{"id":21190,"date":"2016-09-23T01:38:36","date_gmt":"2016-09-23T08:38:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/?p=21190"},"modified":"2016-09-28T11:13:49","modified_gmt":"2016-09-28T18:13:49","slug":"love-your-child-as-they-are","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/2016\/09\/23\/love-your-child-as-they-are\/","title":{"rendered":"Love your child as they are"},"content":{"rendered":"

The Swirsky family. Jackie Swirsky has written a children\u2019s book, Be Yourself<\/em>, which features illustrations by her eldest child, Jacob, and her sister-in-law. (photo from Jackie Swirsky)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe it\u2019s because I\u2019m an academic, but I tend to gravitate to categories, which is why the most current discourse on gender has made me feel challenged. I am, by now, very comfortable with the increasingly understood categories of transgender and cisgender (meaning that one\u2019s body conforms to one\u2019s gender identity). But what about cases of individuals who identify as neither transgender nor cisgender, but operate, instead, somewhere in the middle?<\/p>\n

Jackie Swirsky, a speech-language pathologist based in Winnipeg, is the mother of two sons, one of whom (Jacob, age 8) Swirsky describes as \u201cgender creative.\u201d<\/p>\n

Swirsky is my second cousin, but we only became acquainted after she published her children\u2019s book, Be Yourself<\/em>, which features a gender creative child and focuses on acceptance. We recently spoke by phone, where I admired her eloquence and compassion and, above all, her comfort with accepting the in-between.<\/p>\n

When Jacob was 4, he said to his parents he felt it \u201cwasn\u2019t fair\u201d that he was \u201ca boy.\u201d That\u2019s when we opened up a dialogue, Swirsky said. Currently, he still identifies as a boy, \u201cbut his gender expression is very feminine,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

There may have been a time when, faced with a son who prefers to dress in what are conventionally thought of as \u201cgirls\u201d clothes, a parent may have tried to force the child to change. One can imagine the emotional pain that would have enveloped those households in those generations. Instead, Swirsky puts it plainly: Jacob \u201cis perfect the way he is.\u201d She sees it as her job not to change her child, but rather to \u201ceducate the world\u201d in order to \u201cmake it a happier, safer place.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"imageEnter her book, Be Yourself<\/em>, with illustrations by Jacob and Swirsky\u2019s sister-in-law Jaimee Appel. It can be purchased at beyourselfbook.ca.<\/p>\n

Swirsky took her message to Camp Massad at Winnipeg Beach before camp started, as Jacob would be a camper there over the summer. Leading a workshop for counselors on how to rethink gender norms, Swirsky\u2019s goal was to help the staff \u201cidentify their own gender stereotypes,\u201d while encouraging them to open a dialogue with the campers \u2013 rather than scold \u2013 if they happen to encounter issues of gender stereotyping or instances of gender mocking.<\/p>\n

And, while some camps might think of themselves as progressive on the issue of gender, given the easy availability of costumes and the playful gender-crossing that may ensue, Swirsky is clear: for Jacob, this isn\u2019t \u201cdress up,\u201d it\u2019s who he is.<\/p>\n

Camp Massad program director Sari Waldman shared with me that, in trying to make camp as \u201cinclusive and accessible as possible,\u201d they are rethinking some of what they realize are overly gender-binary practices. \u201cSimple things,\u201d Waldman said, like do we really need to divide the chadar ochel<\/em> (dining hall) along gender lines?\u201d<\/p>\n

They are now more sensitive to gender stereotypes when writing cabin songs. Not every<\/em> boy plays sports and longs to sneak into girls\u2019 cabins, they now realize. Waldman added that they have installed gender-neutral washrooms in various spots around camp, and would include a gender-neutral stall in the refurbished bathrooms. This year, for the first time, boys\u2019 and girls\u2019 cabins would no longer be on opposite sides of the field.<\/p>\n

Other camps have taken gender-awareness on board, too. As was reported in the Washington Post<\/em>, Habonim Dror camps across North America, including Camp Miriam on Gabriola Island, have created a new, gender-neutral Hebrew word for camper (chanichol<\/em>) for those who identify as neither male (chanich<\/em>) or female (chanicha<\/em>). And they have renamed each of their age-group names with a pan-gender neologism suffix (imot<\/em>) rather than the male im<\/em> or the female ot<\/em>. It\u2019s a mouthful (and not traditionally grammatical), but the move has created new awareness around gender identity and the categories into which we put each other.<\/p>\n

No doubt, attending Jewish camp won\u2019t be without its challenges for someone like Jacob. It\u2019s hard to get around separate sleeping and showering arrangements, even if privacy is granted for changing. And, when it comes to ritual garb, Jacob doesn\u2019t feel comfortable wearing a kippah, for example. Swirsky hoped that the staff would either let him choose whether or not to wear one, or else ask everyone \u2013 boys and girls \u2013 to cover their head.<\/p>\n

As for school, Swirsky finds that the teachers at her son\u2019s school are excellent in supporting Jacob where he is. She also has much praise for the Winnipeg One School Division, which recently issued a new \u201csafe and caring policy on transgender and gender-diverse students.\u201d<\/p>\n

Occasionally, though, there are setbacks. One day, a substitute teacher asked the kids to divide up according to gender. Relaying the day\u2019s events to Swirsky that evening, Jacob revealed that he didn\u2019t know which side to stand on. \u201cI just sort of wandered,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

While Swirsky finds that some people she encounters lavish praise on her for her apparent open-mindedness, she insisted that this is basic to who she is as a parent.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love and accept my child for who they are; not who I expect them to be,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

And, when talking with Jacob, Swirsky always makes sure to ask open-ended questions. \u201cIf you\u2019re really listening to your kid,\u201d Swirsky said, \u201cyou\u2019re going to help support them to be on a path that makes them happy.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a wonderful message about love and acceptance, parenting our kids where they are, and helping society evolve to embrace diversity \u2013 even if that diversity is much more finely grained than we may have realized.<\/p>\n

Mira Sucharov<\/strong> is an associate professor of political science at Carleton University. She is a columnist for <\/em>Canadian Jewish News and contributes to <\/em>Haaretz and the <\/em>Jewish Daily Forward, among other publications.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Swirsky family. Jackie Swirsky has written a children\u2019s book, Be Yourself, which features illustrations by her eldest child, Jacob, and her sister-in-law. (photo from Jackie Swirsky) Maybe it\u2019s because I\u2019m an academic, but I tend to gravitate to categories, which is why the most current discourse on gender has made me feel challenged. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":21149,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[784],"tags":[1573,6366,2727],"class_list":["post-21190","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","tag-camp","tag-gender","tag-school"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":8}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21190","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=21190"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21190\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/21149"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=21190"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=21190"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=21190"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}