{"id":32229,"date":"2019-04-05T03:58:07","date_gmt":"2019-04-05T10:58:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/?p=32229"},"modified":"2019-04-02T22:44:06","modified_gmt":"2019-04-03T05:44:06","slug":"love-starts-with-the-self","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/2019\/04\/05\/love-starts-with-the-self\/","title":{"rendered":"Love starts with the self"},"content":{"rendered":"

Most of us are familiar with the concepts of \u201cinherent worth\u201d and \u201cunconditional love.\u201d But many fewer of us actually live by these precepts. Anne Andrew would like to help change that fact. She does this in her work, as well as in her new book, What They Don\u2019t Teach in Prenatal Class: The Key to Raising Trouble-Free Kids and Teens<\/em>, the launch of which takes place April 11, 2 p.m., at the Isaac Waldman Library at the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver.<\/p>\n

In the introduction, Andrew shares, \u201cMy experience as a worried parent of a once-troubled teenager (now a well-functioning adult) and my wish to help other parents avoid the sleepless nights, debilitating fear, helplessness and despair, led me to write this book. Our family\u2019s ordeal lasted more than six years and, during that time, we learned strategies that not only helped us survive but actually allowed us to thrive\u2026. At the same time, I was working as a school principal and became aware of the mental health crisis that was starting to take hold in younger and younger students.\u201d As examples, she notes that 77% of children report having been bullied at school and 80% of 10-year-old girls wish they were thinner.<\/p>\n

Andrew was a school principal at Temple Sholom for 20 years. \u201cIt\u2019s likely,\u201d she writes, \u201cthat one or more of your children will face some kind of difficulty, whether it\u2019s an eating disorder, bullying, drug addiction, depression or other mental health issue, and it is almost impossible to predict whose child that might be. You can\u2019t always see it coming \u2013 we certainly didn\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

Based on what she was learning from her family\u2019s therapist, Andrew \u201cconcluded that there is an absolute and fundamental concept that underpins healthy human life.\u201d That concept \u2013 inherent worth \u2013 is the subject of the first section of What They Don\u2019t Teach in Prenatal Class<\/em>. Part 2 focuses on unconditional love, explaining \u201cwhy it is so difficult for us to accept and own our inherent worth, then explain[ing] how this can be done and become part of your \u2018way of being.\u2019\u201d The third part of the book discusses parenting priorities, \u201ckindness versus grades,\u201d and \u201cteaches how to parent out of love \u2013 not fear.\u201d<\/p>\n

While targeted to parents, What They Don\u2019t Teach in Prenatal Class<\/em> is a valuable guide for anyone who has negative opinions about themselves, which, to hazard a guess, is the vast majority of us.<\/p>\n

\u201cPart of the reason that I named my book the way I did is that it would be ideal if parents did some of the self-work ahead of having children,\u201d Andrew told the Independent<\/em>. \u201cThat way, they\u2019d be better prepared to face the challenges of parenting and they would have a deeper understanding of how their children pick up negative beliefs right from the beginning. They\u2019d have a bit more time and space to think clearly about the bigger picture in terms of purpose and priorities before the baby arrives. Imagine if prenatal classes included a few sessions on this topic!\u201d<\/p>\n

One of the tools Andrew presents in her book is the Choose Again Six-Step Process, which was developed by Diederik Wolsak, founder and program director of Choose Again Attitudinal Healing Centre and author of Choose Again: Six Steps to Freedom<\/em>. Wolsak wrote the foreword of What They Don\u2019t Teach in Prenatal Class<\/em>. In it, he notes that Andrew \u2013 who is a Choose Again facilitator \u2013 \u201chas written a manual which draws directly from her own heroic and victorious battle with depression and her transformation of some crippling core beliefs. But, more to the point, it tells the story of two people, parents, coming to terms with what they<\/em> needed to heal to become real parents. Real parents teach by demonstration. Real parents are transparent and not afraid of what they\u2019ll encounter when they begin their own journey to removing all barriers to love.\u201d<\/p>\n

By healing a negative belief about ourselves, we can change our behaviour. \u201cBy following our familiar feelings, we can retrieve early childhood memories in which we can discover the genesis of our beliefs and we can begin to transform them,\u201d writes Andrew. \u201cYou have to be in the feeling<\/em> for it to work \u2013 it is a process that has to be felt<\/em>, not an intellectual exercise.\u201d In brief, when you\u2019re upset, for example, acknowledge that you\u2019re upset; take responsibility for the feeling \u2013 it is not your child\u2019s fault, but rather \u201ca negative belief that you made up in early childhood has been triggered\u201d; focus on the feeling and identify it; remember the feeling and try to determine when you first ever felt it; once you have that memory, contemplate how you judged yourself in that moment and how you thought others judged you; and, lastly, try \u201cto fix your mistaken belief by a process of forgiveness that replaces your mistaken belief with the truth of you \u2013 that you are inherently worthy, whole and complete.\u201d<\/p>\n

If loving ourselves isn\u2019t hard enough, parenting out of love, and not fear, is as much or more of a challenge. Not blaming your children for your anger, not punishing them for acting out, etc., would seem to require infinite patience and constant self-awareness.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf people read my book and are feeling overwhelmed, then I would say do one thing, and that is to have a gratitude practice,\u201d said Andrew. \u201cI have a section in the book on exactly how to do that and I know that it\u2019ll make a huge difference. Begin with one thing and then perhaps add another.<\/p>\n

\u201cAwareness is half the battle, so simply being aware that young children are developing negative beliefs about themselves will be helpful in the ways you respond to your child\u2019s behaviour. I\u2019ve presented the concept of inherent worth as the antidote to all of these beliefs, so I have actually simplified parenting into one challenge \u2013 how to get across to our children that they are inherently worthy beings. They don\u2019t have to establish their own worth by getting good grades or winning competitions. I\u2019ve suggested several techniques, so parents just need to adopt the ones that will work for their family.<\/p>\n

\u201cMany of the things that I suggest are simple, such as remembering to smile at your children more often \u2013 put a smiley face sticker on your phone, on the fridge or on the bathroom mirror to remind you. Mindfulness can be practised at the dinner table or getting ready for bed by helping children focus on their senses in the here and now.<\/p>\n

\u201cParenting is a marathon, not a sprint,\u201d she continued, \u201cand it is OK to take awhile to get into the stride, stumble and get back up. Parents tend to judge themselves rather harshly (we all do!) and that\u2019s not helpful. Be gentle with yourself and know that it is impossible to make a mistake \u2013 we make healing opportunities for ourselves and our children!\u201d<\/p>\n

Andrew invites \u201cparents to use the day-to-day parenting upsets as portals to self-healing so that parenting becomes a journey into self-awareness. This in turn benefits the kids enormously. When parents heal their own negative beliefs, they won\u2019t worry about being judged by others, they won\u2019t be drawn into competitiveness and will not need to over-program their children, so that makes life and parenting less stressful and more fun for the whole family.\u201d<\/p>\n

Andrew is a parenting coach, and she presents workshops in the United States, Canada and Europe. She said parents take what they can from her recommendations.<\/p>\n

\u201cParents who have taken my workshops, on which my book is based, report that they have more patience, greater understanding of their children\u2019s behaviour and their own, and the ability to communicate more effectively with their children as well,\u201d she said. \u201cI have been told that the methods are transformational and that was certainly my experience. One parent (Roanna Glickman) told me that she dived headfirst into self-healing using the Choose Again Six-Step Process and she has transformed her life and her kids are thriving as a result. She said, \u2018It may seem like more work initially but, when you take away the power struggle, it\u2019s way less work in the long run.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Andrew shared feedback from another parent, Pam Roy, who said, \u201cParenting isn\u2019t about trying to do it right but about learning along the way, being authentic with your kids when we don\u2019t get it right; making yourself better helps you be more present and aware with and for your kids.\u201d While acknowledging that self-work is time-consuming and difficult, Roy said it is crucial and, if Andrew\u2019s suggestions \u201cfeel overwhelming or time-consuming, that should trigger that there\u2019s work to be done. Change aversion is there but, when these fears come up, it\u2019s the more reason they should be looked at.\u201d<\/p>\n

One of the more surprising pieces of advice, perhaps, is to be careful with praise. \u201cHow many of us do what we do to win approval from our bosses, peers, spouse, other family members and even our children?\u201d writes Andrew. \u201cWhen that approval is not forthcoming we beat ourselves up wondering what we did wrong or reminding ourselves that once again we failed.\u201d<\/p>\n

As to how to reduce our dependency on external validations of our worth, Andrew told the Independent<\/em>, \u201cFirstly, I suggest you gradually phase out praise \u2013 it tends to be a habit so takes awhile to correct. Notice when you automatically use praise and then follow it up with a question that indicates your sincere interest in whatever it is that was praised. Praise-dependency tends to undermine the concept of inherent worth \u2013 it encourages kids to look outside themselves for their worth.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs far as knowing how to handle praise and criticism, knowing one\u2019s inherent worth is the way to handle praise and criticism. Neither praise nor criticism has an impact on one\u2019s inherent worth, though it may have an impact on self-esteem. Criticism says more about the person doing the criticizing than it does about the one being criticized. Children can be taught to just say \u2018thank you\u2019 to anyone who offers them criticism (or praise for that matter). The criticism can be taken for what it is \u2013 a neutral fact to be examined or ignored \u2013 not an emotionally charged thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you can\u2019t make the April 11 launch, What They Don\u2019t Teach in Prenatal Class<\/em> is available on Amazon, and Andrew is currently putting her workshops online so that parents can access them more easily. She said they should be available in May or June at anneandrew.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Most of us are familiar with the concepts of \u201cinherent worth\u201d and \u201cunconditional love.\u201d But many fewer of us actually live by these precepts. Anne Andrew would like to help change that fact. She does this in her work, as well as in her new book, What They Don\u2019t Teach in Prenatal Class: The Key […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":32230,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[784],"tags":[8854,5864,3076,8302,7579],"class_list":["post-32229","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","tag-anne-andrew","tag-children","tag-education","tag-lifestyle","tag-parenting"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":8}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32229","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32229"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32229\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/32230"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32229"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32229"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32229"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}