The High Holidays and the start of school are coming up. My twins have acquired new, bigger backpacks for Grade 10. We’ve also been serenaded daily by our resident teen baritone saxophonist. He’s practising so he can play in a synagogue High Holiday service for young families. Our other twin is practising trumpet. It’s a cacophonous August!
Earlier this summer, my kids had a big adventure as they worked as counselors-in-training at the Jewish day camp in Virginia that I attended and worked at, too. They stayed with my parents, who then drove them across the continent back to Winnipeg. After three weeks at camp and then two weeks on the road, they were ready to be home.
My parents, in their 80s, thoroughly enjoyed our 15-year-olds and showered praise on them for how well they did, cleaning up after themselves, doing chores, carrying all the heavy stuff and giving my parents a great time. I was delighted to hear how well my kids did on their own. It matters to me that they were well-behaved, well-mannered and respectful to their elders and to those in hospitality, who provide a service to them. I want my children to treat everyone with respect. My parents have high expectations. In many ways, after years of parenting work, my kids “passed the test.”
I contrasted this to two different scenarios I heard about. On social media, a fibre arts designer described a recent interaction. She posted notes from a disgruntled member of the public. Note, this person, let’s call her Kay, wasn’t a customer. Kay downloaded free tutorials by the designer on how to do a new technique. Then Kay discovered that the tutorials could not be easily printed out to put beside her while she learned the technique. Kay’s reaction was to write an email, chastising the designer and calling her selfish, “mean” and that her free tutorial “sucks” because of this printing problem. The designer responded civilly to explain that this was a software flaw she couldn’t control. The designer apologized for the inconvenience. Then she put the exchange up on her Instagram stories.
The second scenario happened last year at the synagogue’s packed High Holiday family services, during which a preschooler ran around with a chair. While one parent ineffectually chased this kid, the teen musicians’ stands and music were knocked over and scattered. The musicians were cornered against a wall as the kid ran amok. The crowded room, full of parents and older kids who could have helped, watched the scene but didn’t intervene.
When one puts in many hours as a parent or at work, there is hope that this labour eventually pays off. It’s normal to hope that your work has meaning and value. As I continue the last year of Daf Yomi (studying a page of Talmud a day during a process that takes 7.5 years), I often wonder what I have absorbed during this time, during extracurricular Jewish learning. When I started in January of 2020, I didn’t imagine so many relevant things would pop up.
Then, I read Dr. Sara Ronis’s My Jewish Learning essay, which helps learners access specific points in the Babylonian Talmud’s Tractate Chullin, page 94. This offers a lesson with an ancient story recorded in Chullin. The teaching is about the “theft of the mind.” It describes situations where one is deliberately tricky in ways that are unethical. One example is when you know a person won’t eat with you, but you invite them anyway, or if you offer gifts to a person who cannot accept them. These are situations where your “generosity” looks big but, in reality, you give nothing other than a bad feeling. The offer only benefits the one who offers, who looks generous but is behaving in a false way. This violates our values regarding upright, ethical behaviour.
The most powerful example, for me, was this one, on Chullin 94A (translation from Ronis): “Shmuel said: It is prohibited to steal the mind of people, even a gentile. Shmuel was once crossing a river in a ferry. He said to his attendant: Compensate the ferryman. The attendant compensated him, but Shmuel became angry. What is the reason that he became angry? Abaye said: The compensation given was a chicken that was a treifa (unkosher) and he gave it to him as though it were a slaughtered, kosher chicken. Rava said: He told him to give him wine for drinking in an anpaka (a vessel generally used for undiluted wine), but he gave him diluted wine for drinking.”
Shmuel was angry because his attendant behaved unethically. Instead of giving the attendant something valuable: a kosher chicken and undiluted wine, the servant decided the ferryman’s labour was worth less and “tipped” less. He devalued the service provided. He denigrated the ferryman’s work. Jewish tradition teaches that it doesn’t matter if the person is Jewish, we owe everyone ethical behaviour and fair compensation.
Shmuel was an important Jewish teacher and the head of the Nehardea Academy in Babylon (Persia). He lived roughly 1,800 years ago. He was a humble person who tried to learn from every person and interaction.
Reading about Shmuel’s emphasis on treating others well reminded me of these two recent episodes. It’s amazing to me that anyone would contact a person offering free tutorials to chastise them because the way they offered the free learning wasn’t “right” for the learner. Although I know how hard it is to corral a preschooler, I would be mortified if either of my twins disrupted an entire family service. Knocking over music stands and harassing older kids who volunteered their time as musicians isn’t a good look.
How we behave matters. Shmuel’s ferry story teaches that people have always had moments to choose the right thing to do or to behave unethically or inappropriately instead. This teaching from Chullin 94 remains relevant. Many people short their servers on a tip or give cheap gifts when they think others won’t notice. However, in an increasingly uncivil world, it’s up to us to do the right thing. Acting ethically and kindly to others, and teaching our kids to do the same, is sometimes hard work. However, we can always do better in the year to come. Wishing you happy, healthy and upstanding experiences in 5787!
Joanne Seiff has written regularly for the Winnipeg Free Press and various Jewish publications. She is the author of three books, including From the Outside In: Jewish Post Columns 2015-2016, a collection of essays available for digital download or as a paperback from Amazon. Check her out on Instagram @yrnspinner or at joanneseiff.blogspot.com.