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"The Basketball Game" is a graphic novel adaptation of the award-winning National Film Board of Canada animated short of the same name – intended for audiences aged 12 years and up. It's a poignant tale of the power of community as a means to rise above hatred and bigotry. In the end, as is recognized by the kids playing the basketball game, we're all in this together.

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Tag: sex

Supporting gender diversity

Supporting gender diversity

Ara Morris, principal of Brock Corydon School, left, and Naomi Finkelstein, co-founder of Parents Family Friends of Transgender Individuals. (photo from Morris and Finkelstein)

The Winnipeg School Division recently assembled a panel to discuss ways to best support trans and gender diverse children and youth, especially in school settings.

Ara Morris, principal of Brock Corydon School, was invited to sit on the Jan. 22 panel, which took place at Prince Charles Education Resource Centre. “Our school has been very active in talking about gender,” said Morris. “We’ve been making changes to our school as a result of having children in our school who are transgender. We want all of our students, all of our families, to feel included, important, and as equal members of our community and so, to do that, sometimes we have to reflect on the different ways that we are speaking, the different language that we are using.

“We know that many times children identify themselves in all different ways,” she said. “We want to be respectful of that. We have had a lot of professional development for our teachers and that has included programs from the Rainbow Resource Centre,” which offers support, counseling and educational programs for LGBTQ2S+ individuals and allies.

Brock Corydon has invited the parent of a transgender student to speak with school staff, and teachers have led sessions among themselves, as well as having had other teachers come to share how they work on being inclusive in the classroom.

“Our school division has a policy and it was updated in June 2018 for diversity and equity,” said Morris. “With all the research that our school division has been doing, I’d be surprised if other school divisions weren’t doing the same.”

Morris has received many phone calls from other principals asking for suggestions, and she works with parents to identify any needs, such as the need for a gender-neutral bathroom, which the school now has.

Even though full-time staff has been educated on the topic, part-time or causal staff also need to be informed about the proper way for teachers to speak at the school, including the use of gender-neutral language.

Naomi Finkelstein, a retired teacher and the mother of a trans child, was also on the event panel. Finkelstein was dealing with the situation 13 years ago and recalled having tried to find proper supports, which were lacking. She started a support group with another parent, called Parents Family Friends of Transgender Individuals (PFFOTI).

“I had a daughter and, when she was about 20 and a half, she came out and shared that she was transgender,” said Finkelstein. “I knew that this was something I was going to have to get support for, so I went to the Rainbow Resource Centre.”

PFFOTI started out with the two founding members and is now providing support to 170 parents. “Of course, that many do not come to all the meetings and, really, what happens is people kind of grandfather out. Their children are older now, they’ve made their transitions … maybe some have had surgery and they don’t feel the need to attend anymore. We’re always getting new people,” said Finkelstein.

“Our group is specifically for parents,” she continued, “because there are some parents who have just found out and they need the support. And there are always Kleenex boxes on the table. For some parents, it is a real shock.

“I was shocked, too, but I did my crying at home in the shower, which was really very good. There was something, I don’t know why, it was almost like being in a womb, feeling protected in there…. We want the parents to be able to share their fears and concerns; you can’t do that if a child is there.”

Over the years, Finkelstein has developed a list of do’s and don’ts for parents who suspect that their child might be trans.

The do’s list includes respecting your child’s identity and following your child’s lead and listening to them about what trans is all about. Each child is different and there’s no right way to be trans. As Finkelstein pointed out, “some go on hormones, some don’t, and some just dress in what they consider the gender’s clothing.”

The list encourages parents and others to learn about the difference between sex and gender – gender is a social construction, whereas sex is biological.

PFFOTI advises parents to start by helping and educating themselves so they can better help their child. “This involves reading and coming to support groups,” said Finkelstein. “And parents need to take into account if there are other siblings. There can be issues for the other siblings, and they need to be educated, too.”

If the children are minors, parents need to take the lead in setting up doctors’ appointments, buying appropriate clothing, getting haircuts, etc.

“Truly, the key to success is offering the kids your unconditional support,” said Finkelstein. “One of the support groups online, their motto was, ‘Fake it until you make it.’ But, we also talk about what parents need to do within the school system and that they need to advocate for their children. Although the human rights law says that they have rights, not all school divisions are on board. Winnipeg [School Division] 1 is totally on board and they have a process. We need parents to take part in the process and get the school to take part in the process.

“And a critical thing is bathroom talk,” she said. “You have to talk to your child before you go to the administration, so you’re both on the same page as to what the child wants to do. Some schools now have non-gender-specific bathrooms, which is great. I wish every school would have one.

“And then they have to talk to the administration about what their rights are. They should know those rights before they go in.”

Setting up a safe person at the school, with the help of administration, who the child can go to, someone who affirms their identity, if they are having problems, is also important, as is talking about the school’s anti-bullying policy and how that is handled.

“Past the age of 12 and up, you’re also dealing with all these hormones that rage through the child’s body,” said Finkelstein. “So, some kids are going to have to get on blockers to prevent their periods and their breasts from developing, and stuff like that.”

Parents and others must understand that a child’s identification as trans is not likely a passing phase. Although some children identify as trans and later change their mind, that is uncommon. So, do your best to avoid calling your child by their previous name, said Finkelstein.

Parents “really have to make an effort not to misgender,” she said. “Misgendering kind of denies their existence as a person, and that’s a big negative. But, as a parent, if you screw up, you just apologize. I think kids are very understanding about that. As long as you don’t deliberately misgender a child, they are open to the fact that, you’ve had them for 13, or 18, or 20 years, and, yeah, that other name is going to come out. It takes you awhile to reformat.”

Another PFFOTI recommendation is to never out your child – let them do it when they are ready.

“Statistics have proven that, [even] with children who are trans who get support from their parents and their family … four percent commit suicide,” said Finkelstein. “The statistics are much higher – about 45% – for those who do not get support. This past summer, we lost four kids (three in Winnipeg and one who had moved to Vancouver).”

Finkelstein regularly checks in with her son to talk about his mental health and to assure him she accepts him as he is.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Format ImagePosted on March 13, 2020March 12, 2020Author Rebeca KuropatwaCategories NationalTags Ara Morris, Brock Corydon School, education, gender, health, LGBTQ2S+, Naomi Finkelstein, parenting, Parents Family Friends of Transgender Individuals, PFFOTI, sex, transgender, Winnipeg, youth
This week’s cartoon … June 2/17

This week’s cartoon … June 2/17

Format ImagePosted on June 2, 2017May 31, 2017Author Jacob SamuelCategories The Daily SnoozeTags sex, thedailysnooze.com
הזכייה הרגה אותו

הזכייה הרגה אותו

בחודש פברואר של שנת 2006 עת היה בן עשרים וארבע, זכה דניאל קרלי שגר בעיר סנט קתרין בלא פחות מחמישה מיליון דולר, בהגרלת הלוטו של אונטריו לוטו אנד גיימבלינג קורפורשיין. (צילום: Lottery & Gaming Corp. via thestar.com)

במקרה של דניאל קרלי ממחוז אונטריו אפשר להגיד בביטחון שהטפשות מנצחת. בחודש פברואר של שנת 2006 עת היה בן עשרים וארבע, זכה קרלי שגר בעיר סנט קתרין בלא פחות מחמישה מיליון דולר, בהגרלת הלוטו של אונטריו לוטו אנד גיימבלינג קורפורשיין. ואילו עתה בגיל שלושים וחמש ללא דולר בכיסו, חייו השתנו מקצה לקצה והוא נכנס לאחרונה לכלא לשנתיים וחצי על הברחת קראק קוקאין.

את מה שעבר קרלי בעשר השנים האחרונות אפשר לתעד סרט קשה לעיכול, עם פתיחה מבטיחה וסוף נוראי. לאחר הזכייה החליט קרלי לתרום כספים למספר ארגונים בהם, לקרן שאירגנה אירועים לאנשים חולים. משום מה הוא החליט להשאיר את מרבית כספי הזכייה הגדולה שלו בבנק ולהינות מהריבית. חלק לא מבוטל מהכסף הושקע בבר שקרלי פתח. לאחר מספר שנים נולד לו ילד (שכיום הוא בן שבע) מבת זוגתו דאז (כאשר השניים הספיקו בינתיים להיפרד).

באופן מדהים להפליא “הצליח” קרלי לשרוף למעלה ממחצית מכספי הזכייה בתוך השלוש השנים הראשונות, על רמת החיים הגבוהה שלו. בעותה עת במקביל הוא החל להשתמש בסמים קשים בכמות גדולה, עד שהפך למכור לקוקאין והרואין. לטענת עורכת דינו רבים מאלה שהכירו אותו, ניצלו את תמימותו והוציאו ממנו כספים בסכומים גבוהים. הוא פשוט לא ידע כיצד לתנהל עם כספי הזכייה, ובעיקר מול אנשים שהוא לא היה בליגה שלהם. הסוף המר כאמור ידוע וקרלי הסתבך בפלילים לאחר שהבריח קראק קוקאין. זאת כדי לממן את השימוש בסמים הקשים עד לבסוף הוא נתפס. המשטרה ניהלה מעקב אחריו ואחרי שותפיו לפשע במשך כתשעה חודשים, ומצאה שהוא פועל במסגרת ארגון פשע גדול ומוכר באונטריו.

לאחר שנעצר החליט קרלי לעבור הליך ארוך של שיקום וגמילה מסמים קשים. בית המשפט העליון של סנט קתרין פסק לקרלי שנתיים וחצי בכלא. אילו היה לו עבר פלילי העונש היה גבוה עוד הרבה יותר. ועתה כשהוא יושב בכלא הפדרלי בוודאי יש לו מספיק זמן לחשוב כיצד הפך ממיליונר חופשי לחסר כל כלוא. לסרט על קרלי אין סוף הוליוודי.

נסיעה לא שיגרתית: שוטרים עצרו זוג שעשה סקס בזמן נהיגה

לשוטרים בניידת לא היה ברור מדוע המכונית שלפניהם באחד הכבישים הראשיים של ריצ’מונד, לא נוסעת ישר אלא זזה מצד לצד ללא הפסקה. שני השוטרים הגבירו את המהירות והבחינו ששני בני הזוג ברכב יושבים יחד במושב הנהג. ומהתקרבו לרכב הם נדהמו לראות שהם עושים ממש סקס תוך כדי נסיעה. השוטרים הורו מייד נהג לעצור בצד הכביש ולפתוח את החלון. הנהג עצר את רכבו ותוך שהוא מתנשף ומזיע, הוא העביר את בת זוגתו למושב שלידו ופתח בקושי רב את החלון. השוטרים ציינו בדוח שכתבו לאחר האירוע כי הנהג “התקשה להתרכז בנהיגה”. הצעיר בן התשע עשרה קיבל בו במקום קנס גבוה בגובה חמש מאות וחמישים דולר על נהיגה חסרת אחריות, נהיגה ללא חגורה ועל מעשה שאסור ברבים.

בתחנת המשטרה לא זוכרים מקרה יוצא דופן שכזה של נוסעים שעשו סקס תוך כדי נהיגה בכביש ראשי. מפקד התחנה בהודעה לעיתונות הציע לזוגות למצוא מקום פרטי ולא על הכביש לקיוום יחסי מין. בחשבון הטוייטר של המשטרה נכתב בין היתר כי: “אחד השוטרים שלנו עצר זוג שקיים מגע מיני ברכב. הליך קבלת הרשיון ובדיקת זהות הנהג היה ארוך מן הרגיל”.

Format ImagePosted on October 19, 2016October 19, 2016Author Roni RachmaniCategories עניין בחדשותTags Carley, cocaine, driving, lottery, Ontario, police, sex, אונטריו, לוטו, נהיגה, סקס, קוקאין, קרלי, שוטרים
This week’s cartoon … June 17/16

This week’s cartoon … June 17/16

For more cartoons, visit thedailysnooze.com.

Format ImagePosted on June 17, 2016June 16, 2016Author Jacob SamuelCategories The Daily SnoozeTags experiment, science, sex, thedailysnooze.com
Couples need to talk about sex

Couples need to talk about sex

Doreen Seidler-Feller, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who has decided to focus her practice, in part, on the underserved population of Orthodox Jews. (photo from Doreen Seidler-Feller)

While sex is vital to our existence, it remains a topic many people are not comfortable discussing. Yet it is critical that we at least feel comfortable talking about it in private with our partners. It is even more fulfilling if we are able to enjoy the act of it with them, too.

Unfortunately, some newlywed Jewish Orthodox couples find themselves unable to consummate their marriages in an enjoyable way, due to a lack of sexual education and some misguided sexual advice from their peers. Enter sex therapist Doreen Seidler-Feller, PhD, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist who has decided to focus her practice, in part, on the underserved population of Orthodox Jews.

“I’m the last resort for everyone in this area,” Seidler-Feller told the Independent. “Nobody likes to come and face the situation in which they need to talk about something as intimate as their sexuality and their relations with their partners.”

Since people often only go to Seidler-Feller after they have exhausted all the options they can think of to solve the difficulties by themselves, she sees more complicated cases.

“It’s rare that I see a man alone,” she said. “It’s more likely that I’d see a man together with his wife, presenting as a couple, or that I’d see women alone. The reason for this is that, frequently, the problem is identified as theirs [the woman’s]. If it is an issue of painful intercourse or the involuntary contracture of the vaginal musculature that denies entry to the man … any sort of pain condition inside the vaginal vault or inability to tolerate intercourse … it makes sense that she would present alone.”

As treatment progresses, Seidler-Feller brings her patient’s partner into the process, as there is always some bridging required to bring the couple back into harmony and aid in their sexual choreography. Sometimes, the partner, too, may have a problem undiscovered until that point. In that case, his individual problem becomes addressable.

“The issue that causes the greatest anxiety is the inability to consummate marriage – a pain condition and an inability to tolerate insertion are conditions most likely to bring them into treatment,” she said. “These conditions not only deny the couple the opportunity for the mitzvah pru u’rvu [being fruitful and multiplying]. They deny them the opportunity for pleasure, the sensations of adulthood, and related normalcy.”

According to Seidler-Feller, the next most likely causes for seeking treatment are if the man has erection or ejaculation control difficulties, while the least likely cause is a woman being unable to achieve orgasm.

The majority of Orthodox couples and individuals Seidler-Feller sees are between the ages of 21 and 35.

“People, usually women, also sometimes want to come to me to talk about something in their past that they haven’t been able to talk to anyone about, that may be relevant to their sexual dysfunction,” said Seidler-Feller. “In that case, my being a stranger to her – not necessarily part of her community – is a plus, not a minus. That is because usually it enables the patient to maintain a certain kind of anonymity. At the same time, it enables her to raise the question of to what extent an experience of either subtle or outright sexual abuse might be relevant to her sexual difficulty.”

Since the work is so intimate, Seidler-Feller works strictly in person – not over the phone or electronically – partially to challenge the taboo around frank sexual discussion in the Orthodox world. Also, because of the inhibition that exists around both the language and activity involved in human sexuality, one-on-one discussions are most useful.

In a world where oblique language supplies the vocabulary, Seidler-Feller is not a fan of maintaining the status quo. One of her objectives is to train couples to be completely open with each other, to say what they mean and mean what they say.

“They can deal with the rest of the world in euphemism and indirection, that’s fine,” she said, “but I don’t want them, with one another, to talk in euphemistic and inhibited language, as it may lead to difficulties and misunderstandings.”

On the other hand, Seidler-Feller does not advocate the use of clinical or vulgar language. Her intention is simply to help a couple speak clearly to each other, so they can effectively express their desires.

“Once the dysfunction is behind them, they are left with a world of possibilities about how to enact their sexual relationship,” said Seidler-Feller. “Some find, at that stage, that they want to have a more ample, open and variable sexual relationship. For that to be realized, they need to be strong internally and know what they feel and want. This way, they can refer to their experience clearly and can effectively achieve their wishes.”

Seidler-Feller’s treatment is short-term behavior-oriented psychotherapy and involves focused discussion, not actual activity of any sort in a session. Her patients are given a series of exercises designed for them, specifically based on what their diagnostic assessment reveals and what are their halachic (Jewish law), cultural and value considerations. The exercises, which the couple completes in the privacy of their home, are the subject of each session. Usually, the person who has the dysfunction begins by doing self-directed exercises. Later, the couple performs partner exercises together.

“Over the course of the week, I expect my patients to do the exercises three or four times, and journal,” said Seidler-Feller. “Then, they bring back their journals or good memories, as the case may be, and we talk about what they did over the course of the week. And, I put in my two cents about how to enlarge it or differently shape it.”

In this broad way, Seidler-Feller approaches numerous issues wherein primary medical causes have been ruled out or are limited in their effects.

Seidler-Feller would like to see a standardized curriculum in Orthodox day schools.

“I’d like to see Orthodox day schools become more courageous, to face the fact that we live in a modern world where people of all kinds get their sexual information and values from all sorts of places,” she said. “It’s still true that most get information from their peers, which is variable, and, even when the information is good, is never enough.

“A sexual ethic involving a modern Jewish approach to sexual values must be developed to have a chance of captivating the imagination of both young Orthodox men and women, as well as the non-Orthodox. Otherwise, we condemn our young to the values either of the street or the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch [Code of Jewish Law].”

Seidler-Feller sees talking about problems surrounding sex, and giving young people especially a way to think about sex as something that is spiritually and emotionally enriching, is critical. She also thinks it will reduce a lot of personal anguish and marital tension.

“I’d like to see public forums in the Orthodox world, where people like me are invited into synagogues, panels or programs, offering the opportunity to talk about responsible human sexuality in the Jewish context, Orthodox context, in a straightforward, unapologetic way,” said Seidler-Feller. “This could help rabbis in the institutions that have failed us, to the extent that they consider all public discussion on sexuality as somehow immodest and prohibited. My dream is that when they come to the chuppah [marriage canopy] and to the world of marriage beyond, couples are truly prepared.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Format ImagePosted on May 20, 2016May 18, 2016Author Rebeca KuropatwaCategories WorldTags counseling, mental health, Orthodox, sex

Conversation with Dr. Ruth

It was election week in Israel when I had the chance to speak with Ruth Westheimer. Though the noted sex therapist and celebrity Manhattanite served in the Haganah pre-state militia and is planning a trip to Israel in May, she didn’t want to talk politics. “It’s OK,” I told her on the phone, “just know that, as a political scientist, I don’t typically write about sex.”

She giggled in her contagious way, through her thick German accent – which, she told me, she’s lucky to have, since radio listeners always knew when Dr. Ruth was speaking.

Westheimer doesn’t like to talk politics, but in many parts of the world – and even in corners of North America – her topic of choice is a highly politicized issue. While completing her PhD in education and before training as a sex therapist, she worked at Planned Parenthood, an organization positioned on the front lines in the reproductive-choice wars in America.

Indeed, she had just returned from addressing a Planned Parenthood convention in Las Vegas when we spoke a few weeks ago. She said she was adamant that kids need to talk more about menstruation – especially since the onset of puberty is coming earlier for some – and nocturnal emissions. (Side note for the parents out there: My own personal introduction to the topics of periods and wet dreams was through Judy Blume’s excellent books.)

Talking is, of course, key to Westheimer’s trade – and she sees talking about sex as essential to overall sexual literacy. We’ve made great strides, she told me. In the United States and Israel, for example, there are now fewer women who are left unsatisfied due to not being able or willing to communicate their sexual needs to their partner. And, for men, premature ejaculation is also on the decline. Did she want to share advice for readers on that particular problem? It’s in her books, she told me. For those who are interested, I poked around (no pun intended) and found this entry on Dr. Ruth’s online encyclopedia of sex. Hint: It has to do with getting intimate with one’s “moment of inevitability.”

She had some strong words for the founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, a favorite punching bag for postmodern intellectuals. “Freud said that any woman who doesn’t have an orgasm during intercourse is an immature woman,” said Westheimer. “He did not know that the clitoris needs to be stimulated in order to have an orgasm.” Instead, she added, “Freud should have taken a class with me.”

As she prepared to give a talk at the Israel Bar Association convention in Eilat, she said she was keeping in mind a talmudic adage: “A lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained.” She was pleased that after the seriousness of discussing legal matters, the conference delegates will be able to have some fun. But she “probably will not tell them to have good sex that night,” because “I don’t think they are there with their partners. I am old-fashioned and a square, and I’ve remained that way.”

Her squareness extends to trends like casual sex, which, she argues is not in people’s best interest, pointing to the increased risk of contracting HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases: “It’s dangerous.”

Yet, there is one area in which critics might call her politically incorrect: the hot-button issue of seeking overt consent before engaging in sexual activity.

“I do not believe that when partners are naked they can say at any time ‘I changed my mind,’” Westheimer planned to tell the lawyers at the convention. “In the Talmud, they say, when that part of the male anatomy is aroused, the brain flies out of the head.” In other words, she added: “It’s nonsense to suddenly, at the height of sexual arousal, say ‘I changed my mind.’ It will lead to many more problems. The idea of consent is nonsense – except consent before they are naked in bed.”

I didn’t press her on this point, except to ensure I’d heard correctly. But I did pause to mull over the current wave of youthful activism on this topic in my own province of Ontario, where a couple of teen spokespeople have been pushing the premier – with an apparently positive response so far – to add issues of consent to the new sex-ed curriculum.

Approaching 87, Dr. Ruth wants the world to know that she “feels great.” She has three new books coming out and she continues to teach courses at Columbia University, following a stint at Princeton.

What is her proudest accomplishment?

I ask. Her four grandchildren, she tells me. “Hitler lost, and I won.”

Mira Sucharov is an associate professor of political science at Carleton University. She blogs at Haaretz and the Jewish Daily Forward. A version of this article was originally published on haartez.com.

Posted on April 3, 2015April 1, 2015Author Mira SucharovCategories WorldTags Dr. Ruth, Ruth Westheimer, sex
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