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Tag: bullying

Sorting out playground fights

If you’ve got grade school-aged children, chances are they come home recounting fights on the playground and in their classrooms. Sometimes, it involves them, and other times, they are bystanders. There are kids who are hitting, name calling, mimicking and punching each other. The chasing and hurting seems to come out of the blue, or sometimes it has been expected and dreaded for way too long. People can be cruel to one another.

It might not come as a surprise that moms talk to each other about their children but, in the last couple of weeks, I’ve probably talked to four parents who have mentioned their worry or concerns. While it’s possible for some to pile on stereotypes about Jewish mothers, if you ignore all the nonsense, the underlying theme is simple for all parents. We’re trying to raise good, kind people and that’s why we devote so much effort and concern to it. We want healthy, happy children, and wonder how to keep them from killing each other.

Unfortunately, turning to traditional texts doesn’t always offer us solace. We’re not reading about happy families all the time when we read the weekly Torah portion – and, often, the rabbis’ commentary doesn’t soften the harsh responses in Genesis. For instance, when you read the stories about Joseph and his brothers, well, they were brutal to one another.

Joseph is his father’s favourite, and it’s no secret. Joseph doesn’t help matters – he tattles on his older brothers (Genesis 27:2). His dad makes him fancy clothing, too, so it is obvious he is getting preferential treatment.

Joseph’s brothers strip him of his clothes and throw him in a pit and, if that’s not bad enough, they sell him as a slave. Even Reuben, who hopes to fix things, cannot stop his brothers when they are dead-set on doing harm.

Of course, many commentators rush to point out how forgiving Joseph is and that, later, as a powerful man in Egypt, he saves his whole family in a time of famine. Yet Joseph misleads his brothers about who he is; he kidnaps his brothers. Well, the summary is that this is a complex story with difficult characters. It can be hard to figure out who is in the right here, and if anyone behaves well, after all.

Zooming back to the playground, there are some startling comparisons. When the kids race up and start telling the parents that this kid hit that one, this kid is bad, etc., it can be hard to untangle the story. Often, too, the kid who throws the first punch didn’t do it out of the blue. If you provoke someone enough, particularly a kid who hasn’t quite mastered self-control, someone’s probably going to fight back.

There are a few conclusions I can make in comparing this important biblical narrative with a parent’s everyday one. First, it’s complicated. It is way too simplistic to think that one child is a perfect blameless angel and the other the nasty bad person. This isn’t how relationships and people work.

Second, untangling the story can take awhile. It’s important to learn everybody’s point of view before deciding what actually happened. Sometimes, it’s crucial not to just trust those in authority to be omnipotent and sort things out. An example? I got an official report home one day that one of my kids punched another kid. (We were really upset with him.) Days later, I found out from another child that the reason why mine acted out was because other kids were copying my kid, making fun of him and pretending to be him in an unkind way, behind his back. While I might not condone punching somebody in the nose, I sometimes can understand how it might happen if I hear the details of what exactly transpired.

Third, making peace is a multi-step process. The wronged party may need to work through a few things before the situation can be resolved. This takes time and fair judgments like Solomon’s. It can feel beyond a parent’s capabilities!

Finally, when following the story of Joseph and his brothers, we learn that they worked it out. Joseph helps feed his family and saves them – but it’s not a narrative of instant forgiveness and affection. Jealousy, unequal treatment and violence? It’s all in there.

Sometimes the complicated family dramas of Genesis demonstrate that even tangled and dangerous altercations can be resolved. It’s a reminder that everyone – kids, too – can get over their intrigue, fights and disagreements and forgive one another. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget everything about the complicated characters who are our friends, relatives and classmates. It might mean that, while we can’t change the past, we can get beyond it to build better future experiences together.

While I mulled this over, my husband pointed out something further. When we must rely on our families or our (smaller) Jewish communities, we must work together on many crucial issues of survival. We can’t change the past interactions or bad behaviours that may have taken place in a family or congregation. We can’t go back in time to repair or undo those wrongs, but we can drop the rancour to work together towards shared future goals. Joseph – and those playground reconciliations – show us that history is just history, not destiny.

Joanne Seiff writes regularly for CBC Manitoba and various Jewish publications. She is the author of three books, including From the Outside In: Jewish Post Columns 2015-2016, a collection of essays available for digital download or as a paperback from Amazon. See more about her at joanneseiff.blogspot.com.

Posted on November 23, 2018November 20, 2018Author Joanne SeiffCategories Op-EdTags bullying, education, Judaism, parenting, Torah
On a mitzvah mission

On a mitzvah mission

Jessica Cohn and her kids, Tamara and Jeremy, created the Friend Send to help others across Canada. (photo from Jessica Cohn)

Last October, Jessica Cohn, a Vaughan, Ont., mother of 10-year-old twins Tamara and Jeremy, was scrolling through Facebook when she found messages by other mothers that disturbed and saddened her.

“They were saying their kids were down because no one had come to their birthday parties,” Cohn recalled. “I told my kids and they immediately wanted to attend those parties, which was impossible because the children were located all over Canada.” Instead, the trio opted for the next best thing: to send those children birthday cards so they would feel less alone and more cared for. They got to work right away.

That initiative turned into the Friend Send, the Cohns’ personal mitzvah mission, which quickly extended beyond birthday cards to children 12 and under experiencing bullying or feeling friendless and lonely. Cohn and her children have sent 240 cards across the country.

“My kids have written on almost every card, and they love doing this,” she told the Independent. “We have a huge card box and they go through it to select a card they think a particular child would like. Once they’ve written their message, I add my own.”

When Annie Miron first heard about the idea, she was skeptical, but the Nanaimo mom was worried about her daughter, Trinity, 12, who was having a hard time making friends. “People were picking on her behind her back and she was really depressed, thinking all kids are mean,” she said. “A couple months ago, when I told Jessica what Trinity was going through, she sent a card and a letter in the mail.”

The card was deeply meaningful to her daughter, said Miron. “It told her that she mattered and that people cared about her, so she understood there are nice kids out there. After that, her attitude changed drastically and everything turned around for her at school. This positive message really does work and Jessica and her children saved our family.”

Dawn Chouinard, a Westbank, B.C., mother, has also seen a change in her 13-year-old daughter, Kate-lynn Grist, who was being bullied at school and was feeling friendless.

“She was so ecstatic when she received a card and it made such a difference to know that people were rooting for her,” Chouinard told the Independent. “The Friend Send is a really good idea because it can make a big difference to a child when a stranger gives you that boost, and it doesn’t come from mom or dad. Kate-lynn is a little more confident at school now, and I’ve noticed that, if she sees someone else struggling, she might be more inclined to offer them a word of encouragement now.”

Cohn has used Facebook to spread word of the Friend Send, and has heard some heartbreaking stories of children experiencing harrowing times. It’s her hope that the cards will give them the lift they need, the reminder that there are caring people out there offering support and encouragement, and that the bullying or isolation they are experiencing on the playground or sports field are not representative of the world at large.

“What surprised me was how many requests we get for cards for boys – way more than what we get for girls,” she said. She shared the experience of Cody, a child who started playing hockey later in life because his parents couldn’t afford the lessons. He was less skilled than the other kids and, as a result, they wouldn’t let him join their game. “It made me so sad, because he loved the game so much, and for him to be excluded because he was less skilful was heartbreaking,” Cohn said.

“I spend a long time talking with the parents on Facebook, especially the mothers, because I find they often don’t have anyone to support or understand them. People don’t understand how hard it is to see your child coming home crying every day. When their children receive some encouragement, this support means so much to them.”

If there’s one message Cohn wants to convey to parents of children who are being bullied, it’s not to be embarrassed about what is going on. “I wish I could tell every parent out there how special their children are, and how much love and respect they deserve,” Cohn said.

To find out more about the Friend Send, to request a card or to become a card-writer, visit facebook.com/thefriendsend.

Lauren Kramer, an award-winning writer and editor, lives in Richmond. To read her work online, visit laurenkramer.net.

Format ImagePosted on May 18, 2018May 16, 2018Author Lauren KramerCategories NationalTags bullying, Friend Send, Jessica Cohn, tikkun olam
We are all connected

We are all connected

Kerry Sandomirsky as Alice, centre. In Long Division, the way in which Alice’s son reacts to bullying “connects all the characters in the play, and it makes my character deeply question herself,” explains Sandomirsky. (photo by David Cooper)

Math, movement, images, text, music and more combine in Peter Dickinson’s Long Division, which will see its première at Gateway Theatre Nov. 17-26.

Dickinson is a professor at Simon Fraser University and the director of SFU’s Institute for Performance Studies. Long Division is his third play, and it features seven characters. Jewish community member Kerry Sandomirsky plays Alice.

“Alice is the single mother of a brilliant math student who is bullied,” Sandomirsky told the Independent. “He responds by making a shocking choice. This event connects all the characters in the play, and it makes my character deeply question herself. What could she have possibly done differently?”

Directed by Richard Wolfe and produced by Pi Theatre, Long Division is “about the mathematics of human connection.” The characters, explains the synopsis, “are linked by a sequence of ultimately tragic events, but there is more to the pattern than first appears. The three male and four female characters use number theory, geometry and logic to trace their connection to each other and to the moment that changed their lives.”

When asked about what challenges the script posed for her, Sandomirsky, said, “Well, have you ever tried to explain Pascal’s Wager using contemporary dance? Or Fibonacci numbers? Or Schrödinger’s cat? We’re dealing with mathematical concepts as metaphors for human stories. So, the first task is to learn the math!”

And to how much of the math could she relate?

“Zero,” she said. “Thank God my son has a math tutor.”

Not only is there the math to master, but the movement. For that, the cast also had help.

“Earlier today,” wrote Dickinson in his Oct. 20 blog, “the choreographer of Long Division, Lesley Telford, invited me to drop by the studio at Arts Umbrella on Granville Island, where she was working … with seven amazingly talented dancers … and they have each taken on a character in the play, drawing from the text … to improvise and develop individual gesture phrases that may or may not eventually get set in some related form on our corresponding actors when we begin rehearsals next week…. I was amazed at how bang-on their instincts were in terms of energy and tempo and line, as well as things like muscularity vs. flow, repetition, different levels and directional facings, and so on. I was also pleased to note that I could also read each character in the movement without reading the movement itself as telegraphing too obviously this or that character’s psychology or profession.”

Projection art also helps “reveal aspects of the characters’ inner lives,” according to the play description. On Oct. 29, Dickinson blogged that it was “useful to have Jamie [Nesbitt] at the table yesterday for our final beat-by-beat read-through of the text, as he asked a lot of tough dramaturgical questions about what exactly was going on in different sections, and how video might support them in some instances, or conceivably work against them in others. Combined with the cast’s similarly probing questions from the rest of the week, the rigorous text analysis has really forced me to justify my choices, and to explain their relevance to the overall structure of the play and the respective inner worlds of each of the characters.”

Playing Alice motivated Sandomirsky to read Sue Klebold’s book A Mother’s Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy. “Her son was one of the Columbine shooters,” explained Sandomirsky. “She experienced a firestorm of hatred. For example, when her family was sent food by her neighbors, her lawyer insisted she throw it out in case it was poisoned.

“This is the third play in a row where I play the mother of a tormented teenage boy. And this is definitely the first one that prescribes algebra as the way to get through life.”

But, Sandomirsky was quick to note, “Long Division is a workout for the mind – without sacrificing heart.”

Tickets for Long Division ($29) can be purchased from 604-270-1812 or gatewaytheatre.com/longdivision.

Format ImagePosted on November 11, 2016November 11, 2016Author Cynthia RamsayCategories Performing ArtsTags bullying, mental health
A solution for cyberbullying

A solution for cyberbullying

Alon Bar-David, co-founder and co-chief executive officer of Red Button. (photo from Red Button)

While cyberbullying is a relatively new phenomenon, bullying is as old as human history. From the playground to the office to cyberspace, it is remarkably transferable from one platform to another. But three young Israelis have developed a technology to reduce its progress on the latter front – the Red Button.

Winner of a “Stop Cyberbullying” competition held in Israel three years ago, the app’s red button, when pressed, sends a screen shot to one of the many volunteers who work with Red Button. If the content is deemed inappropriate, it is reported to the website – whether that is Facebook, YouTube, Google or JoeSchmoe.com – so that the content can be removed.

In some cases, the Red Button team has permission to remove the content; in other instances, the content is relayed to cyberbullying police, schools, business owners or even hospitals, if need be.

“When we published the Red Button and it went on air in December 2013, we saw for the first time just how cruel cyberbullying can be,” said Alon Bar-David, 27, co-founder and co-chief executive officer of the nonprofit.

In Boston, working with a business accelerator there to bring the app to North America, Bar-David told the Independent, “As soon as we published the Red Button, we received a lot of response, a lot of requests and we finally understood just how big the problem is and how big our solution needs to be.”

screen shot - The app’s red button, when pressed, sends a screen shot to one of the many volunteers who work with Red Button.
The app’s red button, when pressed, sends a screen shot to one of the many volunteers who work with Red Button.

When a user presses the button, an anonymous report is sent to the Red Button team. “They do not need to identify, they do not need to register,” explained Bar-David. “They only need to download it for free, press on the red button, and a screen print is sent to us.”

Currently, the app is available to Android users and it can be accessed via Google Chrome or Firefox. It can also be used as a web extension to the browsers. The company is working on an iPhone version.

Bar-David and the Red Button team receive hundreds of reports every day and there are dozens of volunteers who analyze them. When cyberbullying content is detected, the volunteers escalate the report to the appropriate place.

“Up until now, we’ve removed 95 percent of the [reported material] deemed to be cyberbullying,” said Bar-David. “We review the violence over the network in Israel. Before, no one was doing anything against the phenomena.

“We have access to many websites in Israel. We have a lot of power in our hands. We can really reduce cyberbullying.”

One of the most important ways Red Button is able to help is in suicide prevention. When the reports come in, they are directed to the suicide prevention police unit. “In 2014, we were able to help [prevent] more than 40 cases of attempted suicide and have a representative go to their home and save lives,” said Bar-David. “These are the only cases where an IP address is provided to police, so that they can get a location.”

Another big component is education. “We go to different schools every week and teach the kids what cyberbullying looks like, explaining what cyberbullying actually is,” said Bar-David. “Because most children, students, don’t know what cyberbullying is, they would not recognize it.”

The Red Button educators explain what it is. “More important than that,” he added, “they explain how to deal with the phenomena. They give them tools, the Red Button and a lot of other tools, and, every week, we go through different schools all over Israel.”

To find affordable, qualified staff, Red Button collaborates with Israeli universities. “The one that we have the biggest collaboration with is the Interdisciplinary Centre in Herzliya, Israel,” said Bar-David.

To generate interest from the general student population, the participating universities give school credits to the volunteers. There were more than 200 applicants last year to fill 50 spots.

“But the reason the students do it is because they think it’s important,” said Bar-David. “We only take students that really feel a connection to the issue we’re dealing with.”

As Red Button understands better than most, cyberbullying is a global problem. “We think that the Red Button should be all over the world because the cyberbullying phenomena isn’t just in Israel,” said Bar-David. “It’s a bigger issue all over the world, especially in the U.S. This is the reason we are here [in Boston]. We want to see the market here and see how to implement the Red Button here in the U.S.”

Bar-David is also interested in Red Button’s potential use in Canada. Noting that he just saw an article about cyberbullying on a Canadian news website, he said, “I understand if it gets to the news, that means the problem is very familiar in Canada. I hope we will be in Canada as soon as possible. Some people would like us there yesterday.”

For more information or to donate to Red Button, visit redbutton.org.il. While the site is only in Hebrew at the moment (the team is working on changing that), an English or Hebrew email can be sent to [email protected].

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Format ImagePosted on July 24, 2015July 22, 2015Author Rebeca KuropatwaCategories IsraelTags Alon Bar-David, bullying, cyberbullying, Red Button
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