JCFS

Addiction a risk for all

Left to right: Lisa, Jacob and Richard Hillman. (photo from Lisa Hillman)

“I had a fairly demanding and public position in the health system. I was president of our hospital foundation, had a very large board of about 25 people and a staff of about a dozen people. We were raising a lot of money to build a new hospital campus at the time, and so I was very public and very out and about. And, my fear was, as sick as it is to say today, that, if somebody would find out that my son had a drug problem, what would that say about me? What kind of mother could I be? What kind of person was I if I had a son who was using illicit drugs?” Lisa Hillman, author of Secret No More: A True Story of Hope for Parents with an Addicted Child, told the Independent.

“That was my feeling at the time,” she said. “I was not at all prepared to have addiction in my household. I was both ashamed and terrified at the same time.”

Hillman and her now-sober son, Jacob, shared their story at a Jewish Child and Family Service (JCFS) event at Congregation Shaarey Zedek in Winnipeg late last year.

Lisa and Richard raised their family in Annapolis, Md. Jacob was in high school when they found out he was using drugs. With almost 40 years of experience in the healthcare industry and being the healthcare decision-maker for the family, Lisa was determined to help Jacob overcome his addiction, while also keeping it a secret.

Like many others, however, she learned the hard way, after a couple of years, that this was not something she could fix. Although she held out hope that Jacob’s use of drugs was just a normal coming-of-age rite of passage, like trying cigarettes or alcohol, and that he would return to being the high-achieving person she knew him to be, that is not what happened.

“At first, we had him evaluated,” said Hillman. “I asked him if he would see a psychologist. He said ‘yes.’ He had bi-weekly meetings with a psychologist. At one point, my son gave me permission to talk to him – Jacob asked me, ‘If he tells you I’m alright, will you get off my back?’ And, I said, ‘sure.’

“This was when he was still in his senior year of high school. I visited with the psychologist, who said to me, ‘I told your son to smoke a little less.’”

Jacob was arrested during a holiday week after graduation, and the situation became more serious. As the family worked to get Jacob help, he resisted it, as addicts often do.

“The question I always get is, ‘How do you get them to accept treatment if they don’t want it?’” said Hillman. “I wish I had an answer for that. What we did with our son is finally say to him, ‘Jacob, you have a choice. You can continue to use, but you can’t live under our roof, or Dad and I will pay for inpatient treatment.’ Fortunately, he accepted inpatient treatment.

“Keep in mind, I’m very blessed,” she added. “I had some insurance and other resources. We were able to afford to send him someplace, which I know a lot of families can’t afford to do. I’m very, very lucky.”

The Hillmans found a place in Maryland, because Jacob did not want to leave the state. The place seemed to be very lovely and spiritual. They were hopeful he would get better there. But, after 12 days, the Hillmans visited their son and Lisa knew he had been using. Sure enough, the next day, Jacob’s counselor asked them to come pick Jacob up, that Jacob could no longer stay there.

“We brought him home to Annapolis,” Lisa Hillman said. “He entered the addiction treatment centre inpatient [program] that is part of my health system, where I was then and am still today, on the board. So, my drive for anonymity in this situation was about to crumble. The counselor my son was seeing said to me, ‘You have to tell somebody at work.’ So, I told my boss, the CEO of the hospital, and he was very empathetic and extremely understanding.”

Jacob went in for two weeks, after which the counselors suggested the Hillmans allow him to go to Florida for continued treatment, where he could live in a sober living house and continue to get outpatient treatment.

“The day he left, the counselor said to me, ‘Your son is going to have his program. What are you going to do for yourself?’” said Hillman. “My immediate reaction was that the counselor must have had 10 hits too many, because I didn’t have an addiction. I wasn’t the sick one, my son was the sick one. And yet, I realized I was crying all the time, I was obsessed with where he was and I couldn’t go to sleep at night until I knew he was home.

“I was isolated, I was depressed,” she said. “I wasn’t sharing anything with family and friends. So, I tried Al-Anon. And, from my very first time, I realized I’d [found] a home. These people understood me and were going through the same thing. I wasn’t alone anymore. I had people around me who got it and who were going through the same thing. Meanwhile, my son was in Florida and was getting better.”

Midway through that first year, Jacob had a minor relapse and told his parents about it over the phone. In that conversation, his mother said to him, “Jacob, we love you. Thank you for being honest and telling us. Please take care of yourself. You’re the only one who can.’ And Jacob replied, “Mom, thank you. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

Hillman recalled, “Pre-Al-Anon, I would have been on the phone screaming at him, angry. Fast-forward another six months, and he has another much more serious situation. We were told, ‘Your son needs detox.’ He was using heroin IV, a horrible scenario. So, we were asked to pay for a third inpatient treatment centre.

“I remember clearly asking the counselor, ‘How many times do we have to pay for this?’ And he said, ‘Tell your son that this is the last time.’ So, we did and, at the time, we did mean it, really. This was the last time we’d pay for him to have inpatient treatment.”

Although Hillman cannot say for sure that this ultimatum is what did it, Jacob stayed there for 100 days. After that, he moved, got a job and stayed for six months in a sober house. He kept the job for several years and eventually moved into an apartment. He has been active in AA ever since and has been clean for almost eight years.

Hillman has continued going to Al-Anon. She asked her husband to come with her and try it out at least once. They went to a different meeting than she had been going to. “We walked into the room and there were two couples who we know really well,” she said. “Both of them had children with similar problems and we had no idea. We’ve been going to that same meeting now for almost nine years, every Thursday night.

“That first meeting was a huge relief,” she said. “I couldn’t speak at the first meeting. I couldn’t open my mouth, with lips quivering as I cried. They let me cry. Other people at that meeting cried. And I heard a phrase that night, that I think really guided me: ‘Detach with love’ – meaning you have permission to detach from your loved one’s problems, that you’re not responsible for them, that you can’t fix their problems, but that you still love them.”

Hillman realized, over time, that Jacob would have to find his own way and that she couldn’t enable him by sending money or paying for things for him. “But, we never stopped loving him the whole way, the whole time,” she said.

As she healed, Hillman felt the desire to write a book about her experiences. She asked her son for permission to publish it.

“The reason for writing it was, I knew there were other families in hiding and ashamed, and that shame and fear just makes it worse,” she said. “It makes it worse for you if you love someone in addiction, and it doesn’t help the person with addiction. The whole purpose in writing this was to help particularly other moms and dads and sisters and brothers and boyfriends and aunts and uncles and grandfathers who I knew were sort of in hiding and had secrets and weren’t sharing – giving them hope that they can do it, too.

“Don’t hide,” she stressed. “Find professional help for yourself. My message is not to those with addiction, it’s to those who love people with addiction. My son says, ‘Mom, remind people that this is your story. Not mine.’

“If you have somebody in your life that is using or drinking, please go get help for yourself,” she said. “If one person in the family can get healthy and understand addiction, boundaries, and how to take care of themselves, then it will affect the rest of the family.

“That’s what happened in our family. I got stronger, my husband got stronger. Jacob saw that we were trying to understand him, that we were trying to get ourselves right again. He was getting better and we had a common language.”

Hillman said, “I think people who recover from an addiction and somehow live every day clean and healthy, year after year after year, to me, they are the most amazing, profound people. My son has become just an astonishingly profound young man and I’m very, very proud of him.

“I think that Judaism hasn’t helped us here today,” she added. “I think it’s getting better, but, looking back on it, part of my shame was that this doesn’t happen to Jews. We’re smart, educated, driven, are achievers, we don’t have addiction – but that’s not true.”

The Nov. 25 event with the Hillmans was sponsored by the JCFS and Gray Academy of Jewish Education. Panelists included an addictions physician, a therapist and an Addictions Foundation of Manitoba consultant on youth.

“Recovery is individual. There is no single treatment that works for everyone. There is no easy fix, like there is no single cause. It’s a combination of factors,” said Ivy Kopstein of the JCFS. “As a community, we need to end stigma and judgment, and replace it with compassion and understanding so we have no need for secrets anymore.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

S Word changes perceptions

Craig Miller in a shot from the documentary The S Word, which screened for the first time in Western Canada on March 22 in Winnipeg. (photo from MadPix, Inc.)

Jewish Child and Family Service of Winnipeg (JCFS) partnered with the Suicide Prevention Network and the Jewish Federation of Winnipeg’s Young Adult Division to show the documentary The S Word for the first time in Western Canada. The screening took place March 22 at the JCC Berney Theatre, and the event’s aim was to help put a stop to the silence surrounding the subject of suicide.

“Suicide is widespread and affects all age groups and communities,” said Carli Rossall, JCFS addictions and mental health caseworker. “There are many ‘S words’ that reinforce the behaviour around suicide, such as silence, stigma, shame and struggle. The hope is to turn this around into S words such as support, survival, sharing and solutions.”

Rossall has taken the lead in organizing this project, along with Cheryl Hirsh Katz, JCFS manager of adult services, and Shana Menkis, JCFS director of operations.

JCFS is a member of the Suicide Prevention Network, which is a group of agencies and individuals committed to enhancing the mental wellness and quality of life of people in Winnipeg, preventing suicides and supporting those bereaved by suicide.

“I think our goal with this [event] was to begin to create a safe space within the community where topics like suicide can be freely and openly discussed,” said Rossall. “Staying silent doesn’t make an issue cease to exist. Suicide is a reality in our community as it is in all communities. Healing requires openness, acceptance and dialogue. The more we talk about these things, the more fluency we develop when it comes to hard conversations, [and] the better equipped we all are to support one another.”

“Bringing this film to our city and specifically to this community,” Hirsh Katz added, “will hopefully give a voice to this problem and put a face to the solution.”

The S Word aims to open the conversation surrounding suicide. Its director, Lisa Klein, is a survivor of both her father’s and her brother’s suicides. In the film, she wanted to show the voices of those who survived suicide attempts, as well as others, to provide an honest portrayal of the thoughts and feelings surrounding suicide. She further wanted to provide positive messaging.

“It’s an outstanding collection of stories that, unlike other films on the same subject, shines a light on hope,” said Klein. “It talks about language, relationships, relapses in mental health, and about how recovery is rarely a straight trajectory. It’s very real and raw. I consider it to be one of the best mental health documentaries I’ve ever seen … unique in its approach to an otherwise familiar topic.

“We hear about suicide epidemics, about over- and under-medicating, about the bereaved when it comes to suicide in the community, but, rarely do we hear from survivors. Frankly, I don’t know if ‘survivor of suicide’ is a concept most people even know exists.”

photo - Carli Rossall, Jewish Child and Family Service of Winnipeg addictions and mental health caseworker, at the information table on March 22 — Carli Rossall, Jewish Child and Family Service of Winnipeg addictions and mental health caseworker, at the information table on March 22. (photo from JCFS)

“Loss is never easy to talk about,” said Rossall. “But, when loss gets tied together with morality, as suicide often does, an added layer of stigma exists. Anything that challenges our definition of ‘right,’ ‘moral’ or ‘normal’ tends to make us uncomfortable – and it often makes people look to blame.

“Generally,” she said, “people who have thoughts of suicide suffer from intense psychological pain, where there is a feeling of hopelessness, isolation, and no alternative. The reasons for this can vary, from those experiencing mental health challenges or physical illness, to those who have experienced trauma, are struggling financially or have addictions. The rise in suicide rates may be due to life’s increasing pressures and complex circumstances.”

It was in her late teens that Klein lost her father and then, three months later, her brother, to suicide.

“It’s something that obviously is a huge part of my life, my existence, and it wasn’t something that right away I knew what I’d do with,” said Klein. “It affected me greatly. I really didn’t know who to talk to. That was a big part of why I did this film, because it’s so difficult to talk to people when you’ve lost people. They don’t know what to say to you.

“When I came out to L.A. and went to graduate school, I did a film prior to this one…. We started to do documentaries. We did one on bipolar personalities and, when we did that one, we had someone who was in the film who had lost their daughter to suicide. I thought, OK, I’ve dealt with this. And then, almost immediately, I realized that I actually hadn’t. I thought it was time to do something, because people weren’t, and aren’t, talking about it enough, not talking about it responsibly.”

As Klein began researching the topic, she found a large community of people dealing with suicide – so great a number that they were holding conventions in the United States about it. Klein found this resource helpful when it came to finding specific stories to include in her film.

While The S Word is not yet widely available, Klein has worked to get the message across through teachers, mental health professionals and survivors. And she created a toolkit that is on the movie’s website that anyone can access to find ways to bring the message to their communities.

“We’ve signed with an educational distributor and eventually it will be available – probably in the late fall…. We want to help open the conversation, for sure,” said Klein. “We want people to feel less alone, like they’re not the only ones going through this. And we want people to know that they can be there for somebody else, too. Also, to know that, if you, yourself, are struggling, there are people to talk to.

“A lot of times, what can really kill people, what can drive people to this is the silence or the hopeless feeling of being alone – feeling that they have nobody to talk to, and the stigma and shame keep people from talking about it.

“We see this also in the rape culture and the whole #MeToo movement,” she added. “People who were so afraid to talk are now coming forward. And it’s so important to be able to do this. We want to be part of that conversation.”

Klein invited everyone to visit the film’s website – theswordmovie.com – for more information and to watch the many interviews conducted with suicide survivors that did not make it into the film (click on the “#SWordStories” link). She further encouraged people to send in written stories about their own experiences to the website.

In Winnipeg, JCFS is ready to help anyone in need, via their active mental health services program for the Jewish community and counseling services that are open to the general public. In Vancouver, Jewish Family Services is also ready to help.

“Through these supports, there are opportunities for individuals and families to address their concerns, feelings related to suicide, and other issues on a proactive basis,” said JCFS’s Hirsh Katz. “There are also several other community-based agencies in Winnipeg that provide both crisis and non-crisis work with suicide. The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention is a nationwide organization dedicated to offering support. Livingworks Education Inc. is a leading provider of suicide intervention training through various workshops – the training is focused on identifying, speaking and intervening with people who have thoughts of suicide, and it is invaluable for individuals ages 15 and over who want to help people be safer from suicide.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Grandparent parents

This past summer, the topic of grandparents parenting their grandchildren was front and centre at the Jewish Child and Family Services Winnipeg (JFCS) annual general meeting. The Independent spoke recently with a couple of the participants in the June event.

Corinne Ackerman, 73, was joined by her husband, Harvey, 75, at the AGM. The couple has two grown children – a son who lives and works in Auckland, New Zealand, and a daughter who lives in Winnipeg. Seven years ago, their daughter’s family began experiencing difficulties, to the point that Manitoba Child and Family Services (CFS) became involved.

“Harvey and I were aware there were problems in their home, but we didn’t know how bad,” Corinne told the Independent. “We got a phone call from our daughter, saying that CFS was coming to the school to apprehend their three boys. And, of course, when I heard that, I just was absolutely stunned…. I grabbed my car, went to the school and met the social worker. I said, ‘You’re not taking them. I’m their grandmother and they are coming with me.’”

Everyone ended up at CFS, which then evaluated the possibility of the Ackermans taking charge of their grandsons. “They came to our apartment. They checked it,” said Corinne.

By that evening, all three boys were with their grandparents in their apartment. However, said Corinne, “We had them here with us for about 10 to 12 weeks. They [CFS] wouldn’t let us keep them. You can’t have three children in a two-bedroom apartment.

“At that point, friends of mine … and even the principal at the kids’ school called me … and said to call JCFS. It took a lot for me to do that. You become so embarrassed. Harvey and I were just mortified.

“I did, and God bless Emily Shane [who was then at the helm of JCFS]. She sent workers and the process began. They found a foster home for the three boys, but it very quickly deteriorated. It was just awful.”

Ian, now 14, the youngest, was having the most trouble. He also needed some major dental work. All of those involved decided it would be best if Ian went back to live with his grandparents. Ian’s brothers are now 18 and 20.

“I don’t even remember how it all happened, but the agreement was, the boys were going to another foster home and Ian would stay with us,” said Corinne. “And he’s been with us now since he was 7 years old.”

The Ackermans have made a point of assuring Ian that his parents and brothers love him.

“I think that he knows that he’s loved and that we still love his mom, dad and brothers,” said Corinne. “Ian would like to be home with his mom and dad if it was possible. But, I think he’s pretty happy here. And, for as long as he needs us to be here, we are going to try to take care of him.”

While there were some hurt feelings within the family when all of this happened, of course, everyone has made amends for Ian’s sake. They all speak regularly, and Ian visits his mom and dad regularly.

When asked about the difference between raising your own kids versus raising your grandchildren, Corinne said, “Well, when you raise your grandchildren, you get a better appreciation for the love you have. I love my daughter, I love my son, I love my in-laws, but you love your grandchildren on a different level, and we just adore Ian. At times, he’s very difficult, but at times, he’s an absolute blessing.”

The Ackermans have had to realign their lives in order to parent their grandson. It was a drastic change and they depend on JCFS for respite.

“We are not people who go out all the time, but it does cut down on the freedom to do so,” said Corinne. “But, we’re OK with that. Ian is important enough to us that it’s worth it.

“Ian has some challenges in school and that makes it quite difficult for any parent. We’ve done our best to get him the help he needs, and I can say that JCFS has been fabulous. Ian had a reading clinician, as he had a little speech impediment, and now it’s gone. JCFS has been wonderful with whatever Ian has needed.

“There are issues when a child is taken from their parents, and issues before that, and they’ve been very helpful throughout,” she continued. “As far as Harvey and I, when I really have it up to my head … I’ll give the social worker a call and she’s always there to help and give advice.

“Ian is the most invaluable young man because, whatever we do for him, he does back for us tenfold. He’s a wonderful kid. A million foster homes are wonderful, but family is family and there’s a difference.”

The other panelist at the JCFS AGM was Karla Berksen, 73, who also took in her two grandchildren seven years ago. Berksen was awarded custody because her daughter was unwell and her husband could not care for the kids.

Berksen and her partner of many years, Arthur Chipman, took in the children when Paige was 4 and Jacob was 8. At the time, Berksen was a newly retired financial planner and was spending part of her winters in Mexico.

“My daughter was still alive when I got the kids,” Berksen told the Independent. “She wasn’t a very well person, so we spent a lot of time with her. When they came to me, they were just dropped off. Arthur’s been quite amazing, because people my age don’t think this is something they want to do for their retirement. But, this is what we’re doing, although Arthur is still working.”

Both children attended and graduated from Brock Corydon School’s Hebrew immersion program. “Jacob had his bar mitzvah two years ago and Paige will have her bat mitzvah in March,” said Berksen.

“I feel very grateful to have the kids. It makes me a little tired sometimes. But, as I said at the JCFS AGM, I’ve only had two anxieties in my whole life. One was nine months after I stopped smoking – I had an anxiety attack realizing I wasn’t going to have a cigarette again. The other one happened a couple years after I got the kids, and I realized that I’m going to have teenagers again. That’s my biggest fear – going through the teen years again. You can only build them up, but they have to take charge and you never know what will happen.”

Berksen said both of her grandchildren are very talented. Her grandson is a gifted musician who is self-taught on the saxophone, drums, guitar and piano, with plans to one day become a studio musician and music teacher; he also enjoys playing hockey. Berksen’s granddaughter loves the arts and curling. Both kids spend part of their summers at Camp Massad.

Although Berksen hopes one day to again spend time in Mexico, her current priority is to raise her grandchildren up through their university studies. “I don’t see it as my life being on hold,” said Berksen. “This is it. This is my life and I enjoy it for the most part. I enjoy watching these two kids grow up. They keep me alive and busy.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Illness, not weakness

Can We Talk About … event committee, left to right: Karen Dana (event co-chair), Jenn Ritter (event co-chair), Harriet Zimmer, Rietta Floom, Einat Paz-Keynan (JCFS staff), Meytal Lavy (JCFS staff), Michael Landsberg, Sherry Lercher-Davis, Randee Pollock (JCFS staff), Danita Aziza (JCFS board chair), Pam Vine, Tara Greenberg and Jill Atnikov. (photo from Jewish Child and Family Service Winnipeg)

On Nov. 3, as part of Jewish Child and Family Service Winnipeg’s series Can We Talk About …, TSN celebrity Michael Landsberg spoke about Darkness and Hope – Depression, Sports and Me.

Landsberg has suffered from anxiety for as long as he can remember, and depression for the past 18 years.

“In 2009, I spoke about it publicly for the first time,” Landsberg shared with those gathered at Shaarey Zedek Synagogue. “I told everybody I knew. I just hadn’t used the platforms available to me to discuss it [until then], because I didn’t think it was relevant to anyone’s life.

“One day, when I was, by chance, interviewing someone who had suffered from depression, I asked him about it. I commented that I, too, had suffered. The next day changed my life.”

Landsberg received emails from people saying that the interview had been the first time they had heard two men discussing their struggles with depression; in particular, without sounding embarrassed or seeming weak.

“Because of that, they said their lives were changed,” said Landsberg. “Since that moment, I’ve tried to do exactly the same thing over and over again in as many venues as I can, including in Winnipeg.”

Landsberg tries to find ways to bring the topic to the fore whenever he feels it’s appropriate or thinks he has the opportunity to make a difference, whether it’s a public talk he’s headlining or a discussion on radio, TV or the internet.

“Every time I say I suffer from this illness and I’m not ashamed, embarrassed or weak, it changes someone’s life,” he said. “My coming out gave a purpose to this illness. It allowed me to take this poison that’s been inside me, that’s detracted from my life…. It allowed me to help someone else … so my poison is someone else’s medicine. That makes me feel good and makes me feel like I have a place in the world other than the one I was occupying before.”

According to Landsberg, before going public, his level of contribution to society was neutral, like most people’s. But, since coming out and talking about how his depression makes him feel and how it robs his self-confidence and self-esteem – yet he’s not ashamed of it – he’s no longer neutral.

“I think what I have to share most of all is me,” he said. “The more deep I go, the more details I give, the more of my struggles – not just that I’m struggling, but how my struggles feel – the more valuable it is to someone else. You want people to say, in the audience, ‘That’s me.’ And ‘Oh my gosh. My husband has that illness and I never knew that’s what was going on in his head. I understand better now.’

“I think we’re in a time now when every person is really deciding what side of history they’re on. Do you want to be on the side of history that’s changed the way we deal with mental health or do you want to be on the other side? I try to encourage people to get on the right side of it.”

Landsberg has always been a sharer and encourages others to share their struggles. As there is a deep sense of hopelessness and loneliness when it comes to depression, he said it is critical to encourage others to listen and realize they are not alone with the illness.

“More so than any event than I’ve ever been to, I was riveted and was really grabbed by several of the questions [posed to me in Winnipeg],” Landsberg told the Independent. “They weren’t so much questions as they were statements about audience members’ own situations.

“If you have a good night and you do it the right way, and there’s an audience that’s engaged that way, you’ll hear stories that have never before been shared – empowering people to share.

“My analogy is always, what I’d really like to do, is to have everyone in Canada who suffers from this illness [get together] – in the basement of a synagogue or a church, where Alcoholic Anonymous meetings take place – and [have] each of us draw from the collective strength and, at the same time, make deposits into that strength. When you turn to someone for help, you ultimately give them strength just by asking for it. That’s the spirit we felt in Winnipeg.”

One female audience member shared that she has had cancer and that it has come back, adding that she has suffered from depression for 15 years. Landsberg recalled, “She said, ‘You know, I have to be honest with you, I’ll take the cancer over the depression.’

“Also, an army veteran shared that he served in the army for 12 years and that, when he returned to Canada, there were 13 of them in his army group who had served and that, now, there are only two – the other 11 took their own lives. He said, ‘I was in the closet, so to speak, and felt desperately alone and unable to reach out. I watched a TV show you [Landsberg] did two years ago and thought, wow, if he can share, I can, too.’

“That’s enough reason to keep doing this for the rest of my life – just the knowledge that doing something that’s so easy for me, takes no effort, is a joy, [is helping]. To get up on stage and use my struggles for someone else’s benefit … it’s so easy, yet the payoff can be so massive.”

When it comes to helping a loved one who suffers from depression, Landsberg said one should start by admitting they cannot fully understand, as they have never had the disease. Then, they should ask their loved one what they want from them.

“That’s a huge thing – telling me what not to do,” said Landsberg. “The second thing is to reduce guilt. Many of us who have this illness like to please those around us. But, when we’re sick, we lose that ability, because we’re not ourselves – we can’t. I feel terribly guilty when I’m not the person I want to be.

“The people around me aren’t living their lives better because I’m there. Quite the opposite. I feel terrible that I’m actually worrying them, that I’m actually making the room worse because I’m in it. But, if you reduce my guilt, it will make a difference.”

As for someone who discovers they have the disease, Landsberg suggested education, as the more one knows about one’s illness, the more they can be an advocate and fight.

“Then, establish the thought that I will fight for my happiness,” he said. “And that’s incredibly difficult to commit to because the illness takes the life, the drive, out of us. It makes us apathetic. It makes us really incapable of doing stuff, or highly challenged to do stuff.

“If you commit to fighting for your happiness, that’s a big step. If you commit to sharing, that’s a big step. Sharing is incredibly difficult for most people because they feel shame and embarrassment. They feel like their illness is a weakness.

“You can overcome that, to some extent, by educating yourself. When you go on the internet and Google ‘depression’ and get five billion hits, you realize that 10% of the population right now may be feeling similar to you.

“People take their lives – 4,000 every year in Canada, 40,000 in the United States, and there are 25 attempts likely for every ‘successful’ suicide … that means 100,000 suicide attempts. We know there’s at least 10 to one that think about suicide, but don’t attempt it; suicide becomes appealing to them and plays out over and over in their brain.

“If you start realizing you’re just like a million other people in this country, then you’ll realize this is a sickness, not a weakness. All of these people, people that take their lives because they’re in so much pain, that’s not weakness.”

Landsberg added that speaking with someone who you know is struggling with depression is the easiest way to start sharing and healing, as you know they will not judge you and that they understand you.

“Winnipeg people liked what I did, so they went home with something,” said Landsberg. “But, I think I went home with more. I took away more than I left. What I took away were stories from people who I felt privileged to listen to…. I just loved it.”

For more information, visit sicknotweak.com.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Overburdened system

Mardy Yager, manager of fund development at Marymound. (photo from Mardy Yager)

Mardy Yager manages the resources of Marymound, the second largest agency in Manitoba that provides support to some of the province’s highest-needs kids. Every day, he has to deal with an overburdened social services system that is struggling to keep up with demand.

A lifelong Winnipegger, Yager has been working in the child welfare field for 26 years. He has been serving at Marymound for the past 15. “I began working frontline with the kids and now I’m the manager of fund development,” he said.

“I have a passion for the kids and intimate knowledge of the work, so I’ve been effective in raising funds and awareness for child welfare here in Manitoba,” he said of his choice of profession, “which isn’t historically a choice for most people.”

When he was 14, his father passed away. Although Yager is not a practising Jew, he feels strongly that his passion for service stems from his Jewish heritage and the example set by his father, who was vice-president of their synagogue, among other things.

Marymound was started in 1911 by Sisters of the Good Shepherd. Yager said he felt privileged to work alongside the sisters when he first began working there, and found their values to be the same as any other religion’s ethics. “You look after those less fortunate, you honor people’s differences, you celebrate other people’s religions,” he said. “Spirituality is very important, regardless of what faith you practise.”

The overwhelming majority of Marymound’s kids – 70% – are indigenous. As such, the focus of Marymound’s assistance is not so much about religion. “That’s kind of how the sisters looked at it as well,” said Yager. “The focus was more on spirituality and healing, and that’s what’s kept me here.”

Marymound’s staff is a mix of professionals with different cultural backgrounds, including indigenous, Christian, Muslim and Jewish. There are more than 300 full-time and another 200 other staff working with approximately 3,000 children annually.

Manitoba has the highest number of children in care (11,000) compared to any other province. For example, the province has almost double the number of Saskatchewan (6,000) despite the fact that the population breakdown of each province is similar.

“The system is overburdened here in Manitoba,” said Yager. “And it’s struggling to meet the needs of all those kids. Some are very high needs. A lot has to do with fallout from the residential schools. Lots has to do with our indigenous populations being marginalized over the decades.

“We also, unfortunately, did the 1960s scoop, where we pulled kids out of their homes and adopted them out to white families all over North America. We’re just starting to understand the issues and making some corrections as to how we approach the problems.”

Most of the kids Marymound works with are dealing with family breakdown, physical and sexual abuse, neglect and poverty. Some are battling mental illness, fetal alcohol syndrome and other issues that mainly afflict the most vulnerable segments of the population.

While Marymound has serviced Jewish kids and still does in their foster-care programs, those percentages are small.

photo - Al Benarroch, executive director of Jewish Child and Family Services in Winnipeg — Al Benarroch, executive director of Jewish Child and Family Services in Winnipeg. *(photo from Al Benarroch)*

Al Benarroch, executive director of Jewish Child and Family Services (JCFS) in Winnipeg, knows all too well how Marymound and similar organizations help.

“They run some very specific programs around treatment for sexual abuse,” said Benarroch. “Working at JCFS, being a small sliver of child and family services in Manitoba, we work in our own community. But, in my past professional career, when I was in private practice, I used to see a lot of cases of sexual abuse – both in adults who are survivors … and also with youth and children who were in the welfare system because of that.”

But Benarroch was quick to point out that sexual abuse is the smallest percentage under the abuse category – at least on paper – with 10% or 12% of all reported cases of abuse being sexual abuse.

“There is a much higher number being reported of physical abuse, and the highest number is probably neglect,” he said. “What does that mean? Does that mean there’s less sexual abuse or does that mean that it’s underreported? The likelihood is, it’s most likely extremely underreported by virtue of its nature – the nature of the secrecy and the nature of the disruptive levels of trust that a person has when they’ve been victimized.”

While Benarroch said that anyone who can afford counseling can find it very readily, in general, accessing quality, well-trained therapists is difficult for those who are less financially well off.

“With JCFS, we deal with sexual assault very little for a few reasons,” he said. “Number one, our agency is almost exclusively serving the Jewish community. I’m not saying this doesn’t occur in the Jewish community but, as a cultural community, we don’t like to air our dirty laundry. So, as an agency, JCFS is constantly working on raising awareness about these issues so we can peel away those layers of secrecy.”

Benarroch said JCFS sees many more cases in which there has been high levels of neglect and dysfunctional parenting that usually stems from the parents’ past trauma, thereby impacting their ability to parent. In these cases, he said the parents can overcome their challenges and positively parent through talking about childhood experiences, which may involve physical or sexual abuse, to work through those traumatic experiences as adults.

“For me,” added Yager, “it’s always been about the kids and the kids don’t pick and choose. They are just here and we need to help them…. They didn’t ask for the things afflicting them…. We need to do our best to help them get a handle on the issues and go into the community in a productive way.

“Helping those less fortunate, who can argue with that? Right? Those are all things we should all be doing. That’s what makes our country as great as it is, because we focus not just on getting ahead, but on trying not to leave the less fortunate behind.

“I think the values we have here, at Marymound, even though it started from an order of nuns, those values cross all religions.” As an example, Yager said, “I know that philanthropy and caring for others are basic values that all Jews share. We’re quite charitable. It’s also part of the values that the Sisters of the Good Shepherd have provided to us at Marymound.”

For more information, visit marymound.com.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

Sponsoring Yazidi refugees

Yolanda Papini Pollock, co-founder of Winnipeg Friends of Israel, which initiated Operation Ezra. (photo from Yolanda Papini Pollock)

The Jewish community in Winnipeg has ramped up its efforts to help the Yazidi people, including the sponsorship of families to the city.

“When you look at the plight of the Yazidi people, it kind of mirrors the Jewish reality of 1945,” said Al Benarroch, executive director of Winnipeg’s Jewish Child and Family Services (JCFS). “I’m not going to be one to say that it’s like the Holocaust, but the Yazidis have suffered, over the last 500-600 years, a very significant genocide.

“The Yazidi people have been displaced from that region of the world and have been heavily victimized, murdered and devastated in the millions. And they have nowhere to go to. So, our community and other communities across Canada have really taken this to heart saying, you know, it was a mere 70 years ago that we ourselves were in a similar situation.

“When we say ‘Never again,’ are we just talking about the Jewish people? We see that image of ourselves in the Yazidi plight, and we feel compelled to come forward and act on it. That’s been the message we’ve been putting forward in Winnipeg.”

The group that started this effort in the city is Winnipeg Friends of Israel (WFI), awakening the community to the Yazidis’ situation and the possibility of sponsoring Yazidi refugees to Winnipeg.

“When we heard about the Yazidi massacre in August 2014, we reached out to the Yazidi community,” said Yolanda Papini Pollock, WFI co-founder. “We wanted to hear about the Yazidi plight and support their community by raising awareness.”

WFI invited Nafiya Naso, a Yazidi spokesperson, to share her and others’ stories with the Winnipeg community at the Asper Jewish Community Centre in March 2015.

“After learning about the dire strait conditions of the Yazidis in refugee camps, it was clear to us that we could not sit aside and do nothing,” said Papini Pollock. “We decided to do more than just listen.”

The group initiated Operation Ezra with the goal of sponsoring at least one Yazidi family and of raising awareness of the Yazidis’ plight. They began by partnering with Bridges for Peace, Calvary Temple, the Mennonite Central Committee (MCC), and others. By December, $130,000 (enough for five-plus families) had been raised.

“When we heard Nafiya’s story, we recognized so many similarities to the plight of the Jewish people prior to the establishment of Israel and immediately empathized with her people,” said Papini Pollock. “The Yazidis are an ethno-religious minority and, just like the Jews, they are targeted solely because of their religious beliefs. Many genocide scholars perceive the Yazidis as victims of genocide. The Yazidis have been persecuted 74 times. At one point, there were more than 20 million Yazidis. Today, there are less than one million.”

The Jewish Federation of Winnipeg has helped raise the funds to sponsor as many families as possible and JCFS has taken on the responsibility of managing the resettlement and other services, allowing WFI to do what they do best – connecting on a personal level with people.

Since Operation Ezra was announced, the congregation of Shaarey Zedek has taken on sponsorship of two families under the initiative.

“Collectively, we’re talking about 35 individuals to date who have applications that are or will be submitted,” said Benarroch. “At this point, I think we’re talking about bringing in as many as 50 individuals.

“The more we fundraise, the more we can help. We’ve gotten a hold of many people who are donating furnishings, old televisions and bedding. Someone came forward and said they will donate through their manufacturing company quilts and coats. We are looking for warehouse space.”

The sponsorships are being done through MCC, as they are the only organization in the city that holds a sponsorship agreement with the federal immigration department. This is something Benarroch would like to see change, not due to any lack in MCC’s services, but as an added insurance. “Historically, there was Jewish Immigration Aid Services of Canada (JIAS),” he said. “Located in Toronto, they were the national office for Jewish immigration.

“Because it was a national mandate for that sponsorship agreement and the national office no longer exists, my understanding is that the sponsorship agreement had to be given up. So, now we no longer have a national sponsorship agreement for Canadian Jewish communities. God forbid if we should have a worldwide crisis and the Canadian Jewish communities would be challenged at a national level to take on Jewish refugees.”

While he has been exploring the options regarding making an application to have at least a local sponsorship agreement – “If history repeats itself, as it usually does, you should have that safety” – Benarroch stressed, “I think it’s been amazing to be able to work in partnership with those groups, with the Mennonite community. The Manitoba Multifaith Council sits at the table for Ezra. We get ourselves out there. It’s the right thing to do.”

Some of the most-asked questions by people considering joining the effort, Benarroch said, are “Who are the Yazidis? Are they Muslim? Are they Christian?”

His response is, “They are not Jewish, Christian or Muslim, yet they do share many interesting customs that have a foot in all of those religions. They celebrate their new year … I’m not an expert … in the spring, in their month of Nisan. We, as Jews, also have a month of Nisan. They pray several times a day towards the sun, much like Islam. Yet, they have no formal book or liturgy … no formal Koran, Torah, New Testament, whatever you’d like to call it. It’s an oral tradition.”

Papini Pollock, meanwhile, is finding it hard to wait for the first arrivals. “We will be involved in taking care of the families when they arrive to the best of our abilities,” she said. “We will work with the rest of the Winnipeg community to ensure the refugees have the most natural transition to Winnipeg and to Canada.”

For more information on Operation Ezra, visit jewishwinnipeg.org/community-relations/operation-ezra.

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.

New addictions study

Winnipeg’s Jewish Child and Family Services executive director Al Benarroch. (photo from Al Benarroch)

Although the problem of alcohol and substance abuse in the Jewish community is not new, it is often kept hidden and even ignored. A recent study by Winnipeg’s Jewish Child and Family Services (JCFS) hopes to expose the problem and dispel the stigma.

Led by executive director Al Benarroch, JCFS has increased its activity in raising awareness about addictions in the Jewish community over the past five-plus years. These efforts have included giving lectures, writing articles, building JCFS staff’s capacity to address addiction issues, hosting speakers, holding a conference on the topic, and launching and supporting the local chapter of JACS (Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons and Significant Others), a Jewish 12-step recovery group.

“As a result of all this work, stigma has been reduced and our community has become more open to discuss this significant social issue,” said Benarroch. “Many more Jewish families and individuals are now willing to seek out support and assistance from JCFS.”

These initiatives were mainly funded through grants from the Jewish Foundation of Manitoba and private donors. In 2011, JCFS received core funding from the Jewish Federation of Winnipeg to hire a dedicated staff person to oversee the development of future addiction recovery services.

JCFS has created a standing strategic advisory group on addictions (SAGA), which has prioritized main areas of focus, including the expansion of services and resources for youth and families. The continuum of services could include education (workshops, etc.), the provision of counseling, the opening of a Jewish recovery resource centre, offering Jewish transitional sober housing for individuals leaving in-patient treatment and requiring extended time to foster lasting sobriety and, ultimately, Jewish in-patient recovery services.

With all of these goals in mind, JCFS was faced with a problem: little or no research had been conducted on the incidence and nuances of addiction and addiction recovery in Jewish communities.

“However, anecdotal information and reports from other communities and their agencies mirror the experiences of Winnipeg,” said Benarroch. “Specifically, that there are many Jewish individuals and families struggling with a wide array of addiction issues, and that these numbers and [the] intensity of problems likely mirror the general population.”

Nonetheless, JCFS set about to gather some hard data about addiction in its community. The recent study, Alcohol and Substance Use in the Jewish Community – A Pilot Study, was proposed as the first in a series of studies on this topic.

“This study was a partnership between JCFS and the University of Winnipeg’s (U of W) department of psychology (Dr. Gary Rockman),” said Benarroch. “One of Dr. Rockman’s former students, who was also a former summer student case aide at JCFS, Melanie Baruch, expressed an interest in this topic and in conducting research. Together, I, as representative from JCFS, Melanie and

Dr. Rockman developed a survey that was sent out to a random sample of existing JCFS clients.”

The pilot study on the incidence of addiction-related issues among existing JCFS clients has been completed and researchers have embarked on a second phase, which is exploring the narrative themes of the journey of Jews in recovery. For this phase, Canadian and American Jewish individuals in various stages of the addiction recovery process are being recruited and interviewed.

“It is hoped that this study will shed light on what sorts of educational resources and treatment resources our community can offer to be most effective,” Benarroch said.

A third phase also has been proposed. It would involve an attitudinal survey sent out to Jewish communities across Canada, the United States and abroad, exploring various attitudes that exist within Jewish communities with regard to addictions.

The pilot’s findings

Almost 20% of the respondents to the JCFS survey had used drugs other than those required for medical reasons. Nearly 15% of respondents could not get through the day without using drugs, yet only nine percent of respondents had sought help.

photo - Ivy Kopstein coordinates JCFS’s addictions services — Ivy Kopstein coordinates JCFS’s addictions services. *(photo from Ivy Kopstein)*

“This is an area we would like to explore further – what is preventing individuals from seeking help,” said Ivy Kopstein, the social worker JCFS hired to coordinate its addictions services. “Is it lack of information, stigma, lack of services?”

Respondents had used general, rather than specifically Jewish, services more often, yet 70% said they would attend JACS if they knew it existed.

“This leads us to believe that respondents may not be aware of Jewish-focused addiction recovery services,” said Kopstein.

Almost 24% of respondents reported having a family history of alcohol or drug abuse and 41% reported knowing someone currently struggling with addiction. There was no difference when it came to marital status or education in who reported drinking frequently or infrequently, which is consistent with findings in the general population.

“A common theme when doing research on this subject is the stigma and sensitivity to the problem of addiction,” said Kopstein. “This includes concerns over anonymity, even though confidentiality was clearly expressed at the outset. So, we will continue with education and awareness programs to address the stigma and encourage those affected to seek help.”

Currently, SAGA is working on programs for youth and parents, as well as developing other clinical and cultural services.

“We are hoping to learn what helps individuals enter and maintain recovery and how Jewish culture, community and spirituality enhances (or detracted from) each individual’s journey,” said Kopstein. “This information will provide a microscopic view into recovery, which will assist us in further planning Jewish recovery resources.”

Rebeca Kuropatwa is a Winnipeg freelance writer.