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Tag: neighbours

Boundaries are a good thing

The house directly behind ours is for sale. This neighbourhood doesn’t have back lanes, so we look out over their backyard as well. Occasionally, when I’ve stepped outside with the dog, I encounter a family checking out that house’s yard, just beyond my fence. I always call out, smiling, welcome them and say I hope they will be our new neighbours. I’ve had several wonderful interactions, and one that gave me the creeps – the potential buyer, a man in camouflage with a woman trailing behind, left me unsettled. I took my big dog back inside and locked the door.

Our shared back fence needs to be mended. There is a tree, partly on our property, which needs to be trimmed. We never managed to meet the old neighbours, who we hear were seniors who couldn’t manage the upkeep and needed to downsize. We planned to try again to talk to the neighbours about the fence and the tree, but then the For Sale sign went up. Now we await the next occupants.

Overall, we’re delighted with the friendliness of our new neighbourhood. We took our weekend morning dog walk with another neighbour and her baby and participated in our community clean up. It’s a thoughtful place, where we help each other remember the yard waste pickup days or we look out for lost items. Yet fences exist for a reason – not just to keep dogs and kids in the yards, but also to provide us with personal space.

These encounters reminded me of Robert Frost’s famous poem “Mending Wall” and its unforgettable line “Good fences make good neighbours.” This poem (which is available online and worth reading) often springs to mind when I’m considering how to navigate in the world.

Jewish life also has lots of boundaries and reminders for how to order our lives and relationships. This is such a big part of our tradition that it’s hard to offer only one example. There are the ways we read the Torah portion each week, or how we get married or how we bury loved ones, how we are to educate our kids or how we should treat our elders. Our tradition offers us lots of structure and ideas for how we are to behave in a Jewish context.

All this came to mind when talking to a friend about work boundaries, which we’ve both struggled with addressing. She works unpredictable shifts. They sometimes seem assigned at random and she’s worked every weekend in recent memory. Her schedule isn’t dependably the same. There are weeks where she works six days in a row. Other times, she is told to go home early due to lack of work, or has several days off unexpectedly. It becomes very hard to make solid plans, like when I might see her next, or even when she can easily pick up groceries or consistently go to a once-a-week event.

I have a household that thrives on routine. For best success, we plan the heck out of things. If my kids have an afterschool activity and I’m taking them there, I’ve often thought out dinner and gotten it into the slow cooker before I start work in the morning. We have a dog that doesn’t like to be alone, a fair number of household medical appointments, and our old house is still undergoing needed renovations. We parents are spread thin! For me, having an unpredictable work meeting or emergency outing can disrupt this fragile equilibrium. Planning makes everything possible. It’s how I fit in my various paid and volunteer commitments, my kids’ and household needs, and also, I joke, my eating and sleeping.

In most Jewish practices, we’re a people of moderation, things have to be in balance. Like Frost’s poem, sometimes what makes us “good neighbours” are those walls, the boundaries we create to make structures that enable us to cope. We need structure. In religious life, we might call some of those structures rituals or behavioural expectations: derech eretz, how we are to behave towards one another. Whether it’s from the Tanakh (Torah, Prophets and Writings) or from rabbinic teachings, we’ve got a framework that helps us create those metaphoric walls.

Unfortunately, it can be hard to actually maintain our own boundaries when things get out of hand. It’s hard to stand up to a difficult work situation or a bully at school and say, “No, this is out of bounds.” Yet, most of the time, this is what we have to do to maintain our dignity and move forward. Sometimes, we have to remind others that “this isn’t in the job description” or, for kids coping with a bully, “No, I don’t have to respond when you say hurtful things. I can walk away and tell an adult.”

Good boundaries help us become better people, better workers, or even more thoughtful in our Jewish practice. However, it’s hard to find the courage to respond appropriately and draw one’s “line in the sand.”

Today, my twins went to the backyard for raucous playtime with pool noodles. They hopped on and off the deck, sparring with their imaginary swords, as they dueled and chased each other. Much later, right before bedtime, I heard that one of them saw a woman at “that house for sale.” My son demonstrated her expression of distaste as she gazed at them and his bad feeling about it – but my kids were safe in our yard as they played, laughing on our side of the fence.

Setting boundaries for ourselves, or fixing a literal fence, can sometimes mean everything. It may make good neighbours or give us orderly schedules that allow us to more calmly cope with our lives. Staying healthy and promoting our well-being might not always be wrapped up in spa days or vacations. We might promote wellness by saying no when others overstep. We can embrace structures, rituals, traditions or routines that make us feel best, allowing time for pool noodle sword play or a consistent day off work. We need boundaries in all things, work and play, because it’s the good fences that make good neighbours.

Joanne Seiff has written regularly for CBC Manitoba and various Jewish publications. She is the author of three books, including From the Outside In: Jewish Post Columns 2015-2016, a collection of essays available for digital download or as a paperback from Amazon. Check her out on Instagram @yrnspinner or at joanneseiff.blogspot.com.

Posted on May 12, 2023May 11, 2023Author Joanne SeiffCategories Op-EdTags boundaries, Judaism, lifestyle, neighbours
Festive candlelighting

Festive candlelighting

Left to right, Vancouver Mayor Kennedy Stewart,  MP Taleeb Noormohamed and MLA George Heyman light the chanukiyah. (photo by Jocelyne Hallé)

The Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver (JCCGV), the Centre for Israel and Jewish Affairs (CIJA), and the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs Committee (CJPAC) welcomed elected officials representing all levels of government and political parties, as well as other distinguished guests, to light a candle on the first night of Chanukah, Nov. 28.

Member of Parliament Taleeb Noormohamed (Vancouver-Granville) spoke on behalf of the Government of Canada. Member of the Legislative Assembly George Heyman (Vancouver-Fairview) and MLA Melanie Mark (Vancouver-Mount Pleasant) were joined by MLA David Eby (Vancouver-Point Grey), and they presented remarks from the government of British Columbia, while MLA Michael Lee (Vancouver-Langara) spoke on behalf of the Official Opposition. Vancouver Mayor Kennedy Stewart also said a few words.

photo - Left to right: MLA George Heyman, Jewish Federation CEO Ezra Shanken, MLA David Eby and MLA Melanie Mark
Left to right: MLA George Heyman, Jewish Federation CEO Ezra Shanken, MLA David Eby and MLA Melanie Mark. (photo by Jocelyne Hallé)

JCCGV board chair Alvin Wasserman led the ceremony, with Rabbi Stephen Berger and two students from King David High School guiding the candlelighting. Vancouver klezmer band Tzimmes performed classic Chanukah music, with people of all ages singing and clapping along.

The celebration took place under one of the tents of the JCCGV Chanukah Market. A highlight was singing the blessings with each of the guests, many of whom were lighting a chanukiyah for the first time.

photo - Vancouver Park Board commissioner Tricia Barker, left, CIJA Pacific Region chair Geoffrey Druker and Vancouver city councilor Sarah Kirby-Yung
Vancouver Park Board commissioner Tricia Barker, left, CIJA Pacific Region chair Geoffrey Druker and Vancouver city councilor Sarah Kirby-Yung. (photo by Jocelyne Hallé)

The evening was geared around sharing the Chanukah experience with neighbours, bringing light to darkness and sharing Jewish customs. It was also a way to join together with others at the JCCGV, as it continues to plan for its redevelopment. Many of the leaders lighting candles with the Jewish community on Nov. 28 – both at the JCCGV and at the Lubavitch BC chanukiyah lighting in downtown Vancouver – share in the work and support of this community project.

Debbie Setton Tabenkin and the JCCGV programming and leadership teams created the Chanukah Market’s festive space and the JCCGV’s Chanukah programs were financially supported by a Canada Heritage grant. Many volunteers helped CIJA and CJPAC organize the candlelighting ceremony.

For more information, visit cija.ca, cjpac.ca and jccgv.com.

– Courtesy CIJA, CJPAC and JCCGV

Format ImagePosted on December 17, 2021December 16, 2021Author CIJA, CJPAC and JCCGVCategories Celebrating the HolidaysTags Canadian Jewish Political Affairs Committee, Centre for Israel and Jewish Affairs, CIJA, CJPAC, education, interfaith, JCC, JCC Chanukah Market, Jewish Community Centre, neighbours, politicians
Community lights shine

Community lights shine

Richmond Mayor Malcolm Brodie speaks to those assembled at RJDS’s Celebration of Light event. (photo by Adele Lewin Photography)

Richmond Jewish Day School is on No. 5 Road, which has been named the “Highway to Heaven” because it is home to more than 30 places of worship, education and cultural practice. The temples, churches and religious schools all celebrate light during the winter season and RJDS’s Celebration of Light event celebrated the diversity within the school and throughout Richmond.

photo - Jewish Federation chief executive officer Ezra Shanken lights the chanukiyah
Jewish Federation chief executive officer Ezra Shanken lights the chanukiyah. (photo by Adele Lewin Photography)

On the last night of Chanukah, Dec. 5, RJDS hosted a night of coexistence, unity and light. After parking at the India Cultural Centre, folks aged 5 to 70 lined up at the entrance as the school gym filled with excitement. The night moved through hopeful speeches given by Ezra Shanken, chief executive officer of the Jewish Federation of Greater Vancouver; Rabbi Yechiel Baitelman of Chabad Richmond; Rabbi Susan Tendler from Beth Tikvah Congregation; Richmond Mayor Malcolm Brodie; and Richmond City Councilor Bill McNulty. The words “bridges,” “freedom,” “unity,” “light” and “together” echoed. Also in attendance were city councilors Andy Hobbs and Alexa Loo, showing their support.

photo - RJDS Choir sings
RJDS Choir sings. (photo by Adele Lewin Photography)

The RJDS Choir sang classic Chanukah songs, including a piece that called upon the audience to “celebrate our light,” and the school’s Israeli dancers showcased two Israeli dances.

photo - RJDS students perform an Israeli dance.
RJDS students perform an Israeli dance. (photo by Adele Lewin Photography)

The voices of RJDS’s neighbours were also heard. The school sent the question out to the community asking what “light” means to them during this holiday season. Each response had a different point of view, however, at the core, every answer reflected on hope, optimism, knowledge, community, compassion, joy, openness, anticipation and the goodness in humanity. Respondents included Navshina Savory from the Richmond School District, Umran Bhatti from the Ahmadiyya Muslim community, Balwant Sanghera from Gurdwara Nanak Niwas (and chair of the Highway to Heaven Association), Edward James Wong from St. Monica Parish Roman Catholic Church, Baha’i community representatives, and Russ Klein and Rabbi Stephen Berger from King David High School. They all had thoughtful insights and their participation was appreciated, as was that of everyone who spoke at, attended and otherwise contributed to this event.

On their way out, guests could help themselves to coffee, water and Chanukah delights like latkes, sufganiyot and other fried goods. The night ended with hearts filled with the warmth that unity, a strong community and good food on a cold winter night can bring.

– Courtesy RJDS

Format ImagePosted on December 17, 2021December 16, 2021Author Richmond Jewish Day SchoolCategories Celebrating the HolidaysTags Chanukah, Highway to Heaven, interfaith, neighbours, politicians, RJDS

A little magic is important

Imagine facing a drought. Approximately 2,000 years ago, the rabbis in the Babylonian Talmud felt that calling for a fast day might alleviate it. In the talmudic tractate of Taanit, the main issue is that of when, why and how a fast day could be called. Yet, also in Taanit, we’re introduced to Honi HaMe’aggel, or Honi, “the circle maker.”  There’s some indication that means he could have been a roofer, as this was a tool they used, but, in this tractate, Honi is like a miracle maker.

When Honi is called on by his community to pray for rain, he doesn’t fast. He draws a circle on the ground, stands within it, and says he will not move until it rains. He has some stops and starts. At first, the rain is very light and then, when he prays for more rain, it becomes too heavy. He creates what amounts to a flood, because, previously, the talmudic rabbis have suggested one should never pray to stop the rain. That is, when it’s raining, we are to be grateful, even if it’s too much rain.

The rabbis describe Honi as someone who is like a kid bargaining with and demanding things from his father – but his father is G-d. This infuriates the rabbis, but, at the same time, they are grateful for the rain. In Taanit, page 19a, Shimon ben Shetah, head of the Sanhedrin (rabbinic court) says: “Were it not Honi, I would have decreed that you be ostracized, but what can I do to you?”

Call it what you will, Honi’s magic or miracles or unconventional approach worked. Maybe it was too much rain, but he made it happen. His technique didn’t require formal schedules for fasting or abstaining from work or sex. He was willing to talk directly to the most powerful presence and demand results. He talked turkey and worked outside the system.

Even today, there are lots of parallels to this. Maybe the Sanhedrin’s rabbis don’t rule our world, but our politicians and government infrastructure do. Maybe, too, there are “miracle makers” who work outside of the normal routines in our midst. The rabbis’ approach to things was very rule-bound, but they left room for the fact that we’re human and that, sometimes, other approaches might work.

I recently was invited to an outdoor neighbourhood get-together. My partner wanted to nix it at first as it went without saying that every gathering is risky these days due to COVID. Yet, everyone kept the rules and safety in mind from the first. The organizers scanned everyone’s vaccination status – open to vaccinated people and their kids only. The party was outside. Masks and social distancing were required.

This was our first in-person party since March 2020 and I felt apprehensive. Oddly, the entire encounter reminded me of the rabbis’ need for order and Honi the Circle Maker. Most, if not all, of those attending the gathering lived in houses built long ago and the conversations in many cases revolved around old home repair and refurbishment.

As I kept track of my twins, who played in the snow, climbed into a tree house, checked out the river bank, chased a dog and checked out fire pits, I eased into and out of conversations where I heard so much about how we can informally help each other out. Offers of tools, assistance on projects or just commiserating about weird past renovation discoveries floated through the air. I also heard people sharing stories about loved ones, catching up, and meeting new babies.

Honi worked under adverse weather conditions. It was a drought, and then it was a flood, and he still stood in that self-made circle. It’s not an exaggeration to say that a safe COVID-era get-together in December in Winnipeg is also not ideal. It was -8°C when we arrived at the party, -11°C when we left two hours later. A front came through, so the winds meant it felt colder. We were bundled up and still enjoyed ourselves. That said, I won’t lie, I couldn’t feel my toes and my husband slipped on ice on our way back to our car. We were extremely grateful to go home and enjoy central heat as the temperature dropped below -20°C and the wind chill fell to -32°C. Our kids fell into bed with exhaustion that night.

Rabbis (and neighbours) know that magic can be made sometimes by people who aren’t completely paralyzed by the rules but use them to make change. We broke our “long fast” when it came to parties and joined together with others for a social event. It felt just like when it rains and breaks a drought.

As we well know, sometimes it’s way too much rain or too much unpredictability. I wouldn’t want to always rely on Honi for rainfall or on pop-up neighbourhood gatherings to fix all our socializing or old house repair needs. However, there’s something rich and meaningful in those snippets and exchanges. There’s a bit of hope, magic and discovery as we make connections in person, with people who share our interests.

The rabbis marked victories, milestones, holidays, weather and lifecycle events with prescribed rituals that took lots of preparation and work. To some extent, this saved Judaism after the fall of the Temple and made it work for thousands of years. Meanwhile, they lived in a time when magic, soothsayers, idols and false prophets existed, too. Our lives dangle somewhere in between. There was magic in that first social gathering, the friendliness and possibility. It accompanied the knowledge that the people at that party, who choose these older Victorian or Craftsman homes, are comrades in a way. They physically do a lot of the hard restoration work, too.

As we dangle between 2021 and 2022, here’s hoping that your secular new year is both one of safety within the rules and a bit of magic, too.

Joanne Seiff has written regularly for CBC Manitoba and various Jewish publications. She is the author of three books, including From the Outside In: Jewish Post Columns 2015-2016, a collection of essays available for digital download or as a paperback from Amazon. Check her out on Instagram @yrnspinner or at joanneseiff.blogspot.com.

Posted on December 17, 2021December 16, 2021Author Joanne SeiffCategories Op-EdTags COVID, Honi, magic, neighbours, pandemic, Talmud
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