Equal marriage is fair

Editorial

Last week, in Vancouver's Queen Elizabeth Park, Rabbi David Mivasair officiated at what participants believe was the first Jewish legal same-sex marriage in British Columbia. But the marriage of Rahel Baillie and Emma Hamer wasn't the first time the two women had stood under the chuppah. Their not-legally-recognized commitment ceremony was reported in the Bulletin three years ago and they opted to make it fully legal after courts in British Columbia and Ontario ruled that banning same-sex marriage is discriminatory.

This marriage and other unions of gay or lesbian couples are not without controversy. Canada is engaged in a deep and soul-searching consideration of the meaning of marriage and that discussion is mirrored in the Jewish community. But it tends to be obscured by some false suppositions and red herrings.

The idealized "marriage" spoken of so often is a simplification of the institution. All marriages, Jewish or otherwise, have a number of presumed similarities. For instance, the acceptance of mutual dependence, support, affection, monogamy and love, as well as, ideally, shared values, goals and aspirations. Of course, we know that not all marriages conform to every one of these characteristics all of the time. Does that invalidate what does exist between two people?

No. Ultimately, marriage is an agreement between two people, exclusively.

What happens inside the confines of the private conversations and myriad compromises shared by spouses is a mystery to every outsider. To suggest that there is just one model to which all marriages must conform is massively naïve and impossible to justify.

Some critics of gay marriage view the institution as intrinsically wrapped up in the creation and nurturing of children. This imperative seems at once obvious and archaic. Without a nurturing environment for the next generation (indeed, without a next generation!) the direction of human history would be altered. But this ignores several realities.

In a world where overpopulation creates starvation, environmental crises and human misery, procreation seems to be taking care of itself. Jewish civilization, because of the cataclysmic 20th century, has an understandable concern for the continuation of the generations. The Jewish experience is one of living on the precipice and the imperative for continuity is deeply held and carefully sanctified, as it should be.

But procreation, ultimately, is a moot point. For example, the brides married last week are bubbes. Their work in that department, presumably, is achieved. But even ignoring that reality, critics of same-sex marriage who rely on the procreation defence ignore the fact that homosexuality is not new. It is as old as civilization and the statistics bear out that having a small proportion of homosexually oriented people not only does not harm the larger self-preservational instincts of a society, but may even assist in this endeavor. One theory sees the existence of a small group of non-parental adults aiding in the overall raising of children and playing a nurturing and protective role as a vital part of the child-raising (if not the child begetting) process.

Even so, many gays and lesbians have children. And new reproductive technologies, as well as evolving adoption laws, mean gay does not equal childless. The fact that natural childbirth for gay couples is not an option is irrelevant. Technology-assisted conception is no less profound than natural conception. Moreover, the suggestion that adoption, alternative conception or even remarriage create anything less than a fully constituted family is an affront to millions of households, Jewish and other, who do not conform to this strict interpretation.

For Judaism to flourish, it must find ways to incorporate the needs of different families. To do otherwise – to make some Jews feel unwelcome at shul or in the community – is the beginning of a road to exclusivity that will not enrich Judaism nor help it flourish.

Mivasair is the only local rabbi so far to perform such a marriage under the new legal status. He chose to do so and has spoken out forcefully on the right of Jewish lesbians and gay men to share fully in the sanctity of union. Other rabbis, needless to say, interpret the issue differently.

Jewish attitudes on this question are probably as divided as those of other Canadians, but from a civil or legal standpoint, Vancouver's Jewish community reflects an emerging Canadian compromise. The federal government intends to introduce legislation that will allow but not require religious institutions to marry same-sex couples.

Vancouver's Jewish community is already way ahead of most of the country on this issue, thanks to Mivasair. Jewish gays or lesbians who seek to be married can do so. Synagogues who choose not to recognize such marriages also have the right to do so.

That sounds fair.

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