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Oct. 7, 2005
Say it like you really mean it
The kosher apology is an unconditional attempt to rectify wrongs.
DAVE GORDON
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, best known for his publications Kosher
Sex, Kosher Adultery and Kosher Emotions, has
coined a new Boteach-ism: the kosher apology. Here, he weighs in
on repentance, apology, atonement, forgiveness and what we can all
do to grow at this time of year.
Jewish Independent: Something that [Jewish radio host and
writer] Dennis Prager has said on a number of occasions is that
"I am sorry" are the hardest three words to say –
even harder than "I love you." But we've all heard people
say they're sorry in a facile manner. Why is it so hard for people
to say they're sorry and really mean it?
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: Because we're very insecure and we
feel that "sorry" will eviscerate our self-esteem. Acknowledging
fault will mean that we're a big zero. Instead of preparing to accept
that we're not a 10, but we're just an 8, we fear that saying sorry
means that we're big zeroes. We're just not strong enough to say
it. It takes a strong man to acknowledge his faults and weaknesses.
A weak man cannot do that. We lack the humility and the courage.
Our faith in G-d isn't strong enough. Our faith in humanity isn't
strong enough. More times than not, it's the same people who never
say they're sorry who never grant forgiveness themselves, and vice
versa.
The second thing is, we falsely believe that by saying sorry that
gives the other person the latitude – they're going to sort
of shove it in our face – "Ooh! Now you're sorry?"
They're not going to accept it or we think they'll slap our hands
back. If we create a culture where saying you're sorry doesn't work,
no one will ever say it.
JI: Explain the difference between repentance and atonement.
SB: Repentance is where the individual undertakes to erase
bad behavior and recommit themselves to a path of righteousness,
irrespective of whether the past will be forgotten or wiped away.
Atonement is where that process actually happens. Atonement is not
something that we human beings can grant. Repentance is what we
undertake; atonement is where that mistake is actually dissolved.
If you harm me, once I grant my forgiveness to you, there is atonement.
That doesn't stop you from trying to repent and saying you're sorry.
JI: What's involved in a "kosher apology"?
SB: It's an apology that comes with no ifs or buts. It's
an unconditional apology. It's one where you come forward and you
immediately acknowledge clearly the mistakes you made and the pain
you caused, the error or the transgression.
So, let's say a husband yells at his wife. He hurts her feelings;
he's verbally abusive, but he feels bad. There are two ways to say
that you're sorry.
The kosher apology is to say, "Honey, I have no right to ever
speak to you that way. No matter what you do, I have no right to
speak that way. You're my wife, and I have to treat you with respect.
My behavior was abominable, I'm ashamed of what I've done and I
will never ever do that again. Here's what I'm going to undertake
so it will never happen again."
Just for him to say, "Oops. Sorry," means nothing. Words
are cheap. But if he said, "I'm now going to go to anger management
sessions once a week" or, "I'm going to start calling
my best friend whenever I feel like losing my temper," that's
a real apology.
The unkosher apology is when you come to your wife, or whoever,
and say, "I'm sorry that I yelled. But let's face it, you provoked
me. In the same way that I'm wrong, you're also wrong."
JI: When is the best time to offer an apology? The sages
teach us that we should rush to make a mechilah (offer apology).
What do you think?
SB: Yes, of course. The longer you wait, the more entrenched
you and others become and the more entrenched the other party becomes.
It's not fair to the hurt party, who was damaged and requires that
certain acknowledgement of wrongdoing to help close the wounds.
It's rude and immoral otherwise. The longer you go without someone
in your life, the easier it becomes and, soon, you don't need them
anymore. It's a broken relationship.
JI: What is the hurt party's responsibility after he or she
hears the apology?
SB: Talking it out. I mean, if it's not a big thing, then
you shouldn't really talk it out because you don't want to make
it into a bigger thing. But usually it is a big thing, or it was
as a result of a hundred small things that kept happening that never
got fixed. You need to talk it through, of course.
JI: How does a person tell someone else they're hurt?
SB: There's a very dignified way to do it, saving the person
pain or humiliation. You can come forward say, "I want to tell
you this because I value our relationship and I don't want it to
atrophy in light of what happened. You may not even be aware of
it, but you really hurt me. I say this to try to be constructive.
You did x, y and z. And it's important for you to know how I feel."
JI: What if then the person who hurt you totally ignores
you?
SB: His conscience is arrogant or insensitive. What they
should be doing is validating the feelings of the person they hurt,
acknowledging it – it's not their place to judge them or to
be telling them what they should and should not feel.
JI: So after a person's been told they've done something
hurtful, what if they make you jump through hoops before taking
responsibility, or they become defensive? Is that an indication
that they don't care much and aren't interested in offering an apology?
SB: It's to be expected as the first reaction, when you tell
someone you're hurt by what they've done. They might be angry, bitter
or defensive. But remember, it is incumbent upon them to do the
right thing and offer a kosher apology and do it right away, with
no strings attached.
The Gemara says that you should not be a mean-spirited man or woman
who doesn't freely grant forgiveness. If you don't forgive someone
for what they've done after they ask three times for forgiveness,
then the sins come back on you.
Dave Gordon is a Toronto freelance writer.
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