The mitzvot of taharat hamishpachah (family purity) – abstinence from physical contact between a married couple for two weeks each month – are among the least understood mitzvot. The implications of abstinence deter many couples from following the practice. But those who do follow it say there are real marital benefits to be gained, as well as deeper connections between a husband and wife.
“Taharat mishpachah creates excitement in a marriage,” said Chaya Rosenfeld, a rebbetzin at Lubavitch BC. “For two weeks a month you can’t have what’s right in front of you and so, when you can have intimacy, it feels really exciting!”
Rosenfeld said the terms “purity” versus “impurity” – impurity during the menstrual cycle and purity post-mikvah visit – are the wrong lens through which to understand these mitzvot. “Technically, every month, there’s an opportunity for life and, when a woman has her period, that new life doesn’t happen,” she explained. “Your body heals after that, and going to the mikvah gives you renewed energy.”
Her monthly mikvah visits are special days, a secret shared only between her and her husband.
“When does a woman get to have a bath 30 minutes before bedtime? It doesn’t happen, except for the day of the mikvah, when you bathe in preparation,” she said. “It’s a mitzvah to have intimacy on the night of the mikvah visit and, for both of us, there’s a feeling of excitement that day, because we know what will happen when I return home.”
Following the mitzvot of taharat hamishpachah is not easy, she acknowledged.
“For two weeks, there’s no touching at all, but, at the end of it, it’s really something to look forward to. The mikvah reminds a couple that their relationship is private and special, different from any other relationship. Especially today, when there’s so much sharing on social media, it’s something couples can forget.”
While there’s no scientific evidence to say that couples who keep taharat hamishpachah have more intimacy or better marriages, the laws of mikvah certainly enhance, encourage and deepen the passion, said Rabbi Yechiel Baitelman of Chabad Richmond.
“You know the term familiarity breeds contempt?” he asked. “You might be enjoying something, but if it’s a constant pleasure it can lose its uniqueness, its specialness. The Talmud says one reason the Torah prescribes a separation is because we shouldn’t become too accustomed to each other. It can lead to contempt. That’s why this mitzvah was given, so that couples should be attracted to each other.”
Another element of taharat hamishpachah is the spiritual sanctity of a marriage.
“A woman immerses in a body of water in a state of ritual impurity and emerges in a state of purity, so there’s a rebirth and renewal that happens here,” he said, echoing Rosenfeld’s comments. “It’s a renewal of the intimacy of the marriage, and it comes with the anticipation that happens when there is that separation. When there’s an absence each month and then a renewal, it maintains and renews the spark of passion between two people – or it has the ability to do so.
“Emotional intimacy and healthy communication are the bedrocks of marital satisfaction,” he added, noting that the physical separation gives couples a chance to nurture their emotional intimacy, communicating their love for each other verbally or through other expressions of appreciation and sharing.
There are caveats, of course. If couples aren’t kind, respectful and loving to each other, chances are a visit to the mikvah won’t make much of a difference.
Sarah Berger is a local rebbetzin who runs the mikvah at Schara Tzedeck and, as a kallah instructor, helps brides prepare for their nuptials. She sees the mikvah visit as an opportunity to consider intentional fresh starts to a marital relationship.
“I think about what I want my relationship to be when I come home,” she said. “For those who observe these mitzvot, there are typically 12 to 14 days each month where you don’t touch each other, don’t flirt, observe a different level of modesty in front of each other and avoid activities that are considered intimate or could lead to touching. The night you go to the mikvah is an opportunity for both of you to reconnect at a different level.”
There are Hebrew words that just don’t have any true equivalent in English, and “niddah,” “tahor” and “tamei” are three of them, she said. “You can translate to a certain level, but tahor and tamei – the idea of spiritual connection or potential versus spiritual blockage, vacuum and loss of potential – just don’t have an exact translation. It’s really unfortunate that they have been understood by so many as meaning pure/impure, or clean/unclean.
“Practically, we understand the term ‘niddah’ – the status of a woman who has her period and has not been to the mikvah yet – in its aspects of separation or disconnect, whether physical or spiritual,” Berger continued. “When a couple separates from intimate touch during the time she is a niddah, it’s a time to build other muscles in the relationship by doing activities together, having date nights and talking.”
Berger cited Jon Gottman, a marriage researcher: “He says the indicator of a strong marriage is the strength of their friendship. I see this as a real benefit of taharat mishpachah.”
Lauren Kramer, an award-winning writer and editor, lives in Richmond.
