{"id":13515,"date":"2015-07-03T00:01:00","date_gmt":"2015-07-03T07:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/?p=13515"},"modified":"2015-07-03T09:24:53","modified_gmt":"2015-07-03T16:24:53","slug":"parents-silence-hurts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/2015\/07\/03\/parents-silence-hurts\/","title":{"rendered":"Parents\u2019 silence hurts"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hundreds of thousands came out to watch Toronto\u2019s Pride Parade on June 28 despite the inclement weather. (photo by Najin Lin via facebook.com\/pridetoronto<\/a>)<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Years ago, at a particularly low point, Chaim Silver (not his real name) was so desperate to be straight that he ingested a white powder that a naturopath had sent to him by mail, claiming it had \u201ccured\u201d a lesbian of her same-sex desires.<\/p>\n

\u201cI actually took it,\u201d Silver laughed over the phone. \u201cIt was before anthrax, before 9\/11.\u201d<\/p>\n

Silver is Modern Orthodox and came out to his parents when he was in his late 20s. While they\u2019ve never explicitly rejected him, he said their approach has always been, \u201cWe can fix this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Over the years, they\u2019ve oscillated between encouraging Silver to marry a woman and presuming he\u2019ll accept a life of celibacy. \u201cThey\u2019ve said to me, \u2018You\u2019ll just make your life about your siblings\u2019 kids,\u2019\u201d said Silver, who is now in his 40s.<\/p>\n

They\u2019ve also suggested he try reparative therapy, a controversial practice that aims to make a homosexual person heterosexual. But, more than anything, Silver\u2019s sexual identity is something about which his parents, plus many people at the Orthodox synagogue he attends in Toronto \u2013 most of whom, Silver believes, know about his sexuality \u2013 say nothing.<\/p>\n

He once went away on a trip with a non-Jewish boyfriend, he noted, and nobody in his family acknowledged it.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt synagogue, if I\u2019m single, celibate and alone \u2026 I don\u2019t think anyone actually cares \u2026 they\u2019ll give me aliyot. But if I\u2019m going to have a partner and want a life that\u2019s celebrated, I don\u2019t think that can happen in orthodoxy.\u201d<\/p>\n

On the whole, Silver said he\u2019s grown pessimistic about the notion \u2013 touted by activists such as Rabbi Steven Greenberg, dubbed the only openly gay Orthodox rabbi in North America \u2013 that Orthodox Judaism can make space for homosexual people. \u201cThe two seem incongruous to me. [Being gay is] this innate thing that\u2019s felt to be prohibited,\u201d Silver said. \u201cNot everything can be fixed in life. As you get older, you realize that some things just suck.\u201d<\/p>\n

Silver\u2019s cynicism and his parents\u2019 denial are arguably more acute because of Orthodox Judaism\u2019s strict adherence to Torah, but anecdotal evidence shows that many Jewish parents from more liberal denominations are also uncomfortable having an LGBTQ kid and default to silence on the matter.<\/p>\n

Justine Apple, executive director of Kulanu Toronto, a Jewish LGBTQ social and cultural group, said Jewish parents, ranging from secular to Modern Orthodox, have reached out to her, seeking counsel about their children\u2019s sexual orientation. \u201cPeople who are Orthodox tend to have a harder time dealing with this but, at the end of the day, it\u2019s an individual process,\u201d she said. \u201cThere are still so many parents in the community who know their kids are gay but are very secretive about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Apple said when she herself first came out, her family, who have since made huge strides, didn\u2019t want to hear about her personal life, making her feel \u201cinvisible.\u201d<\/p>\n

Many parents won\u2019t ask their LGBTQ children about their romantic lives due to internalized homophobia and ignorance about what it means to be gay, she said. \u201cA lot of parents equate being gay with what happens in the bedroom. But queer Jews, like any Jews, connect to their loved ones on multiple levels \u2013 emotional, spiritual, intellectual.\u201d<\/p>\n

Parents should recognize that being gay isn\u2019t a choice and doesn\u2019t negate that \u201cwe still have Jewish values, we\u2019re still connected to family, community,\u201d Apple said. \u201cIt\u2019s important for parents to give kids support, make them feel part of family gatherings and ask them what\u2019s happening in their personal lives.\u201d<\/p>\n

Apple said she reached out to several LGBTQ Jewish colleagues and friends to see if their parents would speak to the CJN<\/em> about their experiences of their children coming out, but all of the parents declined. \u201cIt seems to be a sensitive topic for parents, more so than for their children,\u201d she noted.<\/p>\n

Maya Benaim (not her real name) came out a decade ago to her parents, who belong to a Conservative synagogue. She joked that she wishes they had taken some kind of course. \u201cThey didn\u2019t understand it, and I wasn\u2019t the person who could explain. It was too personal for me,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Over the years, her parents have rarely inquired about her partners and haven\u2019t known how to act when one of her relationships ended. \u201cI learned not to mention stuff.\u2026 I\u2019d be going through tremendous pain from a breakup and would have to hide it from them,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Benaim, 30, said she\u2019d be happy for her parents to seek external support \u2013 \u201canything that would contribute to understanding and de-stigmatizing and improve our relationship\u201d \u2013 but she\u2019s adamant that the onus not be on her to \u201chold their hands\u201d through the process. \u201cI\u2019m already in pain enough from them not understanding,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019d really appreciate if the community stepped in for that sort of thing. I think that\u2019s what being an ally is about \u2013 doing that work so the people who are the victims of misunderstanding or hate don\u2019t have to.\u201d<\/p>\n

Toronto social worker Elsia La Caria works with adolescents and young adults. She said for someone who\u2019s come out, negative reactions from parents typically aggravate existing issues. \u201cThe person is often already struggling with feelings of not being accepted, so when the people closest to them don\u2019t provide the right support, this can exacerbate their feelings of loneliness, sadness and feeling excluded,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Regarding parents\u2019 silence about a child\u2019s sexuality, she said, \u201cthis can reinforce the idea that they\u2019re different in a bad way, that they don\u2019t belong anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rabbi Michael Dolgin is senior rabbi of Toronto\u2019s Reform Temple Sinai Congregation, where he and associate Rabbi Daniel Mikelberg officiate at same-sex weddings.<\/p>\n

Canada\u2019s legalization of same-sex marriage has helped affirm that \u201csame-sex life is consistent with a focus on family, continuity and other Jewish values that I think, in the past \u2026 people assumed [LGBTQ people] were breaking with,\u201d Dolgin said.<\/p>\n

While parents of LGBTQ kids occasionally seek his guidance, Dolgin said young people nowadays generally seem more comfortable \u201cbeing out,\u201d and the North American Federation of Temple Youth, the youth group affiliated with the Reform movement, is widely considered a safe space for LGBTQ youth to participate without \u201cthe stress of having to choose between being Jewish and being homosexual.\u201d The best response to a child who has come out is to love them, to listen and to work toward \u201can open, understanding relationship in which they can express their feelings,\u201d he added.<\/p>\n

Apple stressed that parents have a responsibility to educate themselves about what it means to be gay and Jewish. Kulanu\u2019s doors are open to those seeking a safe space to discuss this, she said, but support is offered on more of an informal basis and she may refer families to Jewish Family and Child Service, and non-Jewish organizations such as PFLAG Canada and the 519, a Toronto agency that \u201crespond[s] to the evolving needs of the LGBTQ community, from counseling services and queer parenting resources to coming out groups, trans programming and seniors support.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight now, our goal is primarily to run events for the LGBTQ community and its allies,\u201d said Apple.<\/p>\n

Resources geared to Jewish families in this situation are only available in Canada \u201cin pockets,\u201d and are less abundant than in the United States, she acknowledged.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a need in the community for more \u201copen forums [for parents] to share their fears and concerns,\u201d Apple said, adding that she sees future opportunities for Kulanu to develop a network to help parents who are struggling.<\/p>\n

Indeed, Silver\u2019s sense of hopelessness is tied, at least in part, to location. Toronto\u2019s Jewish community is quite religiously conservative, unlike New York\u2019s, where a Friday-night minyan of Orthodox LGBTQ Jews launched last year, he said.<\/p>\n

Dating has been tough as it is \u2013 a secular Jewish partner couldn\u2019t understand why Silver wanted to belong to a world that didn\u2019t accept him, while a non-Jewish boyfriend wouldn\u2019t give up Christmas \u2013 without the added problem that many in his position have left the Orthodox community or remain in hiding. \u201cMany of us have simply disappeared,\u201d he said, \u201cso it\u2019s not an issue the Orthodox community feels they have to face.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rabbi Noah Cheses, assistant rabbi at Shaarei Shomayim Congregation, one of Toronto\u2019s largest Modern Orthodox shuls, said that supporting young people and their parents as the former share their sexual orientation with family and friends is an issue he cares deeply about. \u201cBut I try to take a line that distinguishes between supporting and endorsing. It\u2019s a fine line. I can support an individual with the struggles he or she has, but I\u2019m reluctant to endorse a lifestyle or culture that runs in opposition to a verse in the Torah, though I understand that being gay is not a choice,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

Having recently moved to Toronto from Connecticut, he said he knows of several groups and online networks that support LGBTQ Orthodox people and their families there, but he isn\u2019t aware of similar organizations in the Toronto area.<\/p>\n

\u201cOn many different social and gender-related issues, my sense is Toronto has been not as advanced as many modern Orthodox communities in the States,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u2013 For more national Jewish news, visit cjnews.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hundreds of thousands came out to watch Toronto\u2019s Pride Parade on June 28 despite the inclement weather. (photo by Najin Lin via facebook.com\/pridetoronto) Years ago, at a particularly low point, Chaim Silver (not his real name) was so desperate to be straight that he ingested a white powder that a naturopath had sent to him […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":13499,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[4088,4087,4086,1384,4089,4083,4084,4085,4090,2080],"class_list":["post-13515","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-national","tag-elsia-la-caria","tag-justine-apple","tag-kulanu-toronto","tag-lgbtq","tag-michael-dolgin","tag-noah-cheses","tag-shaarei-shomayim","tag-steven-greenberg","tag-temple-sinai","tag-toronto-pride"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":8}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13515","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13515"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13515\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13499"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13515"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13515"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishindependent.ca\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13515"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}