I\u2019m home when my phone buzzes with a text from my son. Playing for the school basketball team in a city an hour away, his five words carry disappointment, sadness. \u201cI\u2019m just a benchwarmer, mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not one of those parents who cheers on sports games from the sidelines. Perhaps I\u2019m still scarred from high school athletics, when my best friend and I were consistently the last members picked for any team during PE classes, a painful memory to this day. It sounds callous but, for me, sports has never held even a glimmer of interest, not even when my own children are playing.<\/p>\n
But something changed when I learned my son had spent most of that game on the bench, watching instead of playing. What upset me was the injustice of his exclusion. He\u2019d attended practices dutifully and loved being part of the team \u2013 until that game. \u201cI\u2019m not a bad player,\u201d he insisted. \u201cI don\u2019t know why they didn\u2019t give me a turn.\u201d<\/p>\n
The indignation of having been left out hung around the house like a damp cloud for a few days. I felt hurt on his behalf, compelled to try and make things right. So, I did what most writer-parents would do \u2013 I penned a letter to the principal. It wasn\u2019t fair, I declared. I was under the impression that in team sports everyone gets a turn. How could the coach exclude certain players and justify that exclusion by the team\u2019s victory? Wasn\u2019t the victory hollow when only the best players had performed?<\/p>\n
We don\u2019t guarantee that every player will get to play, the principal responded. Sure, they can get a place on the team, but it\u2019s the coach\u2019s decision about who plays the games \u2013 and we play to win.<\/p>\n
A friend explained it in a gentler way to me a few days later. In elementary school, the games are all about playing fair, giving everyone a turn and learning to be a good sport. Not so in high school, where the emphasis shifts to winning. \u201cThe weaker players sit on the bench so the team can have its best shot at victory,\u201d she said. \u201cThat\u2019s just the way it is, regardless which sport we\u2019re talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was astonished, but enlightened, too. As parents, we want desperately to defend our kids from insult, bruised egos and perceived injustice. Their hurt becomes our hurt, and we feel compelled, angered even, to speak out on their behalf.<\/p>\n
But sitting on the bench might offer some important life lessons. The humility to admit you\u2019re not the strongest player. The insight that you need to work harder to be chosen for the next game. The understanding that, as unifying as the word \u201cteam\u201d appears to be, it\u2019s composed of members who are not equally competent: you either shine, or are outshone.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s going to be the same scenario at every job interview a few years down the line. The strongest candidates will be selected while the rest will warm the bench on the sidelines until they improve their game.<\/p>\n
So, maybe warming a bench a few times is a crucial part of the game, in that it deftly illustrates the distance between where you are and where you want to be. It\u2019s what you do with that knowledge that makes all the difference, on the basketball court and off.<\/p>\n