{"id":15876,"date":"2015-11-13T00:08:18","date_gmt":"2015-11-13T08:08:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/?p=15876"},"modified":"2015-11-13T10:04:04","modified_gmt":"2015-11-13T18:04:04","slug":"life-changing-lecture","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/2015\/11\/13\/life-changing-lecture\/","title":{"rendered":"Life-changing lecture"},"content":{"rendered":"

Avrum Nadigel (photo from Avrum Nadigel)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Not only is there no quick fix to making a relationship work, but there\u2019s no quick fix for absorbing the main points of Avrum Nadigel\u2019s Learning to Commit: The Best Time to Work on Your Marriage is When You\u2019re Single<\/em>. Its lessons can\u2019t be summed up in a few bullet points \u2013 you\u2019re going to have to read it.<\/p>\n

That being said, Nadigel will have to make the audience at the Cherie Smith JCC Jewish Book Festival \u201cfall in love with\u201d his book in less than 180 seconds. He\u2019s part of the event A Literary Quickie, which takes place on Nov. 22, 10 a.m., at the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver. The brunch event lineup includes authors Richa Dwor, A.D. Gentle, Rosa Harris, Revital Shiri-Horowitz, Paula Hurwitz, June Hutton, Evelyn H. Lazare, Olga Medvedeva-Nathoo and Marina Sonkina. Admission is by donation.<\/p>\n

Nadigel has been a therapist for more than 15 years. He received his master\u2019s of social work from McGill University in Montreal in 1997, and did post-graduate training with the Western Pennsylvania Family Centre, which teaches Bowen family systems theory. He also received supervision via Skype from author and family therapist Dr. David Freeman (who died in 2010). In Learning to Commit<\/em>, Nadigel doesn\u2019t just offer theories, but advice gained from personal and professional experience. Advice that changed his life, and he\u2019s hoping it\u2019ll help others.<\/p>\n

Though Nadigel only lived in Vancouver for about six years, from 1999 to 2005, it was here that he first encountered Freeman, who was speaking at a singles event at the J. His\u00a0words had a profound impact on Nadigel.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor all I thought I knew about relationships (I was a practising therapist at that time), Freeman debunked many of my own assumptions, for example, that poor communication is the cause of relationship problems,\u201d writes Nadigel. \u201cHe introduced novel ideas about romantic love, providing subtle warnings that the very things that cause a young lover\u2019s heart to flutter can, down the road, be the catalyst of dissatisfaction and divorce. He encouraged us to focus on our own interests, because the more interesting we are to ourselves, the more we have to bring to the table in our relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nadigel had come out west, lured by the Rocky Mountains. \u201cFrom that moment on,\u201d he said, \u201cI knew I had to live near mountains, but also in close proximity to a Jewish community. Vancouver was an easy choice.\u201d<\/p>\n

He told the Independent<\/em>, \u201cIt was a total \u2018head west young man\u2019 move. I was 30 years old. I sold everything I owned, loaded all of my guitars, some clothes and CDs (remember those?) and headed west. No job, no family, no relationship and only one friend in B.C.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor money, I worked as a child protection worker, and then as an addiction therapist and family therapist…. Most importantly, I took courses at Emily Carr, composed music for films and learned how to mountain bike.\u201d<\/p>\n

He also came here to meet a local Jewish woman but, he said, \u201ctrue to [his] commitment-phobic self,\u201d he \u201ccouldn\u2019t find anyone in Vancouver (or Victoria, Seattle or Calgary) to settle down with.\u201d Eventually, on frumster.com, he met the woman who would become his wife, Dr. Aliza Israel \u2013 from Richmond. At the time, she was living and studying in Toronto. \u201cAnyway, we dated long-distance (perfect for a commitment-phobe), and then I agreed to move wherever her residency would be. She was accepted into the Toronto psychiatry program, and the rest is history.\u201d<\/p>\n

The two were married in June 2007 at the J here because that\u2019s where Nadigel first heard Freeman, which led to his rethinking about marriage and other things. \u201cThe JCC in Vancouver holds a very special place in my heart,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

And so still does Freeman, one of the people to whom Learning to Commit<\/em> is dedicated, \u201cfor providing me with a lighthouse; a way to navigate the rocky seas of my relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n

At least one of the ideas in the book seems counterintuitive \u2013 the admonition to not compromise.<\/p>\n

\u201cToo many relationship books\/ speakers assume that compromise is the key to a successful relationship, and so our culture embraces this opinion \u2013 and that\u2019s all it really is. And good people use this to avoid growing \u2026 discomfort, fear, etc.,\u201d explained Nadigel. \u201cCompromise is no virtue if it\u2019s the first thing you reach for to avoid difficult discussions or situations. Now, more mature people are able to compromise without feeling like they\u2019re betraying their values\/principles, because they\u2019re clear on what they stand for, and what they won\u2019t put up with. They won\u2019t compromise on big-ticket items, and will be willing to face the sting\/consequence of staying true to their principles.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"book<\/a>In Learning to Commit<\/em>, Nadigel writes, \u201cAccording to Dr. Murray Bowen, togetherness and individuality are two opposing forces that we are all born with. We spend the rest of our lives trying to reconcile their often-contradictory impulses.\u201d A well-differentiated person \u2013 someone who is confident of their values and principles, and doesn\u2019t change their opinion or action \u201cjust to defuse tension\u201d is able to balance those opposing forces.<\/p>\n

\u201cDifferentiation is not selfishness,\u201d stressed Nadigel. \u201cIt is not about a focus on my needs, damn everyone else. It\u2019s about living a life guided by well-thought-out principles, some of which will address who I want to be\/act\/think with my partner, children, parents, colleagues, friends, etc. It\u2019s about balancing feelings with good, clear thinking. Actually, one could say that immature, high-feeling-centric people are so fragile that the mere thought of considering another person\u2019s point of view is crushing, whereas higher differentiated people can choose to be guided by their partner\u2019s best interest. But the key here is choice!\u201d<\/p>\n

The lessons in Nadigel\u2019s book are relevant for all relationships \u2013 in fact, he writes, \u201cone of the main tenets of family systems theory [is]: \u2018You will only succeed in future relationships in ways you have already succeeded with your parents, siblings and\/or extended families.\u201d They are also useful in dealing with controversy or difficult issues, in developing the ability to hear what you need to hear, even though you may not want to hear it.<\/p>\n

To remain open, he explained, \u201cyou need two things \u2013 curiosity and (if possible) playfulness. These things are very hard to come by in high-tense situations, i.e. acrimonious marriage, Middle East discussions, anything involving high emotions mixed with perceived\/real threats. Which is why I believe, as a blogger recently noted while discussing my book: \u2018Doing some self-examination and exploration \u2026 while we are single might be the best marital therapy we\u2019ll ever have.\u2019 Curiosity and playfulness is much more likely when we\u2019re single, or dating, than when mired in the marital muck of resentment, etc\u2026. I think the best that one can do \u2013 in any area \u2013 is to share your thoughts as clearly as possible, and without any expectation that people are going to support your thinking or applaud your efforts. When you think about the qualities of great leaders\/leadership, these attributes apply.\u201d<\/p>\n

For the full book festival schedule, visit jewishbookfestival.ca<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Avrum Nadigel (photo from Avrum Nadigel) Not only is there no quick fix to making a relationship work, but there\u2019s no quick fix for absorbing the main points of Avrum Nadigel\u2019s Learning to Commit: The Best Time to Work on Your Marriage is When You\u2019re Single. Its lessons can\u2019t be summed up in a few […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":15877,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[784],"tags":[4827,4828,4041,1826,4829],"class_list":["post-15876","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","tag-avrum-nadigel","tag-bowen-family-systems","tag-cherie-smith-jcc-jewish-book-festival","tag-marriage","tag-self-help"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":8}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15876","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15876"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15876\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/15877"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15876"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15876"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15876"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}