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September 18, 2009
An apologies how-to
Everything to know about saying you’re sorry.
DAVE GORDON
Jewish tradition for millennia has held that the 10 days preceding Yom Kippur be used as a special time to apologize and reconcile with one’s fellow. The sages have discussed kosher apologies at length and, with that as a blueprint, I have distilled this wisdom into the ESP formula: it has to be expeditious, specific, and promise (through words and actions) not to repeat it.
Here is a quick-reference apology FAQ for the days leading up to the Day of Atonement.
Why does an apology have to be expeditious?
Racing to repair a relationship shows caring rather than indifference. It’s callous to say: I’ve inconvenienced you, but I’ll apologize if/when it’s convenient for me.
Why does an apology have to be specific?
This demonstrates that you recognize exactly the hurt caused. Treif (non-kosher) apologies are dismissive and vague, such as “I’m sorry if there was any misunderstanding,” or “I’m sorry you were hurt.” There are no “buts,” or blame shifting. Just say what you did.
Isn’t using a formula, like ESP, a contrived apology?
Not knowing the right way to go about giving an apology can worsen a situation, leaving an unsatisfied hurt party, so knowing a time-tested formula to do teshuvah (repentance) can be a good thing.
Does time heal wounds?
If there is a large enough relationship savings account, yes, but it can be overdrawn by a harmful action. If “time” were all it took, then people would wait for an arbitrary statute of limitations to lapse, in order to shrug off the damages. If time solved problems, we would fall into the trap of believing that the relative absence of bad creates the presence of good. Changed behavior, apology and reparations work to create the presence of good. People show with words and actions, over time, that they are to be trusted again.
When is it a bad thing to ask someone for an apology?
In situations where the person who hurt you has no significance in your life, or has shown reckless disregard for your feelings, it’s not worth approaching. You will end up making what they believe to be a ridiculous request.
If interactions with someone on deep, personal issues turn into a hurricane, it’s best to keep your distance. Most importantly though, someone who has shown indifference should not be approached – you will be hurt and disappointed even more. If you believe that offering an apology to the person might remind them of the hurt they felt, you may want to send them a note asking if they’d like to hear you tell them you’re sorry.
Shouldn’t the apology be obviously sincere?
No one has a window to another’s headspace, therefore, it’s difficult to gauge precise intentions and motivation, or measure another’s sincerity. Nonetheless, there is something intrinsically satisfying about a kosher apology, even if it feels a bit wobbly at times.
Sincerity cannot be forced, either. One shouldn’t say, for example, “That apology was OK, but try it again, this time, with sincerity.” Through words and actions, a kosher apology is, by its nature, sincere. The victim mostly cares about the acknowledgement of wrongdoing, and to see it fixed and never repeated.
Why even request an apology? Doesn’t the Torah say you shouldn’t hold a grudge?
You should not hold something – vengefully – against someone, especially for an unreasonable amount of time. You have a moral obligation to tell someone they’ve done something hurtful. By not doing so, you are holding a grudge – if the issue becomes bothersome to you or a barrier to the relationship.
Judaism makes apology integral to the teshuvah process.
Can you forgive someone, and still feel as if they owe an apology?
In some cases, it can be psychologically healthy to simply forgive. However, outrage at terrible hurt has its place. I am an advocate of what is owed, is owed. You can forgive someone if you choose, but you can still acknowledge that the right and good thing for the person who did harm is to still apologize.
I think it is too facile, too simple, too insulting and condescending to tell people “forgive and forget” or “forget, but don’t forgive,” or “forgive but don’t forget.” These are well-worn clichés too often used by people without really knowing the pain that was suffered.
Dave Gordon is a Toronto freelance writer who has lectured and written extensively on the topic of apologies. He is finishing his book, A Human Relationship Repair Manual: On Giving a Kosher Apology. More at DaveGordonWrites.com.
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