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Sept. 28, 2007
Etiquette on the front
Don't punish a bad date with rude behavior.
BAILA LAZARUS
It seems like some of the worst behavior gets reported from Internet
dates. Perhaps it's the anonymity of the whole interaction. Since
the person you're meeting is most likely a stranger to you, rather
than a friend of a friend, you're unlikely to see them at parties
or get-togethers within your circle of friends and acquaintances.
This means there might be more freedom to act rudely on a date,
since it's not going to get back to anyone they know. If two people
don't "click" right away, they may blame it on the other
per-son and subconsciously punish them for it.
This behavior was reflected in a recent poll on Lavalife, where
they asked the question, "Your cellphone rings while you're
on a date. Do you answer it?" The options were: (a) no way,
(b) only if the date was going badly and (c) can't help it; I'm
addicted.
Out of more than 10,000 respondents, 47 per cent of men said "no
way," while only 33 per cent of women said that; 55 per cent
of women said they would answer it if the date were going badly,
compared with 43 per cent of men.
This is sad. What it basically means is that a huge proportion of
our population doesn't know what to do if the date is going badly,
and ends up acting rudely.
Here's a thought: if you're really not enjoying your date, end the
date. Simply say, "Listen, I have enjoyed our conversation,
but, to be honest, I don't feel any connection. Thanks for meeting
me." Then get up and go do some errands. Chances are the other
person is feeling just as awkward or can sense your ambivalence
and will welcome your initiative in bringing the meeting to an end.
In any case, they'd certainly prefer having the date end so they
can be free to do their own things, rather than having to sit and
listen to their date talk on a cellphone.
(Note: If you must check your phone for calls, for example, if you
are on a break from work but expecting an important call, tell your
date this as soon as you meet, so they won't be surprised if you
take a call, and they won't think it's a reflection on how the date
is going.)
Here is some other date behavior that can be seen as anything from
"questionable" to a deal-breaker:
• Lack of eye contact: You know the drill – you're baring
your soul to "kitsilanoguy183" and his eyes are wandering
all over the place – up the walls, out the door, to other people
in the café. If asked, he'll swear he's listening, but never
actually looks at his date. (This is a bigger complaint that women
have against men, rather than vice versa.) While it might not seem
like a big deal, saying you're listening and actually looking at
a person's eyes when they are talking are two hugely different things.
The latter sends the message that you are listening and interested;
the former says, "I can't wait to get out of here."
• She doesn't offer to pay: While there are many men who don't
mind continuously treating women to lunches and dinners, this is
becoming less and less common. Especially given that, in about 95
per cent of online dating, men have paid to start the communication
going. Frankly, they're getting tired of serving as food banks for
the conservative-minded and wallet-challenged woman. If you're not
sure if he is expecting to pay, simply make the offer. Take out
your wallet, look at the bill and ask, "How much is my half?"
If he says, "Don't worry about it," then put your wallet
away. But be prepared to accept your half of the bill, and do it
graciously. If someone feels insulted by your offer and makes a
big deal out of it, that might be a good clue to give this ship
a wide berth.
Baila Lazarus is an Internet dating coach and instructor.
Visit www.tastierdates.com
to sign up for her weekly newsletter on dating tips. Sign up for
online dating at jisinglesbc.com.
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