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July 23, 2010
Making space for love
Tu b’Av is the day to celebrate relationships.
RABBI SHMUEL YESHAYAHU
I feel like it’s so much more difficult to find a life partner and to maintain a relationship than in the past. What from a Jewish perspective can make a relationship successful and long-lasting?
The holiday Tu b’Av (the 15th of the Hebrew month of Av), the Jewish holiday of love, gives many clues about the Jewish view on love. In the Talmud, it says: “There were no greater festivals for Israel than the 15th of Av and Yom Kippur. On these days, the daughters of Jerusalem would go out ... and dance in the vineyards. And what would they say? ‘Young man, raise your eyes and see which you select for yourself.’” (Taanit 26B)
The Talmud lists several events that happened on Tu b’Av, but one of them does not seem to be as important: “The day of the breaking of the ax.” When the holy Temple stood in Jerusalem, the annual cutting of firewood for the altar was concluded on the 15th of Av. The event was celebrated with feasting and rejoicing and included a ceremonial breaking of the axes, which gave the day its name. What is the connection between woodcutting for the Temple and love?
Before answering that question, I’d like to go even further back in time to the creation of the world. Mystics ask the questions: How could both G-d and the universe exist? If G-d is everything and everywhere, where does the universe fit? They answer that, in order to make space for the universe, G-d had to engage in tzimtzum – self-contraction, choosing to create a space without Himself in order to allow room for the finite world to exist. This is the foundation of creation and we can glean some lessons from this about relationships. A person at the beginning of their life is self-centred. As we grow, we (hopefully) realize that other people have needs that are just as important as our own, and we are slowly able to begin caring for others.
As adults, we need to be able to create an empty space in order to allow someone else into our lives. Because we live in a culture where individuality and self-fulfilment is held in such high regard, many times people try to get the other person to fit into who they are already because “making space” can seem like being untrue to themselves.
Instead, we should learn from G-d. He wanted to have a relationship with the world and He knew that in order to do that, He needed to contract. In the end, the relationship does not crush who He is but, instead, expresses His essence more fully.
In a relationship, when you focus on the “U,” you have “soul,” a spiritual relationship, but when you focus on the “I,” you have “soil” – a materialistic relationship, one that doesn’t have much of a chance of lasting. If someone loves their spouse only for what they gain from them, it is not true love.
Getting back to the breaking of the ax event, what is so unique about woodcutting? The woodcutters chose their job not based on personal gain. There were many more prestigious jobs connected to the Temple service but the woodcutters were willing to take on an unglorified job. They were passionate about serving G-d even when no one else would see it.
Remember the story of Jacob, Rachel and Leah? Jacob was tricked and ended up marrying Leah instead of Rachel (he later married Rachel as well). There is a tradition at Jewish weddings called the badekin, which is based on that story. The groom checks to make sure the bride is the woman he thinks he is marrying and then covers her with the veil. But why cover the bride at all?
One explanation is that the badekin is a reminder that what happened to Jacob happens to all of us. You think you’re marrying a Rachel but we all have parts of us that are veiled. You might fall in love with the Rachel part of a person. She is beautiful and talented. She is the part of the person that is easy to love. But as you get to know them more, you realize that you ended up with not only Rachel but Leah too. Leah is the more challenging side of a person and possibly not quite as easy to love. The more difficult part of a relationship can often reap the most reward.
If we learn from G-d to slightly contract ourselves to make space for another person, from Jacob’s story the importance of realizing that everyone has both a Rachel and Leah inside of them (and we need to commit to both) and that our focus needs to be on giving to the “U” in the relationship, we can begin to cultivate the kind of love that can be lifelong.
Happy Tu b’Av.
Rabbi Shmulik Yeshayahu is head of the Ohel Ya’akov Community Kollel. He wrote this article with Deena Levenstein, a freelance writer living in Jerusalem. Her website is habitza.com.
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