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September 26, 2008
Tough time for singles
Being alone offers challenges and opportunities.
DEENA LEVENSTEIN
Holidays are not always all they're cracked up to be. For some, they can be especially stressful for work or financial reasons. For many others, they can be lonely.
As a single person, my experiences over the holidays have often been quite difficult. Whether at home with my family or living away from them, I have always felt like I don't exactly fit into the setting. I have wondered what it's like for other people in similar situations. I also have wondered how it differed depending on geography and religious affiliation.
It seems that most of the things people experience as a result of being single can be split into two. On the one hand, there is quite a bit of freedom and, on the other hand, there is quite a bit of loneliness. Over the holidays, it is no different.
Yehudit Jessica Singer, 29, made aliyah to Jerusalem, by herself, in 2004, from Long Island, N.Y. She is the editor of an English-language magazine, Shiur Times. "I find it increasingly hard to feel comfortable anywhere for any type of holiday or any type of day where it's very family oriented," said Singer.
Anders Nerman, 31, also moved to Israel alone four years ago. He recently returned to Vancouver, his hometown, to study towards becoming a naturopathic physician. He plans to return to Israel. Nerman agreed with Singer's sentiments. He finds that he can be in a setting where he enjoys the company and he deeply appreciates the goodness they are doing him through their hospitality, however, he said, "It's nice and I really like them and I'm enjoying myself, but it's not my family."
Both Singer and Nerman became Orthodox after growing up in non-Orthodox homes. Jordana Corenblum, 29, on the other hand, has gone in the opposite direction. She grew up modern Orthodox, almost completely left it all and then slowly found her way back to Judaism. Today, she is a regular with Congregation Or Shalom, even hosting their Young Adult Community Dinner, which takes place on the second night of Rosh Hashanah this year.
Corenblum, a youth development worker for PLEA Community Services of British Columbia (one-to-one support for high-risk youth), is away from her immediate family, who is in Calgary, but she doesn't mind. She can't imagine doing a seder away from her family, but during the upcoming "holiday season," as she dares calls it, she has a "lovely" time bonding with her friends and extended family here in Vancouver.
Singer distinguishes between the different holidays. She feels that the holidays that are more spiritually focused are much more enjoyable for her as a single person in Jerusalem. She said that on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, "most of the time is spent in shul. Kavanah [mindfulness] really matters. Those holidays were much, much easier for me because I always felt more inspired and more connected to God here in Israel." For Singer, being single has been an opportunity to check out other people's minhagim (traditions) and to have experiences she knows would otherwise be impossible. For example, the first two years she was in Israel, she slept on a floor in Hebron on Yom Kippur because she really wanted to be in Ma'arat Hamachpelah (the Tomb of the Patriarchs) for the holiday.
Of course, being single is a relatively free state and most people seem, to some extent, to take advantage of that.
For Dr. Michael Horowitz, 34, a chiropractor by day and event planner by night, being single has meant moving beyond the "basics" that his family observes. He misses his family's annual get-togethers in Toronto on Rosh Hashanah, but has found that his holiday celebrations have become more meaningful since he moved to Vancouver. Whether at the Ohel Ya'akov Community Kollel or at his friend's home, he is now more conscious of the Jewish traditions.
Around this time of year, most people focus much of their attention on how to get the most out of the Jewish New Year season. Everyone has their own blessings and their own struggles and it is paramount to take notice of other people's needs, especially over the holidays. As Nerman put it, "Being single is a tough thing and the best thing we can do for people who are single is what's being done, just more." He believes that we should seek out the Jewish people who are out there and that don't have a place to go. "There are tons of them," he said. "I'm already in the community but there are so many people that I know that are Jewish that don't have a place to go this year."
Deena Levenstein is a freelance writer from Toronto, Jerusalem and now Vancouver. You can e-mail her at [email protected].
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