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April 1, 2005
What makes a perfect errand?
The fact that your husband shopped "for you" should
be expected.
BAILA LAZARUS
There is a list of rules for women and men that I have lying around
my apartment somewhere. They are jokes based on more than a kernel
of truth. One of the rules that men have for women is this: "You
can ask a man to do something or you can tell him how to do it,
but not both." As ludicrous as this might sound, this is exactly
what Emuna Braverman of Aish Hatorah Resources is preaching.
Braverman would have us believe that if you ask your husband to
go shopping and he can't figure out how to stick to a list of what
you asked for, he shouldn't be criticized, he should be thanked
for doing such a great mitzvah.
Is she joking? He thought he was doing his wife a favor?
We should "applaud his generosity"? What?
Doesn't he eat with the family as well? Isn't he going to consume
the very products she put on the list? Is he doing his wife
a favor by helping to feed himself?
Braverman asks, sarcastically, if he is part of "some vast
male conspiracy dedicated to sabotaging shopping efforts."
Well men probably don't care enough about shopping to waste time
trying to sabotage it. But there definitely is a common understanding
among men that if they demonstrate inability in some domestic chore,
be it shopping, clothes-washing or diaper-changing, that chore will
be taken away from them. If they do it really badly, they will rarely
be asked to do it again.
A wife seeing her husband's inability to carry out a simple task
like shopping is going to say, "Don't worry, Dear, let me do
it." Because women don't want their husbands buying
the wrong detergent or throwing a Guatemalan dyed tablecloth in
with white sheets or using axel grease because they can't find the
Johnson's baby oil.
So when it appears you can't rely on him, it means means that on
top of all the other work you're doing during the day, you still
have to take on a chore by yourself that you thought the two of
you could share.
"Wouldn't it be preferable to just use a different brand of
detergent? To swallow the cost of the case of soda and to applaud
his generosity?" says Braverman. This sounds like a mother
talking about a child, not an adult who she married, entered
into a loving relationship and partnership with, and now finds can't
follow a simple shopping list. In fact, Braverman even admits that
the same thing happens with teenagers. Seems to me that alarm bells
should ring here. If your husband can't carry out a family chore
like shopping any better than the children he's raising, that's
pitiful. On whose shoulders do you think the brunt of child-rearing
is going to fall?
Finally, Braverman ends her message with the priceless line, "If
a family member does an errand for us and he too is prevented by
circumstances beyond his control (i.e. he can't read our minds)
from its perfect fulfilment, doesn't he deserve the same credit?"
"Can't read our minds"??? Does a man buy five extra
bags of potato chips and add beer, peanuts and chocolate to the
list because "he can't read our minds"? Talk about
letting someone off the hook!
I agree that making sure that your spouse feels loved and appreciated
is a lot more important than getting the right brand of detergent.
But, while it is definitely fair to recognize effort, after a while,
it becomes like patting a child on the head when they try to pour
themself a glass of milk and get it all over the table. With a child,
however, you have a feeling they'll grow out of it. With an adult,
however, it's different. Don't pat him on the head; don't let him
off the hook; don't make excuses; and definitely don't take
the chore away. Thank him for his effort but tell him in no uncertain
terms that he has failed you. You rely on him to be a grown up and
that means doing a chore right. And if that means telling him to
do something and telling him how to do it, then so be it
and to hell with the rules.
Baila Lazarus of the Jewish Western Bulletin newspaper
has a bachelor of science degree in architecture and a bachelor
of arts degree from McGill University, as well as a journalism degree
from Concordia University. She lives with her cat and 27 plants
in Vancouver. When she isn't editing or writing for the newspaper
or taking care of her website, she volunteers her time with Habitat
for Humanity, does watercolor illustrations for Jewish newspapers,
organizes photography exhibits and hosts many guests from developing
countries.
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