The value of a Jewish home

NAOMI VOSS

Leaders of the Jewish community in Vancouver and elsewhere are concerned about the rate of intermarriage. As a parent of three children, I also think about their future life choices.

I used to work for a company in Burnaby, where almost all of the people were not Jewish. The receptionist, Anette (a non-Jew), had been with this office for a long time and was well-liked by everyone. One day, when she found out I was Jewish, she told me the following story.

"My son met a lovely young lady and started a relationship with her. They fell in love and wanted to get married. The girl happened to be Jewish. Her family was very upset. They objected to the fact that my son was not Jewish. Everyone agreed that these were two nice people who loved each other. The girl's family strenuously objected to the marriage because my son was not Jewish. They made such a fuss that the relationship fell apart. My son was devastated."

Anette had a pained expression on her face. "Why did they do this? Are these people racist?" she asked.

I felt at that moment that I had to defend the Jewish people. I know many people in my community, including members of my extended family, who feel this way and behave just like this girl's family. Were these people racist? I asked myself. How could I explain their behavior to Anette?

I considered telling her how many members of my family were lost in the Holocaust, and how that might explain this behavior. Yet that didn't seem relevant. I don't know if this girl came from a family of Holocaust survivors or not. In that moment, I formulated my views on intermarriage, in my attempt to answer Anette.

I want my children to see the beauty of the Jewish religion. I strive every day to live a Jewish life and to teach my Jewish values to my children. We keep a kosher home and observe Shabbat and Jewish holidays. My children are being raised in a Jewish home, surrounded by Jewish symbols. I want to show my children why it is important to be a serious, committed Jew. I hope they will internalize these values and grow up to be serious, committed Jews. If they do not, then I have failed as a Jewish parent, but I will continue to love them and respect the path they choose for themselves. If I succeed, they will be living a life infused with Torah, Jewish values and the observance of mitzvot.

When my children go out into the world and seek out a mate, I expect that they will seek a partner who will share their Jewish vision and commitment. The only way my daughter can provide her children with the Shabbat experience is to have a husband who also observes Shabbat.

I am not so concerned if my daughter's potential partner was born Jewish or not. I do care, and she should care, that her husband will be a partner who can help to build a Jewish home; a home infused with Jewish values, the beauty of Shabbat, and so forth.

Does that man need to be born Jewish? Well, it makes the process easier, but it's not absolutely necessary. I know a number of intermarried couples where both partners made a commitment to raise a Jewish family: they send their child to a Jewish school, they celebrate Shabbat, they give their child a bar mitzvah. They are raising serious, committed Jews.

So, Anette, am I racist? I don't think so. I will not forbid my child to marry someone who is not born Jewish, who does not have Jewish blood flowing in their veins. For me, it is all about commitment to Jewish values and the Jewish people. It is about raising Jewish children. If my child finds a partner who can share that journey, who can help build a Jewish home, then I will celebrate their union.

Naomi Voss lives in Vancouver.

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