{"id":49812,"date":"2026-09-04T00:24:00","date_gmt":"2026-09-04T07:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/?p=49812"},"modified":"2026-09-27T10:18:53","modified_gmt":"2026-09-27T17:18:53","slug":"healing-and-building-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/2026\/09\/04\/healing-and-building-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Healing and building relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

As Yom Kippur approaches, teshuvah<\/em>, forgiveness, looms large on Jewish minds. It\u2019s a time to think about wounds we may have inflicted on others and fractured relationships. What\u2019s our responsibility to apologize? Where should we be mending bridges?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These fractures are more widespread than we might realize. In his book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them<\/em>, Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University sociologist, notes that, in the United States, 25% of the population is estranged from or has cut ties with a close relative at any one time, and 10% is estranged from a parent or child. The most common quarrels, he found, were over money and inheritance, but other frequently occurring conflicts were rooted in animosity with in-laws, problematic childhoods, divorce, and lifestyle or value differences. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

While we can\u2019t generalize these findings across Canada, there\u2019s also no reason to believe that our southern neighbours\u2019 relationships are all that unique.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ve definitely seen the acrimoniousness in family relationships increase over the time I\u2019ve been a rabbi,\u201d said Rabbi Jonathan Infeld of Congregation Beth Israel. \u201cI think it has a lot to do with COVID and the breaking of social connections, combined with online communication. When we hide our messaging behind a computer screen, many people feel free to say things they\u2019d never dream of saying to a loved one in person or on the phone. Every step away from someone in a physical manner in the real world offers a mask that gives us a feeling of anonymity, and more freedom to use harsher and more difficult words.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yom Kippur is an opportunity to swallow your pride and admit your faults, he continued. \u201cEven if someone else has wronged you, sometimes you have to overlook that and ask, what do I have to change? That\u2019s assuming we\u2019re not talking about a dangerous or highly toxic relationship \u2013 just a non-amicable one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe High Holidays are about mending that which is broken, and bringing wholeness back to the relationship. Demanding that someone else make the first step is not the way to make it happen. The only person we can try to begin to control is ourselves, and without the expectation that it will be reciprocal.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rabbi Yechiel Baitelman of Chabad Richmond noted there are three steps involved in requesting forgiveness on Yom Kippur: an acknowledgment of the wrongdoing, an expression of regret and a resolve not to repeat the wrongdoing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhile the highest level of forgiveness is about reestablishing a relationship that once was, we all need to think about what we\u2019re ready for,\u201d said Baitelman. \u201cIt can be a lifelong process to rebuild and reestablish a relationship, and it takes humility and introspection. Humility is an element of greatness, an ability to transcend the self and see something bigger than me and my pain.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Temple Sholom\u2019s Rabbi Dan Moskovitz reminds his congregants that forgiveness is a gift they give to themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt allows us to put down the burden of carrying that anger, resentment and hurt. If we can put it down, we allow ourselves to not have to shlep that baggage into the new year,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt may be in our self-interest to find a way to come to peace with a sibling, close friend or family member so we can move on in our life,\u201d he continued. \u201cAnd there may be parts of that relationship that are worth salvaging.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pillemer\u2019s research found that family estrangement can have devastating consequences affecting all family members involved, and lead to depression and anxiety. By pulling others into the argument, it can cause a severing of the ties, emotional support and resources family members give one another to help them cope with difficult times. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA lot of times, stuff comes up when someone dies and there\u2019s a feeling that we have to carry that resentment in honour of the deceased,\u201d Moskovitz reflected. \u201cWe shouldn\u2019t carry the anger of others. Anger should be buried and joy and gladness should be carried.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the transgression is outright abusive, the rules can change. The question is, where does the line defining abuse begin? It\u2019s a powerful term and, today, it tends to be used rather easily. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPeople have become unfamiliar with interpersonal relationships because they have so few real life, face-to-face experiences, and that means we have less empathy for others,\u201d Moskovitz said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you can\u2019t place yourself into someone else\u2019s shoes because you don\u2019t have any lived experience that\u2019s relatable, then you quickly jump to concluding that \u2018what\u2019s happening to me is outside of the bounds and should be prevented from happening,\u2019\u201d the rabbi explained. \u201cMany people today live in a virtual world, which has a lot more barriers. You can unfriend someone, mute them, cancel them or ghost them. In real life, it doesn\u2019t work like that, especially when you have to sit with someone at the family table.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The solution, he says, is to live more in relationships with others in the real world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe get better at being with people the more we are with people, and that\u2019s where synagogue and community are so important,\u201d said Moskovitz. \u201cIn many ways, they\u2019re a resistance movement to society today.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In considering what we can do to avoid a conflict or resolve it, Infeld advises never sending a negative emotional email or text to a friend or loved one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you have something that\u2019s difficult to say, always call or meet in person. Communicating emotions online is damaging to relationships,\u201d he said. \u201cIt puts up social walls and barriers, instead of creating a social connection.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mending bridges, especially estrangement with friends or family members who were once beloved, can be beneficial for everyone, Pillemer notes. He suggests that those interested in reconciling focus on moving forward instead of rehashing the argument. They should ask what they can accept from the relationship at a minimum, and consider a periodic outreach to build bridges \u2013 not a one-time offer. Finally, for relationships that have been hurtful or injurious, it might make sense to set a boundary that will guide behaviour moving forward. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Crucially, Pillemer\u2019s findings show that those who found a path to reconciliation were usually happy with the result. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lauren Kramer<\/strong>, an award-winning writer and editor, lives in Richmond.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As Yom Kippur approaches, teshuvah, forgiveness, looms large on Jewish minds. It\u2019s a time to think about wounds we may have inflicted on others and fractured relationships. What\u2019s our responsibility to apologize? Where should we be mending bridges? These fractures are more widespread than we might realize. In his book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":49639,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[781],"tags":[3439,4007,1802,1025,218,25039,25040,7394,3626],"class_list":["post-49812","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-holidays","tag-dan-moskovitz","tag-happiness","tag-high-holidays","tag-jonathan-infeld","tag-judaism","tag-karl-pillemer","tag-repair-of-the-world","tag-teshuvah","tag-yechiel-baitelman"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":8}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49812","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/7"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=49812"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49812\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":49813,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49812\/revisions\/49813"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/49639"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=49812"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=49812"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=49812"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}