aging – Jewish Independent

Clearing the decks

In every grouping of humans, there is a leadership structure. That’s the way it works for humans. That’s the way it works for animals, too, when they organize in groups.

Generally, for animals, it’s a combination of smarts and strength that wins the day, with physical strength often being an important part of the equation. The same must have been true for humans in our primitive days, and still is to an extent. In some periods of human history, there were those who were able to establish dynasties, where successive generations achieved leadership by right of birth, sometimes sanctioned by what was called “divine right.” The deity was called in to account for the continuing rule by a family in tribal or national context.

In more recent times, leadership has often been gifted to those who exhibited merit, rather than pure might. Those who were successful at their life tasks were called upon to serve in leadership roles to the benefit of those for whom they took responsibility. Therefore, many in leadership positions are more advanced in age, except in the most competitive arenas.

Well, guess what? There is suddenly a new selector in town! Coronavirus!

Some people are forecasting that we will see as much as three-quarters of the world’s population infected by COVID-19. Try as we might, and even as we may be successful in flattening the curve, most of us will eventually have to face the test of living through an infection by the virus. If we can find a vaccine, that will alleviate the losses. But, for the next year-and-a-half, at least, many of us will have to face the test. If our healthcare systems can sustain themselves under the onslaught, again, the losses will be fewer. If not, the choices will favour the younger and those more likely to survive. What this all means is that those who are older, those who are more likely to be among those in leadership, will be more likely to be among the fallen. Fate has taken a hand in our succession planning.

I am among the somewhat longer in the tooth, facing my 86th birthday. It is apparent that, in the current environment, this epistle may turn out to be my eulogy. Not many in my situation have the opportunity to deliver this kind of message ahead of time.

I have had meaningful work and the satisfaction of making, in my own mind, a worthwhile contribution to the lives of others, of my fellows. I feel my parents would have been proud of me. I had the joy of fathering children who have turned out to be good human beings. I have had the joy of finding and living with the love of my life. Flawed as I am, I am content. I am among the fortunate in this world. I am not abandoning the race but I am prepared for whatever the future holds. I wish the same for all my fellows.

This event we are living through is a feature of any life on any planet in our cosmos. A meteor struck our globe millennia ago, causing a global winter, which doomed the dinosaurs and permitted a mammalian ascendancy. Homo sapiens has prospered. We have survived plagues and influenzas. We have conquered many communicable diseases. We have managed to increase our food production capabilities so we did not starve when our numbers on this planet increased so much that our wise men believed we were doomed. We have continued to consume that arable land for our structures at a rapid pace and yet survive.

We are facing a crisis in the way we pollute our air and our waters, one we have yet to come to terms with. Rising temperatures on our globe may yet reach a point of no return. The pandemic we are facing, as other life forms on our planet seek their place in the sun, may turn out to be the least of the problems we will have to cope with.

In the meantime, this pandemic is clearing the decks of those in the age range I share. I don’t know about you, but it has captured my full attention – I can feel the target on my back. Keep your physical distance, please!

Max Roytenberg is a Vancouver-based poet, writer and blogger. His book Hero in My Own Eyes: Tripping a Life Fantastic is available from Amazon and other online booksellers.

Adding colour to our lives

Life is such an adventure, but its appeal for us depends so much on our attitude. One of the amazing things about this fact – that our attitude makes all the difference – is that this appears to be a law of nature. How we “reflect off” the events in our lives is crucial to our fate.

Most of us know a little bit about the nature of sight, the mechanics of seeing. We know less about the role played by light in our world. Light travels in units called photons. We know that these photons travel really fast, even when they have to bounce around in a world full of atoms to get where they are headed, which is everywhere. Photons travel so fast, we don’t notice that random atoms are impeding their progress a bit. In spite of that, they reflect off all the objects in our world and succeed in entering our eyes.

The lenses in our eyes focus this reflected light onto the light-sensitive rods and cones on the retina at the back of our eyeballs. (The rods work in dim or dark situations and the cones in bright light.) These create variable electrical charges sent along the optic nerve to the brain. Our brains interpret these stimuli as the visions that we see before our eyes. Did you know that the curvature of our eyes results in the images we receive being upside down? Our brains turn them right-side up for us.

What we are seeing is the reflected light. Any light absorbed by the objects we are looking at, we will not see. The same is true about colour. We only see the colours that the objects we are looking at reflect. All other colours are the ones that have been absorbed by these objects and we will not see them. Colour is all about light reflecting off the things in the world around us.

In the same way, it is our reactions to the realities we face in life that determine the kinds of lives we will lead. Different reactions, different lives. What does it mean to say that our reactions can be of overwhelming importance in determining our fates? It means that, to an important extent, our fates are in our own hands. (What does that do to the blame-games we have been nursing all our lives?)

I am getting to be what some people might term “an old guy.” Others, less kind, might say, “an old fool.” One would have to be foolish to live a whole life without understanding the principle I have enunciated above. And yet, it is only at this late date that this has become so clear to me.

Of course, I always knew I had to hustle my butt if I wanted to achieve the things I desired for my family and me. Yet, I never achieved the clarity of insight that I now have. I would venture to say that there are others of my fellow travelers who might have been, who might still be, wanting in this matter.

When all is said and done, there is no substitute for having a positive attitude. There are so many good things in our lives that we have to appreciate, that we have to be grateful for. There are so many people we pass every day who are less fortunate than we are. But that does not absolve us from the need to actively present our own best case to the world, to be up and at ’em every day, meeting the challenges we all face and will face. Without that, we are beat before we start.

Being open to the positive is a necessity if we hope to take advantage of any opportunities that might come our way if we reach out. Like the photons of light in our world, we move forward in our lives toward our goals in spite of impediments we might face; or we find paths to goals we hadn’t considered before.

I am not talking merely about amassing material possessions. I am talking about spending time working out how to ensure we are adding the colour we want to see in our lives. If all of this is dependent wholly on ourselves to determine what the elements of our lives are going to be – not our parents or our partners or our bosses or the economy – then what are we going to do about it? If, in spite of our positive attitude, we are not happy, if we are not satisfied, what are we going to do about it? I must confess, I never had this moment of clarity until I was 70 years of age. That’s a whole lot of living to have gone through without thinking about such things.

At the age of 71, unheralded, I flew across half a continent to try and reconnect with a woman I had known when we were teenagers more than 50 years before. I can report that we can look back now at almost 15 years of happily married life. We are keeping each other alive.

So, what I am writing about here is seeing the reflections off the objects (subjects?) that make up the elements of our lives. We have to be aware of the reflections streaming into our eyes, and consciously translate the images making their way into our brain. What colours are being reflected? Are we absorbing what those images are telling us? Or are we seeing them without really seeing them, same old, same old? And, if we do see them, and we don’t like what we see, what are we going to do about it? It is never too late to make an effort, I can tell you that!

Max Roytenberg is a Vancouver-based poet, writer and blogger. His book Hero in My Own Eyes: Tripping a Life Fantastic is available from Amazon and other online booksellers.

Finding ’n’ riding the WAHVE

Sharon Emek, founder and owner of Work at Home Vintage Experts (WAHVE). (photo from WAHVE)

Sharon Emek’s company, Work at Home Vintage Experts (WAHVE), celebrates its 10th anniversary this year.

WAHVE matches experienced professionals who are transitioning into retirement with businesses that are looking for the professionals’ specific skills and expertise. One of the draws for what WAHVE calls “pretirees” is that the pretiree can work from home. “By removing the requirement that workers be in the office, we break down the walls that confine businesses to a smaller talent pool,” notes the website. “Wherever the best talent is for the job, we help make it happen.”

Company founder Emek was raised in a moderate Chassidic home, but her parents refused her request to pursue a higher education. Nonetheless, she went to university, earned a doctorate and became a professor. Being computer and tech savvy, however, she started consulting for companies that were developing efficiency procedures and protocols. In the early 1980s, she went into business for herself.

When she was consulting for brokers in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, she said, “The insurance companies began noticing how the work I was doing helped them run a better operation, so they asked if I’d like to start my own insurance brokerage firm. They said, ‘We don’t have any women,’ so I said, ‘Great. I’ll be happy to.’ I’d never actually sold insurance before, but I know a lot of people, so I wrote a business plan.”

Emek’s agency became one of the largest female-owned agencies in the area, before it merged with a larger brokerage firm in 2003.

“The industry began to worry about a potentially huge talent drain to come … everyone was turning grey,” said Emek. “It was a huge boomer industry. Young people hadn’t come into the industry and everyone was concerned at what we were going to do and how we’d get our work done.

“For me,” she said, “for every problem, there’s a solution. The research started to show that the more active you are, the more you engage your brain, and the longer you live.”

Within a few years, smartphones came out and laptops were gaining popularity. A couple of years later, voice systems and video calls became commonplace.

“You can [work] … at home and no one would know that you weren’t in the office, so it occurred to me, why don’t people do that? I bet people want to continue to work, but they don’t want to be in an office any longer,” said Emek. “After 30 years of driving to work, they are ready to retire from the regular office setting … but they’re not ready to retire from work.

“We did a whole survey in the industry of people over 55, asking them about that. All of them said that they love what they do, that they don’t want to stop working – they just don’t want to work in the office. And, also, that they are worried they don’t have enough money for retirement. So, all that came together in my head and I woke up one day and said, ‘Duh!’”

While people were ready to work from home, brokerage firms did not know how to make that a reality, so Emek developed a methodology for qualifying people interested in going this route. Creating a matrix of questions similar to dating sites, but for business purposes, she assessed 50-to-80-year-olds and helped them create a resumé to qualify them for remote positions in the insurance industry.

For the past 10 years, WAHVE has been connecting “vintage” experts with brokerage positions, filling needs on both sides of the spectrum.

Neither side meets in person, she said, so the potential employer has no idea of the applicant’s ethnicity or physical attributes.

“Our clients fill out a whole job request that includes their work culture, their daily functions, etc.,” said Emek. “We created this very sophisticated software and the whole point is to transform how everyone views retirement. These people are ‘un-retiring’ … retiring from the office, not from work. That’s the key.”

While Emek acknowledges that many other industries could benefit from this type of worker, her focus for now is on the insurance and financial services sectors.

“People are still old-fashioned, thinking the only way to supervise is to see you in the office, but they are beginning to understand that they can have a flexible work environment. They also realize that you can’t always find the right talent in your backyard,” she said.

Although many younger people also would love the opportunity to work from home, Emek recommended that they start by working in an office, to gain experience and expertise.

“That’s the problem with millennials,” said Emek. “They want to work from home, but they don’t have institutional knowledge yet. How are they going to learn it unless they work with people? A 25-year-old has to be trained. They don’t yet have the knowledge to work from home.

“My customers will hire my people because they know they are experts with 25 or 30 years of experience. Within two days, they are 100% productive. My people fill a need immediately. And there’s no turnover, they aren’t looking for a promotion – they just want steady work for the rest of their lives.

“WAHVE is more than a placement agency,” she said. “It provides support to clients, insurance and tech support…. In a sense, it provides home office management services, so professionals can do their jobs. I call it the ‘independent contractor model.’”

Emek gave the example of a woman who contacted WAHVE several months ago. In an email of thanks, the woman shared, “I moved to be near my daughter and granddaughter. I’ve been in the business 30 years and I have excellent credentials, but, every time I walk into the office for an interview, they’d see my age and that I have a limp. So, for over a year, almost a year-and-a-half, I could not find a job. I applied on WAHVE and, within a month-and-a-half, I now have a job I love. And nobody knows how old I am or that I have a limp.”

Of this, Emek said, “That’s why, that’s the purpose of WAHVE.”

WAHVE is not yet in Canada, but Emek would like to see it branch out here and beyond. “At this point,” she said, “we are trying to finish penetrating the big insurance companies. Once we do that, we’ll head to Canada – in two years, we hope.”

For more information, visit wahve.com.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Similar needs across cultures

On Oct. 30, members of different cultural groups gathered to discuss issues facing seniors. (photo from JSA)

Aging Across Cultures Dialogue Tables included an Oct. 30 gathering hosted by Jewish Seniors Alliance of Greater Vancouver at the Unitarian Centre.

The B.C. Ministry of Tourism, Arts and Culture has provided funding for a focused review of services, concerns and challenges faced by organizations providing help to multicultural seniors in the Lower Mainland. In addition to the JSA, Jewish Family Services and the Kehila Society were among the groups represented, which also included ASK Friendly Society, B.C. Community Resources Network, Kitsilano Neighbourhood House, United Way-Better At Home, Collingwood Neighbourhood House, COSCO, 411 Seniors Centre Society, Gordon Neighbourhood House, Marpole Neighbourhood House, Simon Fraser University Gerontology Research Centre, Vancouver Seniors Advocate, Seniors Brigade Society of British Columbia, Seniors First B.C., South Granville Seniors Centre, Tonari Gumi, Vancouver Native Health Society, and West End Seniors Network.

On Oct. 30, Gyda Chud, co-president of JSA, welcomed participants, emphasizing advocacy, reflection and rejuvenation as illustrated in a new JSA video outlining its community services. Grace Hann and Charles Leibovitch, from JSA’s peer support services, were the facilitators for the multicultural dialogue tables. Liz Azeroual of JSA documented on flip charts the ideas and concepts put forth by the participants.

Whatever the needs of seniors in general, discussants agreed that the situation is worse for immigrants and for women; many must choose between either eating or taking their medications. Immigrant women are less likely to be accepted for financial aid. Literacy is an issue, especially when applications for help are online, and navigating the system is more difficult when English is not your first language.

Without family advocacy, many seniors are left to fend for themselves. They need places to meet other seniors who have similar language, customs and experiences. In care facilities, many immigrant seniors are forced to eat unfamiliar foods. Immigrant seniors, especially women, need advocates to get their needs met, but community-based organizations working with seniors often are not well-funded, so help is minimal. The medical system is not structured to treat the multiple problems of seniors.

Loneliness and isolation are among those issues. Family groupings are now much smaller, and young families do not live in the same area as their parents or grandparents. Some seniors are abandoned by their families, or by the death of friends and colleagues. There is a lack of social support, transportation and financial aid to address these problems. Health issues such as depression, fractures that limit mobility, and degenerative hearing and sight increase isolation. LGBTQ+ seniors may also be underserved and isolated. There is a need for better communication all round.

Low-income seniors often move into single-room facilities, if they are available, or some become homeless, living in cars or couch surfing, as they cannot afford higher rents.

Paid caregiver turnover and the deteriorating quality of some care facilities has led families to care for their loved ones at home without adequate financial support. Caregiver burnout is a major concern and accessing certain types of care is a huge challenge: palliative care, for example, requires a physician’s referral.

Population movement and growth, and changes in the healthcare industry, are taking place without adequate planning for the changing needs of the senior population. For all workers, including professionals, who come from a non-English-speaking country, language training is necessary and difficult. Families need paid work in stable jobs and so do seniors. Volunteers are hard to recruit and retain, even though it is meaningful work and can lead to other jobs. In addition to language, many new Canadians need to learn more about technology and Canada’s corporate and general culture. In many areas, discrimination is an issue faced by new Canadians.

All Canadians need to plan for retirement, which is becoming costlier, as the population ages and services become more expensive. Various healthcare agencies need adequate funding to keep the elderly out of hospitals, and the links between different levels of health care and social services (clinics, hospitals and nonprofit agencies) need to be strengthened in order to keep this population from falling through the cracks. Access to transportation is a big part of this, and caregivers should be remunerated for providing home care for seniors. Cultural and ethnic care facilities could play a larger role in reducing isolation, offering spaces where language, food and culture are familiar and where families of seniors can meet.

Seniors housing was considered the highest priority. The need for more single-room affordable housing units, more cooperatives, more roommate pairing services and stricter legislation for affordable-housing vacancy rules were discussed. It was also believed that immigrants and 55-to-65-year-old seniors needed more access to Canada Pension Plan and Old-Age Security.

At the end of the discussion, Dr. Gloria Gutman, from Simon Fraser University’s Gerontology Research Centre, stressed the needs for groups to keep communicating at all levels to help resolve these major seniors’ issues.

Pamella Ottem, MSN, worked for many years in the field of gerontology. As a retired nurse, she has volunteered in the Fraser Health Authority hip replacement program. At Jewish Seniors Alliance, she is a member of the board and chairperson of the peer support services committee.

Louis Brier garden project

Left to right: Nicole Encarnacion, Ruthie Shugarman and Lisa Ford. (photo from Louis Brier Home and Hospital)

This summer, the Louis Brier Home and Hospital celebrated the transformation of part of its outdoor space into a place of beauty and quiet.

On the morning of June 30, the wider community came out to support the Louis Brier Home and Hospital’s community of residents living with dementia. The special care unit, which is home for 17 residents who live with severe dementia, has its own outdoor space for the residents and their families. Dubbed the “secret garden,” this space has been tended by residents’ families and, now, thanks to the vision and support of local realtor Ruthie Shugarman, it received a major overhaul.

The project was spearheaded by former master gardener Lisa Ford, who visits her mother, Laura Ford, a five-year resident of Louis Brier, several times a week. Since her mother moved into the special care unit two-and-a-half years ago, Ford has been planting and caring for the space. With Shugarman’s help, the private courtyard has become a welcoming space for families to spend time together with dementia-friendly design components recommended by the Louis Brier’s nursing lead, Nicole Encarnacion.

Just prior to the June 30 gathering at the Brier, the Government of Canada announced its National Dementia Strategy: canada.ca/en/public-health/services/publications/diseases-conditions/dementia-strategy.html.

Can only live in the now

It’s sunny today as I write this, and there is a lovely breeze fluttering the leaves on a tree outside my window. I am reacquainting myself with myself, pleasuring in the solitude. Writing this story for you (and myself) is a minor distraction.

Knowing ourselves can be scary, but we can get over that. We are not so bad after all. Look at all those good things we have done (rah! rah!) despite the weaknesses we know we have, and how they compare to the aspirations we have had for ourselves. It doesn’t mean we don’t have to try to be better, to achieve more, but facing our failings can make us be kinder to others.

My bride feels that I am amazing in my capacity to forgive myself for my errors and weaknesses. But I know, and I have told her, that she, and most people, are too hard on themselves. I believe it has something to do with the constructs we build up in our minds as to what we believe is success, the goals we set. Then, given the unpredictability of life, we are disappointed when we don’t realize all of them.

But these things we dream of are not real. They are something way out in a potential future. Only the now is real, only the now is what we can change. Often, when we get to the anticipated future, we no longer want what we aspired to. We have changed our mind as a consequence of our life experiences. Our pleasures may really arise from the incidentals we realize on our path, what we encounter in our nows. They may turn out to be what we treasure above all.

So, I forgive my errors as lessons learned, and aim for my goals as a spectrum rather than a single point. And I forgive my blunders as an excess of enthusiasm. I know my enthusiasms can be fierce, as I believe that we really have to want what we want to have some chance of getting there.

We all know that people are watching what we do. A lot of what we think about ourselves is motivated by what we believe other people think about us. And we worry about that at times. It can seriously affect our behaviour. As I have gotten older, however, I find that I am not so much worried about that. The person I am more concerned about is me – that’s the guy I have to come to terms with.

We cannot fail to develop in ourselves, unless we are sociopaths, some ideas about what are the right things to do in life. We absorb it from our parents, what we read or see, what our friends have said or done, and the “inner us” watches and measures everything we do, and passes judgment.

We know when we have violated what our inner judge has said is the right action. Nonetheless, we sometimes, thinking or unthinking, follow our own selfish self-interest. But, often, we are motivated to act in opposition to our short-term interests and according to the larger values we have absorbed.

When we do the wrong thing it stays with us. Our judge is difficult to escape. He or she is there every time we encounter ourselves in our thoughts. We have many ways to distract ourselves from what it is telling us, and that escape may tempt us powerfully, but we cannot know ourselves if we are not in touch, fully acquainted, with that inner self. We cannot be at peace if we are not in harmony with that inner self or judge.

We all know people who publicly espouse the public good and privately pursue the private good. We see examples of that every day on our television and internet screens, our newspapers and magazines, our trips to the grocery store or the community centre. Could we live with ourselves if we were that kind of person? Does it take self-delusion?

Most of us aspire to being the kind of people our children could respect, and we have taught them the lessons we believed would help them on their way. We all have had our aspirations to achieve positions and places, situations in life that we feel are appropriate for the kind of people we truly are. Hopefully, we are happy with the portion that we have earned and been given (as no one makes it on their own, or without some luck).

It is only in our solitudes that we truly confront the people we are, without pretension. Some people are able to be more like their real selves in public, but most of us present to others the person they believe others want or expect to see in us. How fortunate we are if we have those in our circle with whom we feel free to be the person we really are.

Deep in our heart of hearts, we know of all the compromises we have made with the principles we truly believe in. They weigh on us. We have corrected where we could along the way. For what remains undone, which cannot be fixed, we have to find in ourselves the generosity to forgive ourselves, and others.

This moment is the “there” we have arrived at, even if it is the life we did not necessarily aim for. This incidental is the real thing. We are really alive only in the now in which we find ourselves.

Max Roytenberg is a Vancouver-based poet, writer and blogger. His book Hero in My Own Eyes: Tripping a Life Fantastic is available from Amazon and other online booksellers.

Everyone can say yes to life

At risk of universalizing a book with a particular theme, The Aging of Aquarius: Igniting Passion and Purpose as an Elder is valuable not just for those who are retired or pondering it – though it has plenty of age-specific content for that demographic. At root, it is a book about living well, and that makes it a valuable volume for people of any age.

Author Helen Wilkes, a Vancouverite and member of the Or Shalom community, has penned an optimistic, uplifting book. But let that not deceive the reader, she warns early on, into misjudging who she is.

“Lest you think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth or that I am one of those insufferably cheerful people,” she writes in the preface, “permit me to introduce myself.”

She talks about being born to Jewish shopkeepers in a village in the Sudetenland, part of Czechoslovakia that was among the first places occupied by the Nazis in advance of the Second World War.

“Our village fell to Hitler when I was still in diapers and, as a consequence, I have spent a lifetime with fear and negativity as my constant companions,” she writes.

Her childhood was lonely and her parents uncommunicative. Her marriage ended when her daughters were 3 and 4 years old.

“Divorce at the time was still so shameful that it took my mother several years to accept what she and her friends labeled as my ‘failure as a woman.’”

Yet Wilkes pivots to optimism.

“If, despite a childhood in the shadow of the Holocaust, and if, despite a lifetime of experiencing myself as an outsider with little sense of self-worth, I have found cause to hold my head high and to face the future with optimism in my retirement years, there is reason for others to hope,” she writes.

This is not a handbook on aging so much as an illustration by example of how to do it right. She does acknowledge, though, that a person has to make the effort to age well. Each section of her book ends with ideas and actions that might help on the path to success.

“Everywhere, there are opportunities to meet new people, yet surveys indicate that social isolation is a major problem despite the fact that simply joining a club is as good for your health as quitting smoking, exercising or losing weight,” writes Wilkes, who has a PhD in French literature. “The Vancouver Foundation reports ‘a precipitous decline’ in how many people made use of libraries, community or recreation centres in 2017, that only about one in four people took part in any kind of community or neighbourhood project.… And that, in a city as diverse as ours, only about one in four people attended an ethnic or cultural event put on by an ethnic or cultural group different than their own.”

Finding joy in the simple things – again, good advice for people of any age – is one of her key findings.

“Aging has made me a connoisseur of life,” she writes. “It has taught me to savour not what is rare or high-priced, but what is ordinary. The small moments that sometimes overwhelm me with heart-stopping joy. An incredible blue-sky day. The first sip of my morning coffee. The laughter of family and friends. Whenever I am walking in the woods with a boisterous dog, whenever I sit on a log at the beach while the sun dips slowly below the horizon and paints the sky with hues no artist could capture, whenever I stroll through a harvest market where farm-fresh produce overwhelms with its rich ripeness, whenever my grandchildren burst through the doorway to give me a hug, or whenever I am engaged in any number of absorbing activities, I so often have an overwhelming sense of not wanting to be anywhere in the world except exactly where I am at this moment.”

While she challenges the conceptions some people have of retirement as a time to sit in a hammock with a fancy drink, she does also acknowledge that, as Danny Kaye said, “to travel is to take a journey into yourself.”

She talks about an eye-opening trip to China, where she went as a chaperone to her 10-year-old twin grandsons. Having heard of the panoply of human rights abuses in China, she was shocked to see an English-language newspaper with a headline asking “How dare they?” above an article cataloguing racism and human rights abuses in the United States and other “free world” countries. Having heard about China’s reputation as a major contributor to global warming, she was pleased to see solar panels and wind turbines throughout the country. The rapid transit system they used to get everywhere contrasted with what she is familiar with in Vancouver.

“China held up a mirror that led me to reexamine the history I had been taught in high school and university,” she writes. “Day by day, it became more difficult to view the West as having brought enlightenment to backward Asians.”

Wilkes acknowledges that not everyone can travel to foreign countries and says there are ways to experience some of that diversity without getting on a plane.

“Next week, I anticipate attending a Hindu baby-naming ceremony to which I’ve been invited. Last week, I was invited for dinner at the home of a Muslim family from Pakistan. Being at their table, sharing our limited knowledge of one another’s culture, these to me are opportunities for much more than just personal enjoyment or emotional enrichment. They are occasions where it is possible to create a gram of kindness in a world where political and regional and religious differences tend to divide rather than link. I never fail to feel uplifted by experiencing our common humanity writ large. When I can no longer travel, I hope I will still reach out to people from other lands as graciously as people elsewhere have reached out to me,” she writes.

She speaks about another trip – this one to Berlin, for the launch of the German translation of her previous book, Letters from the Lost: A Memoir of Discovery, which explored her survivor’s guilt as she discovered, in adulthood, a cache of letters from family left behind in Czechoslovakia after she and her parents fled just after Nazi occupation of the Sudetenland.

“In Berlin, forgetting is impossible,” she reflects. “Over the years, Germany has made remembering an art as well as an official policy. Germany tells the world that it is only by remembering the past that we have any likelihood of avoiding similar mistakes in the future. The reminders are unavoidable. In Berlin, history is omnipresent. Even the sidewalks are studded with Stolpersteine, raised stumbling blocks inscribed with the names of Jews who once lived in the adjacent buildings.”

Since so many people’s identities are entwined with their profession, she writes, moving into retirement, for many people, can demand a complete reinvention of self. She proceeds to ask a litany of questions about what identity means, and even, as a member of a particular culture, what culture means.

“Such questions and many more continue to haunt me as I age,” she writes.

And, while she turns to books for answers, the process of asking questions may be an end in itself when addressing the existential issues the book confronts.

Among everything else it is, The Aging of Aquarius is also a very Jewish memoir. Both in her personal history and in the theological exploration she discusses near the end of it, her Jewish identity and experiences play central roles in the story.

At a book launch at Or Shalom on Nov. 4, Wilkes said she approaches the later years of life with many unanswered questions. But, as difficult as finding answers may be, she suggested responding affirmatively.

“I know it’s not easy, but if the answer to how is yes,” she said in conclusion, “let us all say yes to life. Yes to aging. L’chaim.”

Learning throughout our life

Isn’t life wonderful? It has such potential to deliver joy, beauty, poetry and music for every one of us. More’s the pity that so many of us get only a small fraction of that potential for our portion. Still, gratitude must be the order of the day because things could always be worse.

If we take the time to examine the simple pleasures that most of us benefit from, we should be able to swallow some of the less digestible bits with a little more grace. Nature is nearly everyone’s inheritance – sun, moon, sky and stars, the green around, with maybe a spot of colour. We breathe in and out, taste the sweet along with the sour, and sometimes hear a birdsong. And perhaps, from time to time, if we are fortunate, our lot allows us a warm embrace.

We start out as strangers in a world we know absolutely nothing about. We start out with only sensations: warmth, cold, discomfort, pain, or their absence, and hunger pangs. Our first lesson is the instinct to cry out in reaction to what we find uncomfortable. We soon learn whether our instinctive appeals for help are likely to be answered quickly or with an incomprehensible delay. Scientists tell us that this knowledge might play an important part in determining what sort of creature we will become in later life. (See, for example, “The Role of Parents in Early Childhood Learning” by Susan H. Landry, Children’s Learning Institute, University of Texas Health Science Centre, which was published online in 2008.)

Totally dependent on others, humans, like other mammals and many species, begin their lives in a precarious situation. We all know from our own learning that survival rates have markedly improved with living standards and advancing technology. An exploding world population provides solid evidence for that. So has the chance that the psyches present in adulthood will be healthier. By no means can it yet be said that such is a foregone conclusion.

We accept that our early years on this planet are the period when we consciously concentrate on amassing the information and knowledge that we need to negotiate our passage through life. In earlier times, that formal period of education, now increasingly financed in one way or another by the state, was much shorter than it has now become.

In the end, we often learn much more on the job, after formal education has ended, about what we must know to do our work. Life has become increasingly complicated though and even this learning will not suffice always, as the very nature of work is altered daily. Jobs disappear, never to return, and new skills become imperative.

I was born during the Great Depression. For a good number of years, my father never had a job. I don’t believe he ever had a formal education, arriving in Canada as a young man. Yet, hired as a labourer to feed coal into a boiler furnace, through self-study, he rose to be an engineer solely responsible for a vast industrial complex. He had some book-learning to get his papers, but mostly he learned his stuff from doing his work.

My degrees were in agriculture, but the only planting I ever did was in my home flower garden. I had four jobs in my career, but only one, the first, had any direct relationship with agriculture. Essentially, I became a manager and I never learned anything about doing that kind of work at school. If I learned anything at all during those years, it was certainly by doing things I had to do on the job.

So what is management? It has to do with trying to get thing done through other people. I know there are courses that try to give a head start on learning that, but I never had the good fortune to take any of them. I can’t say I was a good manager, but I certainly learned a lot about what not to do. And I am content that I learned enough to get all my work done well.

The truth is that learning on the job applies to almost everything we challenge ourselves to try and accomplish in life. This applies to parenting and partnering like everything else. This is not news to any of you out there.

What makes our current situation so much more challenging is the rapid rate of change we face in our lives. How can we give advice to our young when they know more about what is happening in our current reality than we can possibly keep up with?

Parenting may be one the most perplexing learning-on-the-job challenges we will face in our lives. And I don’t envy this generation of parents, who find their children more adept at the latest devices in every home than they ever will be. They will have to concentrate on the management skills they will have to pick up to deal with children who know more about important things in the world than they do.

From working to getting along with our partners to parenting and more, it fascinates me how much we have to learn on a continuing basis, throughout our lives.

Max Roytenberg is a Vancouver-based poet, writer and blogger. His book Hero in My Own Eyes: Tripping a Life Fantastic is available from Amazon and other online booksellers.

Like a Fly in Amber première

Judith Chertkow-Levy, left, and Karen Kelm co-star in the musical Like a Fly in Amber, which will be at Sheraton Vancouver Wall Centre Hotel Oct. 19. (photo by Victor Dezso Foto)

The Canadian Association on Gerontology Annual Scientific and Educational Meeting (ASEM) is the highlight of the year for those of us who work, conduct research or have an interest in the field of aging,” said Dr. Gloria Gutman, event co-chair. And, as far as she is aware, “this is the first time in the 47 years that the Canadian Association on Gerontology has been organizing ASEMs that it has included a social or cultural event quite like Like a Fly in Amber. When the organizing committee became aware of it, they got excited. It’s just so topical, given population aging; professional, funny and poignant.

“In today’s world,” she added, “many of us, especially women, can expect to be caregivers of frail elderly parents and/or, if we married partners older than ourselves, of a spouse whose physical and/or mental capabilities may become compromised. It’s the new norm.”

Like a Fly in Amber is a two-person musical about aging written by Karen Kelm, and co-starring Kelm and Judith Chertkow-Levy. It sees its Vancouver première at the CAG meeting on Oct. 19. Both the show and the conference are open to the public.

Among other things, Gutman is past president of CAG and professor and director emerita of the department of gerontology and Gerontology Research Centre at Simon Fraser University.

The ASEM, she said, is “where we learn about and present new ideas on how to improve the quality of life of our elderly population. While other organizations may be concerned with a particular age-related disease, CAG is a multidisciplinary organization that is concerned with the health and well-being of the whole person in the context in which they are living.”

Since CAG is a national organization, said Gutman, “the ASEM is held in different parts of the country as a way to build capacity as well as take advantage of what the different venues have to offer in the way of natural beauty, unique scientific and educational offerings, and culture.”

The conference program includes national and international keynote speakers, she said, noting that, this year, there are two from the United Kingdom, one from the United States and one from Vancouver. Preconference events, she explained, allow for more detailed study of particular topics, such as Reducing Seniors’ Social Isolation Through Collective Impact, which is funded in part by the Government of Canada’s New Horizons for Seniors Program. More than 600 abstracts “have been accepted for presentation within the eight streams of the scientific program which correspond to CAG’s professional membership: behavioural sciences; biological sciences; clinical practice; health sciences; humanities; policy and programs; social sciences; teaching and learning in gerontology.”

Like a Fly in Amber was part of the 2016 Toronto Fringe Festival. “The play revolves around Iris’s writing of a eulogy for her mother while sitting in the attic of the house in which she grew up,” wrote Dr. Carol Herbert, former dean of the school of medicine and dentistry at Western University who now lives in Vancouver, in a review of that production for the Jewish Independent. “She struggles to evoke memories of the person her mother was and to put her personhood into words. The resulting tribute is beautiful.” (See jewishindependent.ca/moving-musical.)

According to the synopsis, Iris returns to the family home the night before her mother’s funeral and “discovers that fiercely independent Grace may have hastened her own demise – accidentally, through stubborn, irrational decisions. Iris reviews the final chapter of their relationship, to make sense of Grace’s kooky self-sufficiency, and find closure.”

Kelm plays Iris, while Chertkow-Levy plays Grace. The two performers met doing Fiddler on the Roof at Theatre Under the Stars in 1975.

photo - Karen Kelm — Karen Kelm *(photo by Victor Dezso Foto)*

“Over 40 years later,” Kelm told the Independent, “we are both enjoying being back onstage together – although I don’t think either of us could have imagined back when she portrayed Tzeitel and I was in the ensemble that she would play my mother one day!”

The two have been close friends since Fiddler. “She would join my family for Jewish holidays and Shabbat dinners and I would sing with her on Christmas Eve at her family gathering,” said Chertkow-Levy. “Although we moved to Toronto and shared an apartment and both pursued music careers, we did not have the opportunity to perform together until 2016. Karen is a gifted songwriter and, when she proposed the idea of doing this show in Toronto, I was thrilled to participate even though I was in San Diego and she was in Victoria.”

In preparation for the 2016 Fringe shows, Chertkow-Levy – who is one of Herbert and Gutman’s sisters – came to Vancouver around Passover for a few days of rehearsal. “Karen joined us for seder at my sister Carol’s home and, at the urging of my sisters, we sang a few bars of one of the songs. The theme of aging resonated with my sister Gloria professionally and with all of us emotionally and she had the idea of doing it sometime at a future convention. The seed of that idea grew and, as this CAG convention was being planned, Gloria felt the show was a good fit.”

photo - Judith Chertkow-Levy — Judith Chertkow-Levy *(photo by Victor Dezso Foto)*

While Kelm and Chertkow-Levy haven’t publicly performed the show since its debut in Toronto, they have continued to work with the material and improve it, said Kelm. “For example, the songs are mostly the same but, in the previous production, we performed to recorded tracks. In this production, we will perform with a live pianist.

“The script for the Fringe production emerged from swapping anecdotes with friends about their mothers,” she explained. “I knew Judy and Gloria’s mother (she ladled a lot of chicken soup down my throat over the years) and we laughed till we cried, remembering some of her best moments and priceless sayings. Judy also knows my mother, who, by the way, tells me it’s OK to poke a bit of fun at seniors because ‘we old folks are funny.’ Whew – she may come to the show this time. But, essentially, the first version of the show aimed to present a series of vignettes with songs attached.

“Of course, some of my mother’s idiosyncrasies show up in the script, but my experience performing for seniors in independent living facilities has taught me that many of the things we thought were unique to our moms are absolutely universal. So, after our first production, I took to heart some of the insightful observations of a couple of reviewers and began to write a more compelling script. The result is tighter, clearer dialogue and stronger dramatic structure surrounding the songs, now beautifully supported by a new score.

“I have always had a clear picture of Grace (the mother) because she is such a wonderful composite character, representing many mother figures whom I loved,” said Kelm. “Iris (the daughter) gave me more trouble, both as a writer and a performer, because, at first, I didn’t want to get too autobiographical. In this version of the script, Iris much more closely represents me than Grace does my mother.”

“As Grace,” said Chertkow-Levy, “I find myself drawing on the memories of wonderful mothers in my life who are no longer with us: my mother and grandmother and Karen’s wonderful Grandma Matthews and Aunt Peggy. And, I picture Karen’s mother and my mother-in-law who are modern ‘little old ladies’ who have embraced technology and surf the Net and are only old by virtue of their age in years. All are and were strong, resilient women who loved life and took aging with a grain of salt – accepted it but didn’t give in to it. I feel honoured to be able to draw on them as inspiration and keep them with me in memory. I hope that my portrayal lives up to that memory.”

Tickets for Like a Fly in Amber can be purchased from cag2018.eventbrite.ca. The price is $40 for the show only and $65 for the show plus flatbread and a beverage. It plays Oct. 19, 7 p.m., in the Grand Ballroom at Sheraton Vancouver Wall Centre Hotel, 1088 Burrard St. For details about the CAG meeting, visit cag2018.ca. There are one-day as well as student and senior reduced registration fees available.

Help dealing with dementia

For anyone who is close to someone with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia, Dr. David Kirkpatrick’s Neither Married Nor Single: When Your Partner Has Alzheimer’s or Other Dementia (Brush Education, 2018) is a must-read. There is so much in it that is critical to know, learn or come to understand about living, loving and letting go of one’s spouse, partner or friend with Alzheimer’s.

Kirkpatrick, a recently retired psychiatrist, has written a rare gem of a book and its message is needed by so many spouses of patients with these dreaded diseases. Kirkpatrick is a widower; his wife, Dr. Clair Hawes, a proponent, educator and practitioner of Adlerian therapy, died only last year from Alzheimer’s. His warm, wise and wonderful book is a map to help family members make it through what is normally uncharted, terrifying and anxiety-filled territory.

Besides the great clarity and pathos with which this book is written, it is a rare book because it is written from the dual perspectives of a psychiatrist and a loving husband in the process of watching his beloved disappear. Kirkpatrick, the psychiatrist, brings much-needed information to help the care-taking spouse understand the complicated medical condition, from getting the right diagnosis to clear descriptions of how dementia manifests, and even understandable explanations of the brain. As a loving husband, he shares the insights gained from others, as well as from his own years of confusion, anxiety, pain and suffering.

The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of the information in this book is also needed by the children of parents suffering from Alzheimer’s or other dementia. If there is no spouse to read it, then children, nephews or nieces, grandchildren or even close friends should read this book.

There are eight chapters – “The Diagnosis,” “Alzheimer’s Disease: A History and an Update,” “Finding Help and Comfort for your AD Partner,” “Care Homes,” “Improving Your AD Partner’s Quality of Life,” “Taking Care of the Caregiver,” “Sexuality and Intimacy” and “Into the Future” – followed by notes and the bibliography.

This small but powerful book takes the reader from the first stages when a spouse or other family member realizes something cognitive is happening to one’s loved one; when a family member begins to know that their loved one’s life is changing for the worse.

With humour, honesty, pathos and the strong voice of man who deeply loved his wife, Kirkpatrick takes the reader on his journey, from before, during and after the diagnosis, to a care home, and all the way to her death.

There are so many quotes that I could share, but space doesn’t allow it. In addition to Kirkpatrick’s words of insight are many important transcripts from other spouses talking with great honesty about their experiences. Every person’s experience in such a situation is partly unique, but it is also fair to say that all of the spouses in the book are on the same road, just getting off at different exits before returning yet again to the main highway leading to the same destination. Kirkpatrick’s special personal and professional voice shines a light to assist readers to see their way.

In Chapter 4, “Care Homes,” after talking about many of the heartbreaking yet life-saving choices a spouse must make on where the Alzheimer’s spouse should live, Kirkpatrick encourages the reader this way: “These are questions that are not always answered quickly or easily, but they must be asked, and the earlier in your shared experience that you do this, the better.” Yet, near the end of the chapter, he writes, “Think it through carefully. Perhaps write down pros and cons. Other than your decision to become partners in the first place, this is the most important decision in all your years together, so take all the time you need.”

One of my favourite quotes from the book is at the beginning of Chapter 6. It is a toast: “Here’s to Aloneness and her second cousin, Loneliness. May we continue to especially savour and enjoy the former without being absorbed by the latter.” And isn’t this yet another way to describe the holy and tragic dance of loving and losing?

While Kirkpatrick writes beautifully as a psychiatrist and as a husband throughout the book, in Chapter 7, “Sex and Intimacy,” he reveals to the reader even greater depths and poignancy. But, every chapter is filled with meaningful advice, guidance and hope.

Finally, a personal note that I’d like to share with you, the reader of this review, and hopefully a future reader of David Kirkpatrick’s book. Besides being a past congregant of mine, David also has been a dear friend for the past 17 years. In addition, before the onset of Alzheimer’s, my wife and I used to go out with David and Clair to dinners and plays. They were one of our favourite couples to see. Watching their dynamic relationship, their sense of humour, their deep shared mutuality and enjoyment was truly an honour. It is, of course, all the more sad knowing what they had and what they lost.

David, already an accomplished psychiatrist and therapist, certainly never wanted to experience such a loss, but he has translated that tragedy into this book. Neither Married Nor Single is a gift to anyone related or close to people with Alzheimer’s, but it is an especially meaningful and helpful gift to spouses suffering on their own.

Rabbi Shmuel Birnham was the rabbi and spiritual leader at Congregation Har El on the North Shore for 16 years. He retired two years ago. Rabbi Shmuel thoroughly loved being Har El’s rabbi and he also completely loves being retired.