My parents, married 52 years, have a long-standing joke. Sometimes, they would go out and everything would be a disaster. We\u2019d be in the neighbourhood pizza joint and someone would throw up. Or, one kid would spill something sticky all over somebody else. There would be a fly in the soup. We\u2019d have a fight. The car would break down. We\u2019d have an encounter with a terribly nasty person. Then, my mom would turn to my dad, poke him, and say, \u201cListen, Seiff, if this were a first date, I\u2019d never go out with you again!\u201d<\/p>\n
Sometimes we\u2019d all laugh but, often, we\u2019d turn away with a wry smile, because that was all we could manage. Later, we knew it would be funny, because we didn\u2019t base everything on that one outing \u2026 but sometimes people do! How often does one bad (Jewish) encounter ruin a first date, a first visit to a new synagogue, a networking opportunity? How can we salvage these awful experiences?<\/p>\n
In the Torah portion B\u2019midbar (Numbers 1:1-4:20), which we read last month, there\u2019s a lot of census-taking and numbers. This isn\u2019t counting every person, but those who can fight when assembling a military. There\u2019s order in this parashah, so we understand that a strong army, or even a strong society, needs to be well-organized and administered. We need leaders, as mentioned in Numbers 1:16. Rashi points out that the elected ones, the chieftains of their tribes \u2013 \u201cThese were those called of the congregation; those who were called upon for every matter of importance that happened in the congregation.\u201d We read edah<\/em> as a tribe, but it can also mean a social or ethnic group (Yemenite Israelis, for instance) or a congregation.<\/p>\n Numbers matter, and good administration matters \u2013 but it isn\u2019t all that matters. When Dr. Ron Wolfson came to visit Winnipeg in April as the Shaarey Zedek Synagogue scholar-in-residence, he asked a group of lay leaders and Jewish professionals, \u201cHow many Jewish people live here?\u201d Immediately, there was an undercurrent of talk. Indeed, how many of us are in Winnipeg? My next thought was \u2013 does it matter?<\/p>\n In the same Torah portion of B\u2019midmar, Nadav and Abihu are mentioned, in Numbers 3:4. However, because they offered \u201calien fire\u201d (an unacceptable sacrifice) in the Sinai, they were struck down. Others were counted in their place. Nadav and Abihu made one bad mistake. They had one bad encounter (one bad date?) with the Almighty. That\u2019s all it took for them to be killed and knocked out of Judaism forever.<\/p>\n It takes many positive encounters to reinforce a relationship. So, a Jewish person needs repeated positive experiences in a Jewish community to keep coming back. Some shake off a bad experience or two with a smile, joke or laugh. However, it depends on the person, and what happened. It can take \u201cone bad date\u201d to be turned off forever.<\/p>\n Wolfson described how small things make a huge difference in how we relate to one another. Greeting someone with a smile, offering them a warm participatory musical experience, some honey cake or a hug can make all the difference. These things aren\u2019t expensive. They aren\u2019t hard to do \u2013 but for some reason, many congregations still resist any change at all, even if it\u2019s an entirely positive community-building shift that costs little or nothing to implement.<\/p>\n A joke followed. What does it say above the ark, the aron hakodesh<\/em>, at your congregation? At Shaarey Zedek, it says, \u201cKnow before whom you stand.\u201d Wolfson said that all shuls probably should have a different tag line \u2013 \u201cBut we\u2019ve always done it this way.\u201d<\/p>\n If you are entirely satisfied with how things go in your Jewish community, by all means, don\u2019t change a thing. Keep doing what you\u2019re doing. However, if you\u2019re not satisfied? If your children don\u2019t want to join, or the membership is declining, or people aren\u2019t volunteering or contributing to your organization in the way you\u2019d like, you need to stop and ask if the way you\u2019re doing things is really working. Is your approach still relevant? Is it inclusive? Does it create positive encounters that matter?<\/p>\n B\u2019midbar teaches us that numbers and administration matter \u2013 but only if you have committed members or people to count. Negative experiences can strike us down (like Nadav and Abihu) or just be a bump in the road, if you have a healthy long-term relationship. I was struck, at the end of a whole weekend of this Jewish learning and enrichment, by how energized some participants were with many good ideas for the future.<\/p>\n At the same time, I encountered those who said, \u201cThank you, but \u2026\u201d and wanted to say how they disagreed, what was wrong and what wouldn\u2019t work here. Have you ever found that kvetching \u2013 without offering solutions \u2013 makes positive change?<\/p>\n Ever read the children\u2019s book Stone Soup<\/em>? A motivated, positive community can feed many people with a stone, some old vegetables, and maybe a stewing hen. Throw in some donations of flour and yeast and you have bread. It\u2019s not expensive. It\u2019s not hard to do. Yet, one must consistently ignore the naysayers while doing it. Are we willing to step up and make suggestions for building good, long-term Jewish community relationships?<\/p>\n Good. Bring your old carrots and dried up root veggies. Our skills and Jewish congregations can make something delicious together. Inexpensive solutions, kindness, smiles and constructive suggestions welcome. Let\u2019s build our numbers by welcoming folks to the table with what we\u2019ve got. Even a humble soup tastes better, or a song sounds richer, when we make it and sing it ourselves.<\/p>\n Joanne Seiff<\/strong>, a regular columnist for Winnipeg\u2019s <\/em>Jewish Post and News, is the author of a new book, <\/em>From the Outside In: Jewish Post Columns 2015-2016. This collection of essays is available for digital download, or as a paperback from Amazon. See more about her on joanneseiff.blogspot.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My parents, married 52 years, have a long-standing joke. Sometimes, they would go out and everything would be a disaster. We\u2019d be in the neighbourhood pizza joint and someone would throw up. Or, one kid would spill something sticky all over somebody else. There would be a fly in the soup. We\u2019d have a fight. 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