some kids feel nausea or a rush, as if an alarm system is going off in their body. Some kids feel it in their tummies. Others feel it in their heads. Once they learn what these feelings mean, it normalizes it and then it is not so scary. So, they are able to take care of themselves and sometimes take care of others.

“If you see other kids going through the program, someone stressed, they sometimes put their arm around them and say, ‘It’s OK. Everything’s alright, so let’s go play, let’s go do something fun,’” said Alter. “And that’s what it’s all about.

“There are wonderful little techniques,” she said. “The one I like most is the cloud push. You stand up and put your hands up and push the clouds away, like you’re pushing all the stress away. You’re getting rid of all the things you don’t want. Push them into the sky. Let them fly away.”

Alter shared a story about visiting a junior kindergarten class, where she read the kids a book about animals having a bad day and getting stressed. She was taken aback by the responses she got from the 4-year-olds when she asked them if they had ever had a bad day.

“I turned to them and said, ‘Well, the orangutan is having a bad day. Have you ever felt that way?’ And, I look up to see this whole sea of faces, all shaking their heads as hard as they can, saying, ‘No. No. Never!’ And, I was shocked. I realized that, even at this age, the peer pressure of how we’re not supposed to feel that way, not supposed to admit to others that we feel bad, was already instilled so early.

“Then, they went to little tables independently. We gave them crayons and paper, and each one of them drew these amazing pictures of things in their life that stress them out. One kid drew a picture of his mom having cancer and going to the hospital. Another kid drew a picture of his father leaving the family. And, I realized that they got the message, what I was reading about. They were not going to admit it in the group, but they were very eager to talk about it individually.

“We need to help kids realize that they are not alone with these problems or feelings,” said Alter. “That’s one of the biggest strengths of the program – an adult can help kids, too, by talking about their stresses.”

Parents need to be sharing their feelings with their kids, and then showing them how we move past them, she said.

“Kids don’t so much listen to what we say as much as what we do,” said Alter. “Kids are more doers. And so, for example, getting them out to the yard and doing exercise – throwing a ball around or something – is a good way to alleviate stress.

“Many kids stop talking because we use words they don’t understand, and they just don’t understand what we’re talking about. But, they understand action and behaviour. So, doing things with them and encouraging them to do things is a lot more helpful. Also, laughing is a way to alleviate stress. So, telling a joke, being silly, or just letting … stress out that way is great.

“Kids need to know that when they are out there in the ‘jungle’ of school that their parents are behind them and that they are not alone in whatever is going on,” she said. “Our daughter had a lot of trouble in grades 4 to 6 – bullying, mistreating stuff. Every night, we’d strategize what she could do, have long conversations. None of them worked. She’d say, ‘I tried that. It didn’t work.’ She knew that we were behind her, that she wasn’t alone. She had a team who understood how difficult the situation was. I think all those things help.”

For more information on the Kids Have Stress Too program and more, visit psychologyfoundation.org.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Community milestones … new parents program and new CIJA co-chairs

Supporting new parents

The birth of a baby is a milestone and the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver acknowledges that this life-changing event requires validation and support for new parents. Judaism offers profound teachings about becoming a parent and raising a family.

The JCCGV’s new Shalom Baby group is a free program for parents and infants 0-18 months. The group provides a place to learn and grow, connect with other parents, share experiences and hear professional speakers address relevant subjects, such as feeding, sleeping, play, development, transition to motherhood and more. Becoming a parent can be overwhelming, and this program provides respite in a warm environment in which parents are nurtured, so they can nurture their babies, and help build strong and healthy family units in our community.

All of the meetings feature guest speakers. Speakers are community professionals, such as nurses, researchers, doulas, psychologists and speech and language specialists. And the group is always looking for accredited experts to contribute.

Shalom Baby meets twice a month on Mondays at 11:30 a.m. at the community centre in Room 102. The group is led and organized by a Shirly Berelowitz, JCCGV director of children, youth and camps, who welcomes the participants, books the speakers and sends weekly emails on upcoming programs.

The goals of the program are to strengthen emotional bonds between parents and children; inspire a shared learning experience to support growth and development during the early childhood years; provide support services and activities for families to raise healthy and happy children; and connect unaffiliated Jewish families with young children to the Jewish community through different programs.

For more information and to register, visit jccgv.com/early-childhood.

Appointments

The Centre for Israel and Jewish Affairs (CIJA) has appointed new members to its board of directors, including board co-chairs Joel Reitman and Jeffrey Rosenthal, succeeding David J. Cape.

Nominations to the CIJA board are guided by an independent nominating process, which examines the background, skills, experience and other relevant qualifications of prospective directors. A list of candidates is produced through consultations with federations and other stakeholders across the country. The independent nominations committee – comprised of federation representatives and ad personam members – consider all of the candidates and recommend a slate of directors to the CIJA membership (the “shareholders” of the organization). Special attention is given to achieving balance with respect to regional, gender and demographic attributes, as well as the qualities that candidates can leverage to advance the mission of the organization.

Reitman is the founder and president of Jillcy Capital ULC, a global investment firm, and is an active volunteer in the Jewish community and beyond, serving various organizations over the years in different capacities. Rosenthal is a managing partner of Imperial Capital Group, which he co-founded in 1989, and has a long history of volunteering and experience on boards of other organizations.

Limiting screen time is vital

Video Interaction Project coach Jenny Arevalo in action. (photo by Andy Reichsman/Ames Hill Productions)

With the ever-increasing number and variety of screens and gadgets grabbing our attention, pediatricians are asking us to take a step back. Some are even leading a counter-movement, warning parents and caregivers of the harm these technologies are inflicting on children.

Dr. Alan Mendelsohn, a general and developmental behavioural pediatrician, is an associate professor of pediatrics and population health at New York University’s School of Medicine and Bellevue Hospital Centre.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics published a statement designed to help pediatricians and parents think about toys for their children, in an era where toys have really evolved,” Mendelsohn told the Independent. “A very significant concern is that toys with bells and whistles, so to speak – with electronic gadgetry on the one hand or apps designed to engage children on the other – are likely to have very limited, if any, benefit to very young children.”

Mendelsohn has been working to use the pediatric primary care centre to support parenting activities most likely to help children’s development and school readiness. This has led to other programs, like Reach and Read and the Video Interaction Project, both of which teach parents the importance of reading and playing with their kids.

“We still have the same kinds of toys we’ve had in the past – simple, pretend kinds of toys,” said Mendelsohn. “But, at the same time, digital toys have become a high level of focus and priorities for many families. And, that’s in part as a result of the extensive messaging taking place about how electronics can be so important for children, and how apps and computers are going to help children learn.”

photo - Dr. Alan Mendelsohn — Dr. Alan Mendelsohn *(photo courtesy Alan Mendelsohn)*

According to Mendelsohn, there is limited or possibly even no good scientific evidence that screens can be beneficial for children under the age of 2 – with the possible exception of video chats in which the screen is functioning as an opportunity for interaction with family members that otherwise would not take place.

At the same time, he said, there is extensive data documenting that electronic add-ons, and screens more broadly, have a great deal of potential for harm.

“This is true for children of all ages, but it’s especially true for very young infants, toddlers and children who have not entered school yet … for whom that screen time … not only can lead to developmental challenges … but it can actually interfere with play and with parents being able to engage together with their children in the kind of rich, language-based interaction that advances children’s development,” said Mendelsohn.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under 2 have no screen time, other than the aforementioned video chats. For children 2 and older, they recommend limiting screen time to one hour or less, and having that screen time be high-quality, i.e. educational, programming.

“This limited screen time should be used as an opportunity for interacting, rather than viewing it as an opportunity for babysitting, which is how it’s often used and viewed by parents,” said Mendelsohn.

“Parents using screen time as a distracter is not necessarily a bad thing…. The academy recognizes, and I think the pediatric community recognizes, just how hard it is to be a parent, especially of a young child. Parents spend the day working and come home to chores, housework and all kinds of things. Obviously, screen time can be very helpful to parents in that way. But, it’s important that parents realize the potential for harm to their children – recognize that screen time is unlikely to be beneficial for their children.”

Mendelsohn recommends that parents find opportunities to play with their kids and read books with them, as these activities are likely to improve their child’s development and help create a positive parent-child bond.

“The important thing here is that excessive screen time, regardless of age, has the potential to lead to problems and challenges for children by interfering with their capacity to pay attention once they start school, as well as by causing challenges with their capacity to regulate their own behaviour and learn in school,” said Mendelsohn.

Schools are using more and more screens and technology, and Mendelsohn doesn’t condemn the use of screens and technology in an educational, monitored setting. Rather, monitored use should extend into the home.

“Parents face a great deal of challenges as they seek to do that,” he said. “The important thing is for parents to be aware and to work, particularly as their children get older, to monitor their children’s screen time and to interact with their children when screen time is taking place, especially higher quality kinds of programming.

“Equally important is for parents look for opportunities to turn the screen off … to have those opportunities every day, whether through reading books together or playing together – always aiming to have quality time.”

Electronic games are not all created equal and those that are engaging and interactive, that foster playing with others – qualities many board games possess – are likely not harmful and might even be good.

“There are not clear answers,” said Mendelsohn. “But, what is clear is that screen time can be overwhelming in time, and that parents have difficulty limiting it. Limiting and monitoring it is the key to having screen time be one of many components of a child’s life as she or he grows into school age versus becoming the most prominent part of the child’s life.”

Mendelsohn suggested that parents ask their pediatricians for advice.

“Pediatricians are there as a resource for parents,” he said. “Parents should raise these issues with their pediatricians, and they’ll enjoy the conversations and guidance they receive.”

Rebeca Kuropatwais a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Sorting out playground fights

If you’ve got grade school-aged children, chances are they come home recounting fights on the playground and in their classrooms. Sometimes, it involves them, and other times, they are bystanders. There are kids who are hitting, name calling, mimicking and punching each other. The chasing and hurting seems to come out of the blue, or sometimes it has been expected and dreaded for way too long. People can be cruel to one another.

It might not come as a surprise that moms talk to each other about their children but, in the last couple of weeks, I’ve probably talked to four parents who have mentioned their worry or concerns. While it’s possible for some to pile on stereotypes about Jewish mothers, if you ignore all the nonsense, the underlying theme is simple for all parents. We’re trying to raise good, kind people and that’s why we devote so much effort and concern to it. We want healthy, happy children, and wonder how to keep them from killing each other.

Unfortunately, turning to traditional texts doesn’t always offer us solace. We’re not reading about happy families all the time when we read the weekly Torah portion – and, often, the rabbis’ commentary doesn’t soften the harsh responses in Genesis. For instance, when you read the stories about Joseph and his brothers, well, they were brutal to one another.

Joseph is his father’s favourite, and it’s no secret. Joseph doesn’t help matters – he tattles on his older brothers (Genesis 27:2). His dad makes him fancy clothing, too, so it is obvious he is getting preferential treatment.

Joseph’s brothers strip him of his clothes and throw him in a pit and, if that’s not bad enough, they sell him as a slave. Even Reuben, who hopes to fix things, cannot stop his brothers when they are dead-set on doing harm.

Of course, many commentators rush to point out how forgiving Joseph is and that, later, as a powerful man in Egypt, he saves his whole family in a time of famine. Yet Joseph misleads his brothers about who he is; he kidnaps his brothers. Well, the summary is that this is a complex story with difficult characters. It can be hard to figure out who is in the right here, and if anyone behaves well, after all.

Zooming back to the playground, there are some startling comparisons. When the kids race up and start telling the parents that this kid hit that one, this kid is bad, etc., it can be hard to untangle the story. Often, too, the kid who throws the first punch didn’t do it out of the blue. If you provoke someone enough, particularly a kid who hasn’t quite mastered self-control, someone’s probably going to fight back.

There are a few conclusions I can make in comparing this important biblical narrative with a parent’s everyday one. First, it’s complicated. It is way too simplistic to think that one child is a perfect blameless angel and the other the nasty bad person. This isn’t how relationships and people work.

Second, untangling the story can take awhile. It’s important to learn everybody’s point of view before deciding what actually happened. Sometimes, it’s crucial not to just trust those in authority to be omnipotent and sort things out. An example? I got an official report home one day that one of my kids punched another kid. (We were really upset with him.) Days later, I found out from another child that the reason why mine acted out was because other kids were copying my kid, making fun of him and pretending to be him in an unkind way, behind his back. While I might not condone punching somebody in the nose, I sometimes can understand how it might happen if I hear the details of what exactly transpired.

Third, making peace is a multi-step process. The wronged party may need to work through a few things before the situation can be resolved. This takes time and fair judgments like Solomon’s. It can feel beyond a parent’s capabilities!

Finally, when following the story of Joseph and his brothers, we learn that they worked it out. Joseph helps feed his family and saves them – but it’s not a narrative of instant forgiveness and affection. Jealousy, unequal treatment and violence? It’s all in there.

Sometimes the complicated family dramas of Genesis demonstrate that even tangled and dangerous altercations can be resolved. It’s a reminder that everyone – kids, too – can get over their intrigue, fights and disagreements and forgive one another. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget everything about the complicated characters who are our friends, relatives and classmates. It might mean that, while we can’t change the past, we can get beyond it to build better future experiences together.

While I mulled this over, my husband pointed out something further. When we must rely on our families or our (smaller) Jewish communities, we must work together on many crucial issues of survival. We can’t change the past interactions or bad behaviours that may have taken place in a family or congregation. We can’t go back in time to repair or undo those wrongs, but we can drop the rancour to work together towards shared future goals. Joseph – and those playground reconciliations – show us that history is just history, not destiny.

Joanne Seiff writes regularly for CBC Manitoba and various Jewish publications. She is the author of three books, including From the Outside In: Jewish Post Columns 2015-2016, a collection of essays available for digital download or as a paperback from Amazon. See more about her at joanneseiff.blogspot.com.

Torah ’n’ This Old House

(thisoldhouse.com)

My kids have developed a fascination with the PBS TV show This Old House. They love watching how old houses are fixed, restored and cared for by these talented workmen. I have always liked this show, too, and, as it goes, this is a pretty safe way to share “adult” TV programming with 7-year-olds.

Over Thanksgiving, one of my boys decided that we should all sit on the couch. Mommy would help one boy with his knitting and the other with his crochet and we would watch this show. Well? It would be a great weekend. (This kid also suggested we eat potatoes, noodles and rice for dinner, thus creating the ultimate “couch potato” scenario!)

While this may just be a funny episode in our family life, it’s a good reminder that we’re all quirky folk. My family might be different but, in reading the weekly Torah portions from Simchat Torah onwards in Genesis, we learn that, historically, the Jewish people originate from interesting stock. So, if we look to our ancestors (way, way back) to inform our understanding of ourselves, that might be a good thing.

There’s plenty of negativity in Genesis (Bereishit) in terms of how people behave towards one another. It’s a reminder, without giving a list of every kind of licentious or bad behaviour, that we have the capacity to do each other great harm. There are murders and sexual assaults. There are also people held up as role models, despite their flaws.

There are Abraham and Sarah, who welcome in guests, make them bread and offer them hospitality, and then Sarah demonstrates that having a sense of humour goes a long way. When told she would give birth to Isaac as an old woman, she laughs. This was a great response in many ways – she has a healthy sense of both humour and skepticism about the world.

There’s Rebecca, who offers (more) hospitality to Abraham’s servant. Isaac is so respectful of his father that he follows him up Mount Moriah to do a sacrifice – even when it seems clear that he will be killed.

Genesis offers one story after another. Each one deserves examination. However, when doing a quick reading through several of these episodes, I saw how different the characters are from one another. Some individuals struggle with what they learn from G-d, and some are believers. Others, like the people of Sodom and Gomorrah, are deemed irretrievably flawed, but Lot’s wife, who is initially saved, is too curious or doubtful, and turns to salt anyway.

I pondered some of this as we watched the guys from This Old House go to Texas to help after Hurricane Harvey hit Houston. We described the terrible flooding from hurricanes and boat rescues to our kids in ways they would understand, so we talked about Noah and the ark. On another episode, we learned that one of the young apprentices on the show had passed away in his sleep, from a longtime medical condition. He was age 18. So we paused the TV show. We talked about how he worked hard and did a good job, and his family and the people he worked with – all loved him. That his death was a shock and very sad, but that we believe, as Jewish people, that when a person’s body is buried, his soul goes up to be with G-d.

There is no perfect way to talk about life-threatening storms or untimely death. Though we try to shield our kids from the hardest things in the news, truth be told, the gentle teaching of the craftsmen and parents on This Old House was just right for my kids to understand. Between very basic Torah stories and real-life events, we had a lot of help in talking about these hard issues.

Even as an adult, sorting through the stories in Genesis seems daunting, just as coping with the news has been. My husband and I have both lived in places where we’ve experienced tornadoes and hurricanes. I wish I could spare others the experience of waiting in the cellar until the storm passes. However, I’ve been struck by the commonalities I’ve seen between our weekly Torah portions and these challenges.

It’s important, when facing adversity, to offer generous hospitality and kindness to those around you.
It’s good to give respect to your elders and those who might be able to lead you through hard experiences.
Being a resourceful “maker,” someone who builds or creates what he or she needs during an emergency, can save a life or bring forth life.
A sense of humour can help us through really difficult challenges.

People who suffer through losing everything during life-threatening situations like hurricanes and tornadoes are just like everyone else. They’re individuals, who may be quirky or kind, who do good and bad things. It can be hard to relate to their situation and remember that beyond all our differences and preferences, they are just like you and me.

We read Genesis every year at synagogue. We revisit these ancestors and remember how they persevered through difficult experiences. It’s a chance to imagine yourself not just as Abraham or Isaac, but as Hagar, abandoned with an infant, or Keturah, a second wife. We can be Noah’s family in the flood, just as many hurricane survivors might have felt.

Religious traditions interpret these biblical stories in different ways, but in watching This Old House, we see people rebuild homes after a hurricane, and how they offer each other food, water, tools and other necessities. This reminds me that some lessons are the same for everybody. Hospitality, kindness, respect, resourcefulness and a good sense of humour – whether you learn them from Genesis or from fix-it shows on TV, they help bring us together in positive ways.

The draft: a dad reflects

February 2015

Collected the mail this morning. A few flyers and bills. And my son’s draft notice. A quick double take. A flashback to my son playing with plastic dinosaurs. Then I texted my wife, “It’s here.”

A few hours later, my son came home. “How was school? There’s a letter for you on the table.” Opening it, and with a surprising degree of nonchalance, he said, “My call-up.” As if going into the army was an ordinary occurrence. “Ah, yeah. It’s here.”

A few days later, I asked D if I could post a picture of his call-up on Facebook. “Dad, you can’t post this stuff. It’s, like, confidential.” Duh. Of course.

May 2015

Picked my son up from Jerusalem. He was there for a series of pre-army tests. He couldn’t stop talking about the cute chayelet (army girls). Teenagers!

October 2015-January 2016

D interviewed for various roles in different divisions. None of interest. He wants something air force-specific. My wife and I helped him with a letter to the IAF manpower division. Emphasized

his aircraft knowledge. His love of plane simulators. (How many times did we catch him “flying” instead of doing his homework?) His flying lesson (a 17th birthday gift).

February-March 2016

Silence.

April 2016

The air force came knocking. Another interview. Another psychometric test. D felt he aced this one (pun intended).

May 2016

Text message from the Israeli Air Force. Accepted. Not the specific role he wanted but within his window of satisfaction. Excitement. Trepidation. The air force is the darling of the military. Best conditions. High-tech environment. Much to my son’s amusement, I don’t really understand what he’ll be doing.

July 2016

D called me at the office. Draft date pulled in. “Dad, we need to change our holiday plans – three weeks and I’m in.” New York will have to wait. Improvising, we quickly made other travel arrangements. A week later, we were in northern Italy. My son a reluctant traveler. He’d rather be home with his friends sharing the excitement of the draft.

August 2016

Took D for a buzz cut. His beautiful golden locks. Gone. I also had a buzz cut. My less beautiful grey locks. Gone. Solidarity.

We threw a draft bash. Lots of friends and family. I toasted: “We are celebrating your draft … into the world’s best air force…. I can’t tell you how proud we are…. You obtained a role – and I still don’t get it – that is meaningful and challenging, with great responsibility and opportunity. Embrace it. Be safe and strong. Keep us safe and strong. D, sweet child of mine. May God make you like Ephraim and Menashe … and establish peace for you.”

Draft day, 2016

We traveled in two cars. My wife. Our daughter. My mother-in-law. D’s friends. His girlfriend. And, of course, the cadet. We arrived at the induction centre at 0800 hours. Despite living in Israel for more than 22 years, I’m still amazed by the informality. Sometimes disguised as chaos. My Canadian self still says lines. Order. Please. Excuse me. The security appeared to be in disarray. Then I remembered I’m on an army base. Umm … can’t get more secure than that.

Hundreds of young recruits. Balagan. Israeli flags waving overhead. Old ladies passing out amulets with the prayer for the Israeli army. Sephardi grandmothers spraying water into the crowd to wash away the evil eye.

Much too quickly my son’s name was called. Won’t forget the apprehensive “I guess it’s my turn” look on his face. Nor the tears flowing from my wife’s almond-shaped eyes. Nor the tears flowing from my daughter’s green eyes. Nor my mother-in-law’s “shouldn’t there be peace by now?” hunched and saddened look. I took D aside. Covered his head with my hand. Recited the blessing for a son. Then, like at a beach party, his friends hoisted him on their shoulders. Carried him forward. Innocence. Bravado. Another generation coming of age in Israel.

He walked the final distance alone. Oversized backpack. Buzz cut. Excitement. Trepidation. Then disappeared into the military transport and his next three years. Actually, two years and eight months, but who’s counting.

Bruce Brown has been living in Israel for a long time and is the proud father of two Sabras, one currently a sergeant in the Israeli Air Force.

The benefits from repetition

Repetition is good for us. (I may have said this before!) If you exercise, you’re in touch with “reps” or, if you walk your dog, you’ve been down this block with someone sniffing at the end of the leash before. If you’re rolling your eyes in boredom as you stand in a line, way too much of life seems to be about waiting patiently and repetition.

Jewish tradition has lots of “rinse and repeat” kinds of moments in it. If you read the Torah portion regularly, phrases like, “And Moses said,” pop out frequently. If you’re already preparing meals or family gatherings for upcoming holidays, you may reflect on how often you’ve done this before. It would be wrong to ignore the feeling of drudgery that sometimes accompanies all this. There are definitely times, as I try to figure out how to fit in all the prep, when I wonder if it’s so meaningful to do it again. And again.

Two recent experiences reminded me that we get something out of this repetition thing.

The first was one of those ubiquitous parenting articles that mention the value of self-care and meditation. Sometimes it’s easier to dismiss such suggestions. Yes, I’ve thought, but who will watch the kids, make dinner and earn the money while we’re doing all this trendy stuff?

However, I happened to hear a tidbit at services recently about Rosh Chodesh. Bill Weissman was leading a Sunday minyan at the start of the month of Elul. He reminded everyone about the association of women with the beginning of the month, mentioning that, aside from tending small babies, women were supposed to have a day off. In some Jewish communities, women don’t do certain kinds of work on the holiday, perhaps avoiding laundry or other tedious jobs. In fact, Jewish tradition teaches us that we need breaks. Scheduled activities, like a learning group, a meditation circle or even a standing coffee date, enable us to take better care of ourselves, whether it’s scheduled for Rosh Chodesh or every Tuesday.

The second experience that brought this all together occurred on the same weekend but the day before. One of my twins was feeling sick and was on antibiotics, so he stayed home with Daddy. I took the other twin on a Shabbat date. We went to family services together. Usually, while this kid dances and participates, he doesn’t read or engage with every prayer. My other twin sings along to everything, but makes up his own words. That’s fine. I figure they both enjoy themselves and get something out of being there. (For me, attending services is all part of that repetitive self-care thing, but it’s hard to get the most out of it with twins along for the ride.)

To my surprise, this Shabbat, a switch flipped in my kid’s 7-year-old brain. He sang and davened every prayer. He engaged completely. He wanted to be involved and responded to everything at the service – he even heard something interesting during the announcements. During the month of Elul, we blow the shofar during morning minyan.

Later, when I said how proud I was to hear him sing and say all the prayers, I asked what had happened. He explained that he likes to be quiet until he knows something perfectly. He decided he knew things well enough, so now he can say them all. It was as if buzzers were going off in my “educator” brain. Bing! This kid is an introvert. This is how introverts often process and learn new material. It’s about quiet introspection and repetition.

The next morning, I still had one sick twin and one healthy one. The healthy introvert announced that he wanted to attend that morning’s minyan. He cheerfully got through the hour-long service on Rosh Chodesh. He joked with many of the minyan regulars, participated, and he heard the shofar. It was a meaningful experience for him. I am still feeling celebratory about it many days later!

How did we get to this point? It wasn’t a one-time experience. I didn’t create a high-pressure event where I brought my children to one service, asked them to tell me if they enjoyed it and expected them to make a decision about their religious observance as a result. When we learn at school or while doing a sport, there are a lot of drills involved. It can be boring or reflective, but maybe it doesn’t matter.

We need to keep repeating things – Jewish content, CPR training, swimming lessons, whatever – until it sticks. You can’t give yourself a chance to make or eat a good holiday meal or have a meaningful religious experience if you haven’t practised. Recipes, prayers, exercise and meditation, among other things, don’t generally come out right the first time. Is it sometimes boring to do one’s exercise, cooking or other life tasks? Oh, you bet. However, nobody ever said that taking care of yourself, your household, relationships and work would be easy.

Some things aren’t fascinating. Even so, all that repetition can be good for us. Repetition teaches life skills. Learning the discipline needed to stick to something and practise it? That’s well worth taking time to learn. Repetition offers our bodies and minds a lot of healthy habits. Jewish communities and activities offer these skills. Just keep going. (It’s about showing up.)

Try to reduce screen time

In her latest book, Be the Parent, Please (Templeton Press, 2018), author Naomi Schaefer Riley reminds parents to take back control and help their kids find healthier means of entertainment.

Originally from Massachusetts, this New York mom of three kids (ages 11, 9 and 5) is no stranger to society’s pressure to give children whatever they want, including the latest technology.

“Over the last few years, I myself struggled with the issues of how to handle screen time, and I’ve watched a lot of other parents struggle with it,” Schaefer Riley told the Independent. “As a journalist, I wanted to talk to experts and do reading, and find out what the research says … and talk to parents about strategies they were using to deal with this.

“The pressure to hand over screens to kids starts almost immediately these days,” she said, “The iPhone came out a little more than 10 years ago, coinciding with the birth of my oldest daughter. It took a couple years but, by the time she was in preschool, a lot of parents, even to have a basic conversation with another person, would hand over their phone just in order to distract the child.”

Today, tablets and cellphones have become a source of all things entertainment for kids (let alone adults), whether that involves looking at pictures of themselves, creating videos or playing games.

“When my kids were younger, we let them watch one show every night, some half-an-hour cartoon,” said Schaefer Riley. “Then, my son was born and the fight began over what they were watching and who gets to pick each night. And it became more of a struggle to tell them you’re going to turn off the TV…. A book I read enlightened me, called The Plug-In Drug. It came out a little more than 40 years ago and was mostly about TV and videogames.

“The author noted that, when you turn off a screen, it’s almost like waking a child up from a nap. It’s a trance-like state and they’re so into it that it’s almost like a change from sleep to wakefulness when you turn it off. And they become cranky. It can be as long as a half hour before they adjust back to reality. I think I was tired of the crankiness, too, of every time I turned it off, to have this fight ensue.”

At the Schaefer Riley house, there are a lot of toys and the kids are expected to entertain themselves without the TV. “But, a lot of parents don’t make that expectation,” she said. “They assume that, unless the child has a screen, the parent has to be entertaining them at all times, that the child can never be restless or irritated.”

She went on to explain that it’s not a parent’s job to ensure that their child is 100% engaged in something at all times. Instead of screens, she suggested, “Why not give your kids some pots and pans to bang together or some cardboard boxes? These are things we know are good for building fine and gross motor skills, and [that] encourage kids to explore things.

“I think what the screens have allowed is for us to exercise more control over our kids and keep them on a tighter leash. You don’t need to go all the way to the park. You can just sit in the living room and give your kid an iPad. That way, I don’t need to worry about whether you know enough about crossing the street or whether you’ve achieved that level of independence. The phone will allow me to have this tether on you. This is not very beneficial to kids in the long run.”

Children are now finding tasks difficult to handle if they cannot immediately text their parents for advice or counsel about their lives, argued Schaefer Riley. There is constant communication, with technology serving as a crutch for helicopter parenting.

“A lot of parents have confessed to me … they know, deep down … that they don’t need studies to tell them that their kids are on screens too much,” said Schaefer Riley. “Parents know this.”

It’s time to apply basic parenting strategies to technology, she said. “I know it sounds simplistic to say, but your kid doesn’t generally ask for chocolate cake for breakfast in the morning; they know there’s none for breakfast. If you talk about screen-time limits and stick to them, your kid will not be on you constantly…. If you stick with the rules you set for a few weeks or months, your child will learn that there is no point in asking again; they already know what the answer is and will stop asking for things you consistently say ‘no’ to. The idea is to bring parents back to reality and back to a sense of where they do have control.”

According to Schaefer Riley, the life skill of asking for assistance from an adult is one that many children are missing out on, due to the reliance on tablets and phones.

“I see the kids … my daughter is on the swim team … and they all walk out of practice and everyone is texting their parents – pick me up in five or 10 minutes outside,” said Schaefer Riley. “I’m like, ‘who are you?’ These are not your chauffeurs. I think that’s how we’ve come to think of ourselves.”

Schaefer Riley said observant families, who turn off their phones on Shabbat, have an advantage, as the children come to appreciate that there is something to be gained from family time. “I think,” she said, “that more and more people, whether they are religious or not, are trying to find that ‘technology Sabbath,’ as they like to call it, to give themselves a break … either at meal times, or one day a week, or on vacation. It’s considered a luxury now, to be able to get away from your phone.”

Schaefer Riley emphasized that her book is not meant to scold anyone. She herself faces these challenges.

“There’s a lot of pressure coming from technology companies and schools, and from the culture generally, that are really pushing you to hand over these devices to your kids,” she said. “It takes some willpower to say no, that’s not for my child, or this much time is not for my child.

“There’s a point at which you need to go into your community and find allies,” she added. “Everywhere I went, every community of people I’ve spoken with, there wasn’t just one family trying to hold the line. There were several and, sometimes, they weren’t connected with each other. But, if you do a little searching, you can find people trying to take a similar tactic, and it helps to have allies.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.