{"id":18799,"date":"2016-05-20T00:24:14","date_gmt":"2016-05-20T07:24:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/?p=18799"},"modified":"2016-05-18T17:58:55","modified_gmt":"2016-05-19T00:58:55","slug":"difficulties-with-conceiving","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/2016\/05\/20\/difficulties-with-conceiving\/","title":{"rendered":"Difficulties with conceiving"},"content":{"rendered":"

At Limmud in Winnipeg earlier this year, Bryan Borzykowski talked about his and his wife Lainie\u2019s difficulties in having children. (photo from Rebeca Kuropatwa)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

At this year\u2019s Limmud in Winnipeg, on March 13, Bryan Borzykowski spoke about the miscarriages he and his wife, Lainie, experienced and, in particular, the anxiety they felt during her pregnancy after multiple miscarriages.<\/p>\n

A woman\u2019s body innately senses the starting point of pregnancy and it recalculates, again and again, throughout the pregnancy, often determining whether or not it is possible by week 12 to carry a baby to term. This is why women are cautioned not to mention a pregnancy until after that point.<\/p>\n

Miscarriages and difficulties in conceiving occur more often than we know \u2013 in large part because of our discomfort in speaking openly about the topic. Recently before his Limmud talk, Borzykowski \u2013 who is a freelance writer in the field of finance \u2013 had written an article on his family\u2019s experiences in Today\u2019s Parent<\/em> magazine.<\/p>\n

Borzykowski and his wife had their first miscarriage before their first child, a second one between their first and second child, and three more between their second and third child.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe first miscarriage was 10 years ago,\u201d he said. \u201cWe\u2019d been going through pregnancy issues for a decade. So, after we realized we had this miscarriage, it was really terrible. But, once we started talking about it, everybody said, \u2018I\u2019ve gone through this as well\u2019 … which was really nice to hear.<\/p>\n

Apparently, 10-20% of women go through miscarriages. I think it\u2019s got to be higher. Pretty much everyone I know has had one.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe problem is when you have more than one, especially when you\u2019re dealing with your wife going through this terrible situation. You just want to be there for her. There\u2019s not a lot of time to go talk to friends about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

The couple went through IUI (intrauterine insemination) treatments in the hopes of getting pregnant again after their first child. Through these treatments, they discovered they had lost their second child\u2019s twin, which apparently is somewhat common.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey did tell us that a lot of people have twins, but one disappears … literally, disappears,\u201d said Borzykowski. \u201cAt eight to 12 weeks, when they do the ultrasound, it\u2019s already gone. Sure enough, we found out that we lost this twin, which was actually really difficult. We were happy we had one, but the strange thing about this is how attached you get to this thing before it\u2019s even a real thing.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you do, you get attached to the idea of the baby. It\u2019s hard to articulate to people who haven\u2019t gone through it. You feel stupid, dumb, getting attached to something that\u2019s not this thing. You start thinking about ways to … avoid the thought process.\u201d<\/p>\n

Borzykowski has found that it gets harder to talk about miscarriages the more they happen, but the couple was determined to try for a third child. They did succeed, via in vitro fertilization, which raised questions about the $15,000 cost.<\/p>\n

Borzykowski found himself getting into financial conversations with friends. \u201cIt\u2019s awkward, talking about your financial situation, about how you\u2019re paying for it,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

The couple\u2019s last miscarriage occurred at 16 weeks. They took a test that showed the baby had Down syndrome. They ended up having only a couple of days to contemplate their options before they learned they had another miscarriage. At that point, they reevaluated their desire for a third child.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt sounds silly,\u201d said Borzykowski. \u201cA lot of people can\u2019t have more than one. We fully admitted we have an amazing life and are blessed with two kids, but we wanted three. That was hard, because a lot of people would say, \u2018You have two, why do want a third?\u2019 I don\u2019t know. We wanted another, but we were pretty close to giving up until, one day, we decided to try. We just didn\u2019t use protection. Somehow, Lainie got pregnant \u2013 no fertility [treatments], nothing. But, we didn\u2019t talk about it for three months … not connecting, trying not to feel like you\u2019re going to have a baby. You don\u2019t want to jinx it. If something happens, you don\u2019t want to feel the pain.\u201d<\/p>\n

Only after the three months had passed did the couple begin, little by little, to feel a sense of hope, that this was really going to happen.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe took this test again,\u201d said Borzykowski. \u201cThere\u2019s this great test. It tells you everything\u2026. It came back negative. We immediately breathed a sigh of relief. I don\u2019t know. Something changed.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs time went on, we came to terms with the fact that we were having a third baby … and we started connecting to her, although we didn\u2019t fully think it was going to happen until I was holding her.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen she came out, it was a miracle. I appreciate her. I appreciate all my kids, but there\u2019s something about what we had to go through to get her that just makes it special … enough to make me realize the importance of opening up, which is difficult still. It helps.\u201d<\/p>\n

According to Borzykowski, research and statistics show that talking about miscarriages helps you get through them and that, while men usually get over the experience faster than women, it does affect men as well, with long-lasting effects.<\/p>\n

From his family\u2019s experiences, Borzykowski also learned that it was OK to go for what they wanted, as long as they felt they could manage the emotional possibility of having another loss.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe knew we wanted a third,\u201d said Borzykowski. \u201cThat was never the question. It was just … the emotional toll. We didn\u2019t want to break up our family. I don\u2019t think it would have, but I can\u2019t say for sure. But, it worked out for us. I\u2019m glad we went for it. I\u2019m glad it worked out well. It\u2019s easy to say now, but I\u2019m glad we didn\u2019t stop.\u201d<\/p>\n

Something else Borzykowski learned from these experiences was the significance of he and his wife being there for each other. These were experiences that made them even closer, he said. As well, for Borzykowski, having people to talk to about it was key \u2013 whether a family member, a friend or a professional.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt also forces you to deal with death on a more regular basis and, in a sense, gives you an advantage over some of your peers in the future,\u201d he said. \u201cPeople often don\u2019t understand the depth of loss that comes from losing an unborn child and the only way for them to understand it is by talking about. Then, maybe people would understand that, if we need more time, that\u2019s OK.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen people start opening up more,\u201d he continued, \u201cthat changes some of the cultural thinking around it…. If you knew, before the miscarriage, that everyone went through it, maybe it wouldn\u2019t feel as shameful or you wouldn\u2019t feel as lost.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rebeca Kuropatwa<\/strong> is a Winnipeg freelance writer.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

At Limmud in Winnipeg earlier this year, Bryan Borzykowski talked about his and his wife Lainie\u2019s difficulties in having children. (photo from Rebeca Kuropatwa) At this year\u2019s Limmud in Winnipeg, on March 13, Bryan Borzykowski spoke about the miscarriages he and his wife, Lainie, experienced and, in particular, the anxiety they felt during her pregnancy […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":18764,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[5853,5854,2864,278,5852],"class_list":["post-18799","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-national","tag-borzykowski","tag-conception","tag-health","tag-limmud","tag-miscarriage"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":8}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18799","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18799"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18799\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/18764"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18799"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18799"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18799"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}